Polyamory

I'm processing.

A post that I thought was going to be for future reference is now priority because polyamory in it's strictest sense (love for more than one) entered my life unexpectedly.

Now rather than my views on it I find myself posting my feelings on it. First let me state that I was ok walking into this blindly together. Finding out that this was a basic need is the hard part. Yeah, we're still blind, but now there is a purpose. My thoughts are like the proverbial angel & devil on my shoulder.

He loves that "new" relationship feeling of euphoria.

• Angel: Well, duh! It's fun!
• Devil: And since I can't give him anything new, so he's gotta go get it to feel complete.

He needs more to love than me.

• Angel: I can see this. Master is an insanely loving giving person.
• Devil: Why? Why can't loving me and my love for him be enough? I give him and our family unequivocally ALL of my love.

Is this something we can do?

• Angel: yes, we can do anything as long as we communicate.
• Devil: Fuck no! Maybe HE can, but this is a no fly zone for me. I can't fucking do this!

Is it a deal breaker (contract)?

• Angel: No, again, we can work through anything.
• Devil: The contract is all I have left so I can't call an end to it.

More later.. life calls...

Broken

I'm not sure what is causing this but I feel broken.

My head is just not right. I am all together sad, depressed, lonely, and afraid.... even when wrapped in his arms, or even surrounded by friends. When he leaves me, I cry. As in bawl. As in friggin ridiculous my word just ended sobbing. He has work. He has friends. He has things he likes to do that don't involve me. Up until just recently it never bothered me.. at all. I loved it when he'd get up early to go skating on the weekend & leave me in bed till the kids woke me... this time I had a melt down. He walked out that door and I had this crushing searing pain in my chest that he wasn't coming back.

Totally irrational (see I know what parts make NO SENSE!), yet I have this overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. I'm scared that what I am, what I have, what I can offer is not enough to keep him satisfied... I'm not talking just sexually, but overall. Unless we're arguing we can't carry on a conversation more than 2 minutes. I get asked why I always have to argue... maybe that's why? Maybe I'm seeking attention the only way I think is possible? That teen mentality of "even bad attention is better than no attention"?

I'm not sure how to attract his attention otherwise, at least not attract it and keep it. We've talked, and now I know that his ADD is kicking in overdrive and he needs constant high stimulation (ie talk, text, game, and a movie), but I can't help feel that there should still be something I can do to raise his interest level in what I do, say, or am. I feel like I should be enough, and if I am not I have failed somehow as a wife and as a woman.

This all came to a head last night. I felt ignored and rejected even with him sitting next to me, watching a movie and chatting with me. A text message I thought had ended well before dinner was ongoing and it set me off. I know he is not going anywhere. I know he loves me, I know he is mine. Yet constant long term chatting felt like the equivalent on online dating to me. A little harmless flirting or chatting I find cute and fun. Constant chat to "get to know someone better" for the sake of making play sessions more fun & enjoyable I find on par with what a couple does when they start dating... except when we were dating there was no "how to you like it" discussion? We weren't planning on being permanent, so we just fucked. That's all I feel they should be afforded as well. But at the same time, I trust him, and I shouldn't care. In my heart I know this, but my brain is going &%$#^&*+&@^!!!! My brain needs to stop giving me unnecessary feedback.

I am NOT a jealous person, so why do I feel this way? All we can determine is that the BCP are reaping havoc on my hormones. The thing is I don't know how to stop it. I can't stop birth control. I have reached a point in my life that I am officially done having babies. The thought of an "oops" pregnancy last month wasn't even exciting...it was damned near terrifying! I no longer "qualify" for an IUD because of the tubal pregnancy I had. I can't use condoms consistently with him. I can with anyone else, but with him they kill me. (???wtf???) Right now my only feasible option is the pill... but at what cost? If it is causing me this much grief & anguish... pushing him away when yet all I want is him close to me... Neither of us (nor the kids) deserve the emotional roller coaster... but we have no other options.

