journal submissions of a slave in training

Journal Prompt>> Week of February 5

2009-02-11T14:24:00.001-08:00

Do you enjoy rituals in your relationships? What is your favorite?

We do have a few rituals.

A formalized greeting when he returns home
A symbolic gesture of my submission to formally ask for scene play
A bondage collar for scening

I serve him daily and completely. We have a IE/TPE relationship. We are looking for the perfect collar for daily use to "seal-the-deal" formally.

My favorite is the symbolic gesture of submission. It shows him that I ask for and want his dominance and training, while giving me another chance to offer myself to him. It's not necessary, as he has it without resistance.. but it's.. nice.

Sensual Service>> Journal Prompts - Archive

2009-02-02T20:38:00.000-08:00

From the week of November 17, that I missed. A prompt caught my eye, and I wanted to write about it.

Does your Owner stand on courtesy? Do they use please and thank you with requests from you? How does it make you feel? Do you not take it as an order if it has please after it?

My Master does make a firm stand on courtesy.

He uses "please" and "thank you" almost always, unless we are deep in scene. This is not at all necessary, of course, as I serve him no matter the politeness, but it does make me feel proud (a bad trait for a slave?) to have an Owner who respects me enough to say thank you for tasks that I am bound by spoken and written (though expired) contract to do.

I do take it as an order even if he has said "please". I do admit to letting myself slide and not jumping up immediately if he does so, and usually in these cases I get a slightly firmer request and no "please".

However, we have discussed and both admit/agree that he could be more forceful with his requests in some instances. Ritual/daily tasks, like cooking/serving his dinner he always thanks me for, as he is grateful not to have to cook for himself, a task he freely admits he can't do. :) But when asking me to draw his bath, or ready his bed for the night, it could be done without the "please".

I have rarely though not heard "thank you", no matter the task. As he expects courtesy and respect for the things he does for me, he is the type of person who expects no less courtesy from himself. Perhaps it is ingrained from childhood, but is a standard he holds himself up to as a man. Master is a firm believer that his word means everything, whether a contract, promise, conversation, threat, or offer. He won't renege without a major sacrifice or something detrimental preventing him from fulfilling it. I believe this is why he uses the courtesy he does with my training.

The only time these words are completely missing is when I have failed utterly at something and require punishment, something I am striving to prevent as I learn more from him.

Response to quote

2009-01-06T11:13:00.000-08:00

“Sometimes what seems like surrender isn’t surrender at all. It’s about what’s going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater.”- Nicholas Evans, The Horse Whisperer

Even though this movie and quote has nothing to do with the lifestyle, it says everything a slave can feel and (occasionally) admit to.

In our chosen way of doing things, we actually use the word surrender. It can be an offer of myself to him at anytime, or it can be a demand of my services from him. It is used and offered tenderly and has also become part of his 'pet' name for me. But this quote shows that it is more.

It is about heart. It is about our love for each other. It is about what we offer each other. Not just as a slave to my master, but what my Master offers me. It IS about clearly seeing and accepting what this choice means to us (as husband and wife ), accepting what it means in our life (as a couple and parents), and (as I am learning) commiting to it on a daily basis, "whatever the pain". The pain of failing, not commiting, displeasing Master, is indeed a FAR greater hurt.

I slide a lot, and I have the great comfort of having a forgiving Master, but he is NOT a forgetful Master. I pay dearly for all my transgressions, in flesh and/or tears, chores, duties, and (worse of all) in Master's dissatisfaction of me. Flesh pain can be dealt with, and always heals, butthe inner anguish of knowing I have displeased him lasts much longer.

I surrender myself to him in trust and love. He accepts my surrender with his love and protection. Those are the things that make being his slave a lifetime choice, not a passing fancy.

Do you like yourself? Do you accept yourself? Do you love yourself?

2009-01-06T10:37:00.000-08:00

On most days that is a simple answer: NO!

But since Master is getting just about fed up with me being negative, I'll elaborate and maybe that will help lead me towards a solution.

Some things are starting to gradually change. My biggest issue is my weight. A combinantion of my lack of caring and medical problems led me to an unlealthy weight. I am gradually losing it on my own, and that alone is helping with my self "dislike" issues.

Because of the weight issues, I also have a hard time accepting myself. It's like the fine print that says "sold as is". When you don't like it "as is", you don't buy it. Master is a brave shopper. He accepts me "as is" with no bartering. There is also no bartering when it comes to my attitude towards myself. Either I like it, change it, or shut up. I am not allowed to talk down to nor about myself. It is the one rule he has with absolutely no exceptions, excuses, or safewording. Side effects include harsh scolding and, when necessary, spanking.

I am beginning to love the person I am becoming, even if I don;t currently love the state I am in. There are several things I am doing to better myself, not just as a person, but as a wife, mother, and servant. I have mostly mended my lazy ways, and our home stays more comfortable and MUCH more livable. I'm not afraid to have company over. I am bettering myself by going to college, which will help my family excell and succeed in the long run. And of course, losing the weight sloooooooooowly is helping too.