From research I did this morning, (I found this article) it's apparent that mental health effects have been a factor with birth control since they came out in 1960. 52 years and they can't fix that yet? From what I see progestin (one of the 2 synthetic hormones in BCP) causes a lowering of serotonin because it feeds a brain secretion that naturally lowers serotonin. Serotonin deficiency is what the base doctors determined was causing my migraines and anxiety attacks around the time we met... and I wasn't on hormonal birth control then.

The warnings on the birth control pack have a warning that say discuss any of the following with your doctor immediately... blah blah blah... mental/mood swings. But where do I go? Who do I talk to? The student clinic can only do so much, and I don't have a doctor.

I am hoping that it was just the "loading" of the pills past my normal period that are causing it. I am on day 3 of skipping the empty placebos now - expecting AF Tues-Wed. and I'm that having a bleed will flush my system and things will get back on track.

If it doesn't I don't know what to do. I cant live like this. I can't keep feeling like this. I can't continue to hurt like this, where inconsequential nothings rip my heart out. I. Just. Can't. Co. It.

♥ sweet

What does Anne want from the BDSM lifestyle? Part 3 - Public/Private

Part 3 - Public/Private

As our private BDSM life becomes more public with our friends I find myself being more open to the standards if you are inclined... walking behind you, asking your permissions in public, not looking in the eye without being told. Not that we do that but, IF you were so inclined.

I am fine with you chatting with friends about some things, but I did find myself embarrassed as hell and hurt when you told John I got put in time out.

I want to repair my choker into a cuff that I can wear daily in public (it's cumbersome and twists and hurts me the way it is now), however I don't feel I need this to remind me that I am yours to command.

I know I created this category, so I am not sure how to elaborate. Please ask more directly if I haven't covered enough.

What does Anne want from the BDSM lifestyle? Part 2 - Behavioral

Part 2 - Behavioral/Personal

Training. Training. Training.

I suck at this part. I know. In this I visualize a Master/slave relationship. I have committed to following your lead long term.

I think I said this all last night when I said that I want to be the person you fell in love with again. I want to not fight, bicker, bitch, and yell. I know we have responsibilities as adults that we have to deal with, but aside from that I want to be carefree. I want to be the happy person you fell in love with.

I know that the fighting and arguing is wrong. I know that the yelling is wrong. I hate yelling at you, and my children. I want them to remember more than that when we're apart, when they grow up and I grow gray, and eventually leave them.

I want you to help me modify this behavior. this thing is that you do such a perfect job of trying to keep me in line. And I don't follow through. I am almost at a loss here.In a perfect M/s role I wouldn't bitch, moan, yell, or complain. I wouldn't question you. I would do what you said, when you said it, and if I didn't there would be no "try to get it right" I'd just get knocked on my ass.

I don't want that (Yes, I like pain, but not punishment - more soon), so all I can think of is trying a 3 step protocol.

Scenario: I fuck up. (words, actions, etc)

Step 1: The Look. (You may have to do.. something to make sure you have my attention??)

Step 2: A firm "Sweet... calm down." (This can work in front of the kids)

Step 3: "To the Room"

I can't elaborate much more on behavior. I want to stop the destructive behavior. That is all.

But please stop assuming because I am acting one way that I mean what I did last time I acted that way. I'm human.. and a female one at that. Frustration does not me "he needs a lesson".. it means "I don't know how to express myself." You compare it to a "baby fit". Babies have fits because they don't how else to express themselves. I need to learn how to express myself with words rather than actions.

I do want to be able to have an opinion about how to express myself. I want to be able to disagree with you if I feel strongly about something. I want to be able to tell you when I think you a wrongly interpret my words or actions.

I need to learn how to do so with respect, but I would like to be heard out with a mind open to understanding my point as well as your own.

Punishment

I guess this is as good of a place as any to put this. You have said to others, "She likes pain so spanking doesn't help." Actually it does. Spanking as play in the bedroom, getting hurt, coddled, and fucked is fun. Getting spanked as punishment, reprimanded, and ignored is not.