Maybe next year I can look back at this post and have a completely different answer..

Sensual Service » Journal Prompts - Week of January 5th

2009-01-05T11:37:00.000-08:00

These have been going to my spam folder, but I found them again today. I believe I will try to keep up and reply at least once every few weeks this year, unless Master requires differently.

Do you like yourself? Do you accept yourself? Do you love yourself?
Are you a perfectionist?
“Sometimes what seems like surrender isn’t surrender at all. It’s about what’s going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater.”- Nicholas Evans, The Horse Whisperer
Are you a people pleaser?
“A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.” - Robert Heinlein

the worst punishment

2007-11-19T20:35:00.000-08:00

i have displeased Master greatly in doing this the past 2-3 days. i cannot give a valid reason, and Master has taken the harshest punishmet i can imagine. i have been denied the braided cable choker that suffices for my daily collar. He believes (rightly) that i have had much behavior unbefitting a slave, and that while i am still in his service, i must earn my collar again. i have no reason why i am feelling utterly defiant. i do know it has to stop. i never want to feel this level of disappointment in myself again. i never want HIM to feel it again.

Master did today allow/suggest that i join a local friend with a vanilla friend. She knows of our lifestyle, and also knows that i have an attitude to work off. Master has given me a time of two weeks to earm my collar by controllong these urges, or truly face His wrath. my hope is to work myself silly at the gym and be too tired to be so bratty and defiant.

it finally came in!!

2007-11-16T21:26:00.000-08:00

The simple braided cable choker Master had me order for daily wear finally came in from Canada today... I can't wait until I finally have that constant reminder circling my throat!

Following Instructions

2007-10-26T02:04:00.000-07:00

Master, You allowed me to give you this response verbally, but i wanted to make a note of it in my journal as a completion of assignment.

You required me to write regarding my difficulty following instructions.

W/we spoke and areee that i should not be making excuses as to why i am not doing it. i should simply learn, create the habit, and DO.. or suffer the consequences. W/we agreed that a page long exercise would be simply a list of excuses, and not worth Your time. i am not here to make excuses to You; i am here to serve You.

my love for You,
sweet

Master

2007-10-16T00:00:00.000-07:00

You gave the assignment “you will write about your Master and what He is to you.” Immediately my mind started throwing words and images to me, so i waited a while, to sort through my mind, before i started writing for You. i came up with a short list that i use as headers for descriptions.

Man
Lover
Husband
Father
Master

i find none of these less important than the other, but that seemed the most logical order to place them. This is the order You brought these things into my life. i’ll take them one by one and show what each of these things means to me.

As a MAN, You are my strength. You are a constant and a steady. You are a strong ‘avatar’ of the structure W/we have brought together as a life. You are a rock, holding bold and tall, ready to take on the world for what You believe is Yours.

As a LOVER, You are indescribable. Talented, amazing. When there is time you bring me to the brink, and over, and back again, until i explode in Your love. Just thinking about it makes me wet, makes me breathe shallower, and endorphins stream through my body.

As a HUSBAND, you are loving, strong, compassionate, faithful, caring, protective, and true. Always there and willing to do whatever necessary to follow through with things started in all aspects of O/our life. You have taken a mentally, emotionally, and physically abused woman and shown her that it is, not only ok to love unconditionally, but that it is right, good, natural… fulfilling. You have shown me that it is my right to love.

As a FATHER, you are again caring, loving, protective… perfect. Our daughters love You unconditionally. They know that You are always someone they can go to when they need a sheltering arm to hold them. They know that You are there when it seems like the world is against them.. And You give pretty good hugs too. i see You as a father who will stand up to the world for his children, and be damned to someone who doesn’t like it.

As a MASTER, You are strong, but gentle. Firm, but loving. You are hard when You need to be, soft when You can be. As W/we learn together, i see you drifting farther from that man who was unsure of the turn of events, and closer to a firm disciplinarian who expects his slave to be obedient. i see You as all of the above things wrapped into One. Indescribable, compassionate, strong, protective. Many of Your lessons revolve around self-control, and self betterment for Your servant. You are taking something that many see as a physical controlling and you are teaching me to mentally control myself. You are looking out for more than Your needs. You also are teaching me to be a better lover, showing me what You like in me, and teaching me to explore that and make it better for U/us. You are learning from past Masters via the internet and books, but i see You as someone future slaves and Masters may look up to… once You have broken this slave.

my life for You,
sweet

Limits

2007-10-15T01:58:00.000-07:00

You asked for a current “Limit List”. Without further instruction i set myself a minimum of 25. If You wish more, only command it.