Last night for instance, when I angered you to the point of rolling me over and spanking me... when you put me in the corner last week... That wasn't fun, I didn't like it, and I knew you were upset.

In my mind there is a firm divider between spanking for fun and spanking for punishment. The physical outcome to my body may be the same, but the mental outcome is not.

I will admit a few things that I hope make sense.

Though I did not enjoy it, I liked you taking control of my actions by slapping me at J&E's. Again, I didn't like the action, and did not label it as good pain, but as a sub I felt, "he's getting it."

When you spank me for punishment and fuck me long & hard afterwards, I do associate that with good. Were you to spank me, fuck me rough and short to get your pleasure quickly then "ignore" me, I would associate that with punishment. Getting your pleasure with no concern for mine (no touching, grabbing, lube, lead up) = punishment. Getting your pleasure by fucking me to the edge = not punishment... because I still enjoy that sexual act because my body is used to not coming.

Orgasm denial would probably not work as a punishment for me, for obvious reasons.

What does Anne want from the BDSM lifestyle? Part 1 - In the Bedroom

Part 1 - In the Bedroom

In the bedroom I prefer to be a bottom, though at your request I would occasionally top for your pleasure only.

I want to to please you in all things in this area. I know that we have an open relationship, but did we not, I would want to answer to all your carnal needs and desires. I want to be able to answer to any of your needs immediately in the bedroom.

If this meant learning to stretch my body to it's limits to bend, twist, stretch into different positions to please you, I will. If this means sucking your cock, swallowing your cum, and getting no pleasure, touch, or release of my own body, I am willing. If this means training to have anal often, I would.

I want to learn to enjoy abstaining because it is your wish. I want to learn to cum because you say so, not because my body is finally listening. I want my body to quicken, eager for your entrance, just because you say you want inside me.

I want more impact play with good pain but I want to test my limits with bad pain as well. I like the harshness of play, pain, crying... even bleeding for you. It demands that I have no control, that I am yours in everything... but I want to want this from you in the bedroom, not fear it. Not all the time of course, but regularly. I also feel that these types of scenes work best when not planned, so with training hopefully I can fall into a pattern of submission to what you want, when you want it.

And I know that it is something you enjoy physically and mentally. I have gotten punishment spankings and turned around to your hard cock in my face. It is enjoyable to both of us, I'd like to use it.

This is something I want to be ready for 24/7 without thought or provocation. I do believe that most of these things will only come with lots of training and lots of patience from us both. By the glossary, this would be service-oriented submission.

And of course the pain aspects come with a general assumption of aftercare.

I do no want to ask to be taken. I am willing to "come on" to you occasionally since you like it, but I do not want to have to tell you or ask for sex, pain, or aftercare. I know you have a hard schedule and I know that it is hard to get to bed early enough for a long "scene" but I would prefer more frequency than when we have time on the weekend.

♥ sweet

Limits list July 2012

Master asked me to redo my limits list as a lot has changed and I have begun to allow him to take control of me in ways I never dreamed.

I found a more detailed list to use, due to the change in play, and I tried to give more than yes, no answers.

A MS Excel file can be DLed by clicking here, Sir.

Awaiting Your leisure to discuss,

♥ sweet

Why is it inappropriate for me to yell at Master?

1. It was my choice to live a TPE dynamic.
2. In general, it is disrespectful. In my M/s relationship it is contemptuous and impertinent.
   
3. Master is in control.
4. As my owner, he is the only one who can give me permission for such an outburst.
5. As a slave, I have given up the choice to scream and have temper tantrums without prior permission.
6. As a wife it is unfair and rude.
7. As a mother it is ugly and not something the children should hear.
8. My temper and outbursts were the reason behind the force driving us towards TPE, so that I can and will be held accountable for my outbursts.
9. When I am told to calm down, stop yelling, and shut up... I should listen.
10. The more I argue or continue to be unruly, the more punishment I am adding upon myself.
11. Above all, I should respect the freedom of expression granted to me by Him and not abuse it with such childish outbursts.

Following Instructions

Master, You allowed me to give you this response verbally, but i wanted to make a note of it in my journal as a completion of assignment.

You required me to write regarding my difficulty following instructions.

W/we spoke and areee that i should not be making excuses as to why i am not doing it. i should simply learn, create the habit, and DO.. or suffer the consequences. W/we agreed that a page long exercise would be simply a list of excuses, and not worth Your time. i am not here to make excuses to You; i am here to serve You.

my love for You,
sweet

Master

You gave the assignment “you will write about your Master and what He is to you.” Immediately my mind started throwing words and images to me, so i waited a while, to sort through my mind, before i started writing for You. i came up with a short list that i use as headers for descriptions.

Man
Lover
Husband
Father
Master

i find none of these less important than the other, but that seemed the most logical order to place them. This is the order You brought these things into my life. i’ll take them one by one and show what each of these things means to me.

As a MAN, You are my strength. You are a constant and a steady. You are a strong ‘avatar’ of the structure W/we have brought together as a life. You are a rock, holding bold and tall, ready to take on the world for what You believe is Yours.

As a LOVER, You are indescribable. Talented, amazing. When there is time you bring me to the brink, and over, and back again, until i explode in Your love. Just thinking about it makes me wet, makes me breathe shallower, and endorphins stream through my body.

As a HUSBAND, you are loving, strong, compassionate, faithful, caring, protective, and true. Always there and willing to do whatever necessary to follow through with things started in all aspects of O/our life. You have taken a mentally, emotionally, and physically abused woman and shown her that it is, not only ok to love unconditionally, but that it is right, good, natural… fulfilling. You have shown me that it is my right to love.

As a FATHER, you are again caring, loving, protective… perfect. Our daughters love You unconditionally. They know that You are always someone they can go to when they need a sheltering arm to hold them. They know that You are there when it seems like the world is against them.. And You give pretty good hugs too. i see You as a father who will stand up to the world for his children, and be damned to someone who doesn’t like it.

As a MASTER, You are strong, but gentle. Firm, but loving. You are hard when You need to be, soft when You can be. As W/we learn together, i see you drifting farther from that man who was unsure of the turn of events, and closer to a firm disciplinarian who expects his slave to be obedient. i see You as all of the above things wrapped into One. Indescribable, compassionate, strong, protective. Many of Your lessons revolve around self-control, and self betterment for Your servant. You are taking something that many see as a physical controlling and you are teaching me to mentally control myself. You are looking out for more than Your needs. You also are teaching me to be a better lover, showing me what You like in me, and teaching me to explore that and make it better for U/us. You are learning from past Masters via the internet and books, but i see You as someone future slaves and Masters may look up to… once You have broken this slave.

my life for You,
sweet

Limits

You asked for a current “Limit List”. Without further instruction i set myself a minimum of 25. If You wish more, only command it.

(click to see full graph due to size restrictions on this site, Sir)