(click to see full graph due to size restrictions on this site, Sir)

Explanations:
1. Obvious Reasons
2. Obvious Reasons
3. Obvious Reasons
4. It’s gross and unsanitary.
5. i have total faith in You. I know You would never shed blood to hurt me. The sharpness is invigorating. Having to hand that total trust to you is ecstasy.
6. i wish to be trained in finding that place in my mind where the pain reached a level of ecstasy and life becomes ethereal, please Sir.
7. As i mentioned before, sex purely for your pleasure is completely within your rights, and is something I freely offer… only i ask moderation so that i may also feel the pleasure you give.
8. Again, as mentioned, i wish to be trained in order to ease my pain and uneasiness, an dto make it more pleasurable for U/us.
9. i'm ok with "Your little slut... (slave, sex-fiend, tramp, cock whore, etc) anything that gives call to Your slave worshiping Your sexual administrations :) What i can't handle is "ugly" names that demean me mentally (stupid, bitch, cunt, etc.)
10. It is something W/we have always done, and the lessons are enjoyable even though difficult for me.
11. i’d have to go back in the book to explain, but i liked the theory of it when I saw it.
12. Different from biting, the soft, grabby bites are fun and pleasurable.
13. Of course, spankings are not an issue, so I divided by instrument. Lately i have only earned my spanking through disobedience, and your servant humbly apologizes. However, i do like the spanking and whipping when not in punishment. i think that perhaps it would be a good idea to choose 1-2 implements to use exclusively for punishments so there is a distinction.
14. See above
15. Same as 5.
16. Your servant would like to learn the command positions in order to better serve you.
17. Your servant would also like to learn, or perhaps earn, more gratifying names to use when speaking to you. You are All to me.
18. i would have no problem in You choosing suitable markings to permanently wear upon this body that serves You.
19. As required, and necessary, with training to make it a habit without need of command.
20. Different from #7. This bids me to do as You wish, in as long of an interval as necessary. i confess this would be my favorite area of submission, though i wish to learn all equally.
21. my understanding of worship is to show revered love of the object. Whether You wish me to gorge upon Your cock to show my willingness to serve you, or kiss your feet to show my place… the limits are endless.
22. This is something we’ve discussed in a ‘swing’ manner, and yes, it’s still a fantasy in that area, but in this area, i believe I would like to experience You filling me fully.. Your cock in my ass, a dildo of Your choosing in my pussy, perhaps triple filled and another in my mouth, or sucking Your tongue. Perhaps switch the holes filled by which object the next time. Every hole filled with my Master, taking me fully, claiming what is his. Yes, a very fond wish.
23. i wish to experiment more with bondage, yet i am a little apprehensive because of my claustrophobia. i ask that you guide me in this and help me overcome the necessary fears.
24. W/we do play with this, some, and i think it Is mind blowing. Perhaps with guidance from the mew lessons it can be taken to (heaven forbid) the *next* level.
25. Short explanation… i wish to be back the way i was.

my life in Your service,
Your Sweet

Why?

2007-10-14T23:13:00.000-07:00

You asked “Why does one such as i wish to be a submissive?” i apologize for not remembering your exact wording, Sir.

On an emotional level:
The question has been posed to me before, by another submissive. At the time, it was a release. i spent all day, taking care of children (mine and others), cooking, cleaning, washing, paying bills, making sure everything in my household ran…and ran reasonably smooth. i needed a way.. No wanted a way to let everything go. EVERYTHING, including myself. i wanted a way to allow someone else to take charge of my life so i wouldn’t have to be responsible for it, if (then) even for a moment. Instead of me making all the decisions, i wanted someone else in charge. It was different from when Jason was around demanding things. This was something i wanted to give freely, to someone who deserved my obedience, rather than taking it.
FAST-FORWARD
That rough drafts my first experience… then i met you. i was able to share everything with You, and You didn’t judge me. You accepted all my craziness, all my neediness, the mental taking/receiving/giving, the bloodlust, the mental anguish of being abused. You were the person i could give all these things to… give myself to.
FAST-FORWARD
Now i ask You to take me as Your servant, because it is the last great gift of myself that can be given. Please don’t take that the wrong way. i have handed you my heart, and given You my love. i have given You and angel to watch over us from above. i have given You my hand. i have given You a beautiful daughter. In these things i have given You my soul. With my soul i have given You my life to do with as You will. i ask for Your command to enrich O/our lives by my service to You.

On a baser, more animalistic level:
Giving myself to You to do as You please is an animalistic pleasure that heats my very being to the core. Having You in direct command of my every move, entices my psyche. Every command, every punishment, every tear, every touch from Your soul leaves me longing for more of you. Each lash of your belt, whether given in punishment or passion, leaves me aching for your caress, longing for your approval.

On a greedy level:
i want (forgive me, Sir) You to control me. Lead me as You wish. Mold me into Your image of perfection. In this, i will never succeed… It only gives me longer to serve You.

my life for You,
Your sweet