Explanations:
1. Obvious Reasons
2. Obvious Reasons
3. Obvious Reasons
4. It’s gross and unsanitary.
5. i have total faith in You. I know You would never shed blood to hurt me. The sharpness is invigorating. Having to hand that total trust to you is ecstasy.
6. i wish to be trained in finding that place in my mind where the pain reached a level of ecstasy and life becomes ethereal, please Sir.
7. As i mentioned before, sex purely for your pleasure is completely within your rights, and is something I freely offer… only i ask moderation so that i may also feel the pleasure you give.
8. Again, as mentioned, i wish to be trained in order to ease my pain and uneasiness, an dto make it more pleasurable for U/us.
9. i'm ok with "Your little slut... (slave, sex-fiend, tramp, cock whore, etc) anything that gives call to Your slave worshiping Your sexual administrations :) What i can't handle is "ugly" names that demean me mentally (stupid, bitch, cunt, etc.)
10. It is something W/we have always done, and the lessons are enjoyable even though difficult for me.
11. i’d have to go back in the book to explain, but i liked the theory of it when I saw it.
12. Different from biting, the soft, grabby bites are fun and pleasurable.
13. Of course, spankings are not an issue, so I divided by instrument. Lately i have only earned my spanking through disobedience, and your servant humbly apologizes. However, i do like the spanking and whipping when not in punishment. i think that perhaps it would be a good idea to choose 1-2 implements to use exclusively for punishments so there is a distinction.
14. See above
15. Same as 5.
16. Your servant would like to learn the command positions in order to better serve you.
17. Your servant would also like to learn, or perhaps earn, more gratifying names to use when speaking to you. You are All to me.
18. i would have no problem in You choosing suitable markings to permanently wear upon this body that serves You.
19. As required, and necessary, with training to make it a habit without need of command.
20. Different from #7. This bids me to do as You wish, in as long of an interval as necessary. i confess this would be my favorite area of submission, though i wish to learn all equally.
21. my understanding of worship is to show revered love of the object. Whether You wish me to gorge upon Your cock to show my willingness to serve you, or kiss your feet to show my place… the limits are endless.
22. This is something we’ve discussed in a ‘swing’ manner, and yes, it’s still a fantasy in that area, but in this area, i believe I would like to experience You filling me fully.. Your cock in my ass, a dildo of Your choosing in my pussy, perhaps triple filled and another in my mouth, or sucking Your tongue. Perhaps switch the holes filled by which object the next time. Every hole filled with my Master, taking me fully, claiming what is his. Yes, a very fond wish.
23. i wish to experiment more with bondage, yet i am a little apprehensive because of my claustrophobia. i ask that you guide me in this and help me overcome the necessary fears.
24. W/we do play with this, some, and i think it Is mind blowing. Perhaps with guidance from the mew lessons it can be taken to (heaven forbid) the *next* level.
25. Short explanation… i wish to be back the way i was.

my life in Your service,
Your Sweet

Why?

You asked “Why does one such as i wish to be a submissive?” i apologize for not remembering your exact wording, Sir.

On an emotional level:
The question has been posed to me before, by another submissive. At the time, it was a release. i spent all day, taking care of children (mine and others), cooking, cleaning, washing, paying bills, making sure everything in my household ran…and ran reasonably smooth. i needed a way.. No wanted a way to let everything go. EVERYTHING, including myself. i wanted a way to allow someone else to take charge of my life so i wouldn’t have to be responsible for it, if (then) even for a moment. Instead of me making all the decisions, i wanted someone else in charge. It was different from when Jason was around demanding things. This was something i wanted to give freely, to someone who deserved my obedience, rather than taking it.
FAST-FORWARD
That rough drafts my first experience… then i met you. i was able to share everything with You, and You didn’t judge me. You accepted all my craziness, all my neediness, the mental taking/receiving/giving, the bloodlust, the mental anguish of being abused. You were the person i could give all these things to… give myself to.
FAST-FORWARD
Now i ask You to take me as Your servant, because it is the last great gift of myself that can be given. Please don’t take that the wrong way. i have handed you my heart, and given You my love. i have given You and angel to watch over us from above. i have given You my hand. i have given You a beautiful daughter. In these things i have given You my soul. With my soul i have given You my life to do with as You will. i ask for Your command to enrich O/our lives by my service to You.

On a baser, more animalistic level:
Giving myself to You to do as You please is an animalistic pleasure that heats my very being to the core. Having You in direct command of my every move, entices my psyche. Every command, every punishment, every tear, every touch from Your soul leaves me longing for more of you. Each lash of your belt, whether given in punishment or passion, leaves me aching for your caress, longing for your approval.

On a greedy level:
i want (forgive me, Sir) You to control me. Lead me as You wish. Mold me into Your image of perfection. In this, i will never succeed… It only gives me longer to serve You.

my life for You,
Your sweet