Things I love about you....

I was saving this for Christmas but it seems like you need it now...

1. You love me
2. You are an amazing Dad to our kids
3. You can make me smile for no reason
4. You always make me laugh
5. You make me think positive when I’mnegative
6. You can see the best in me
7. You always come up with crazy thingsto do
8. You never forget important days
9. You always want to be close to me
10. You put your family first
11. You’ll watch “my” crime shows with me
12. You kiss me right when you get home
13. You are always my shoulder to cry on
14. You push me to do my best
15. You can make difficult decisions whenI can’t
16. You are not afraid to be silly
17. You can always calm me down
18. You make yourself laugh
19. You make me feel safe
20. You don’t care when I’m a bum
21. You can talk to me about anything
22. You provide for your family
23. You hold my hand when we’re walking
24. You have made the last 10 yearsamazing
25. You listen to my stupid stories
26. You’ll take me to buy ice cream at 11at night
27. You are not afraid of what othersthink
28. You are always working hard
29. You let me sleep in on the weekends(if the kids do!)
30. You hold me the right way
31. You always kiss me goodnight
32. You don’t mind when I don’t cookdinner
33. You’re proud to have me as your wife
34. You try to help around the house
35. You want what’s best for your family
36. You make a good pillow
37. You always say what’s on your mind
38. You can (eventually) admit when you’re wrong J
39. You occasionally stare at me lovingly
40. You like to surprise me with littlethings
41. You put up with my crazy family
42. You accept me for me
43. You are crazy silly cute with our kids
44. You try to better our relationship
45. You allow me to stay at home with ourchildren
46. You kiss my forehead
47. You try to fix everything around thehouse
48. You’ll shop with me every so often
49. You hold me when you are sleeping
50. You always stand by my side
51. You are perfectly imperfect
52. You make our house a home
53. You don’t mind that I take up most ofthe closet with clothes I don't wear
54. You always buy me Starbucks when Iwant it
55. You can finish my sentences
56. You know my favorite things
57. You remind me every day that your lovefor me is endless
58. You're eternally Peter Pan
59. You are an optimist
60. You gave me Kaelyn
61. You love Halie as your own.
62. You accept my needs and guide them.

Polyamory

I'm processing.

A post that I thought was going to be for future reference is now priority because polyamory in it's strictest sense (love for more than one) entered my life unexpectedly.

Now rather than my views on it I find myself posting my feelings on it. First let me state that I was ok walking into this blindly together. Finding out that this was a basic need is the hard part. Yeah, we're still blind, but now there is a purpose. My thoughts are like the proverbial angel & devil on my shoulder.

He loves that "new" relationship feeling of euphoria.

• Angel: Well, duh! It's fun!
• Devil: And since I can't give him anything new, so he's gotta go get it to feel complete.

He needs more to love than me.

• Angel: I can see this. Master is an insanely loving giving person.
• Devil: Why? Why can't loving me and my love for him be enough? I give him and our family unequivocally ALL of my love.

Is this something we can do?

• Angel: yes, we can do anything as long as we communicate.
• Devil: Fuck no! Maybe HE can, but this is a no fly zone for me. I can't fucking do this!

Is it a deal breaker (contract)?

• Angel: No, again, we can work through anything.
• Devil: The contract is all I have left so I can't call an end to it.

More later.. life calls...

My first non-spanking punishment

Dear Missus Blog,

I turned off my alarm today and instead of getting up, I dozed back off.

Upon confessing this to Master, I was grounded from my computer for 1 week (weekdays only) at bedtime (when Master is wearing his sleep mask).

The specifics (weekday/bedtime) are because I tend to ignore my body's need for sleep when I am reading/researching/writing, and even though I do turn the lights out at my required time (12:30 am), I potentially should listen to my body and perhaps go to sleep at 11 or 12.

Though I want to pout and hang my lip, Master has chosen a reasonable punishment, and even though we have not discussed it, I have asked for more non-spanking punishments.

My only concern is that I am grounded starting Monday. Is that going to cause an 'outta sight, outta mind" issue with me Monday night? Shouldn't I be grounded now? I don't know. I'm going to put my questions aside and follow Master's decision without question.

On a side note, the standard house rule, "No eating in the bedroom" is not enforced on me because while cleaning our room last night, Master found utensils that fell out of paper plates and candy wrappers not in the trash. Therefore my usual "midnight snack" while reading was eaten standing in the living room, staring in at my bed.

Total dislike, but I did it. I have requested this level of discipline for an unspecified training period and I can't bail out at my first pouty moment if I am really going to do this.

I will survive. I will learn. I will become a better person for my training.

♥ sweet

new thoughts on punishment

Dear Missus Blog,

As I sit here reiterating to Kaelyn to go finish writing her lines, I'm taking a moment to contemplate punishment.

My initial reaction with myself: I hate it.

My initial reaction with Kaelyn: Is making a 6 yr old write lines too much?

The answer to both is that focusing on the problem momentarily helps to settle the issue for the future. You don't have to like being punished, but you have to accept it to get past a situation.

I have been reading a lot on "Learning Domestic Discipline" a blog about simply the cause and effect scenarios of life in a domestic partnership, where one person head the household and the spouse curbs to his judgement. While not TPE, it is a power exchange, and the 2nd in command of the household does have to deal with consequences of their actions.

LDD has a post titled the "LDD Intersection" and on this post he covers a wide range of knowledge levels of DD and how to met out punishment, different levels of punishments, differences between punishment spankings and erotic spankings, and how to handle "getting used to" spankings. I think it could be used as a guide for punishing domestic and disrespectful situations, even though the author doesn't specifically approve of BDSM or TPE.

Back to me.. I am starting to understand that punishment is necessary. I have gone a few days without the need for it, and it makes me glad to have followed Master's tasks and watched my mouth to not have earned His ire.. and I say earned because I do. When I disappoint or disrespect Him the punishment is earned, and the discipline should be as He sees fit.

The only thing I need to speak to Master about, that I think He will understand is to not hit me in anger. Even if this means "corner time" while He calms enough to spank me properly, I believe that it will assist me in learning my place rather than feeling that He hurt me because I anger Him.

I understand that some things are warranted as they happen, even if his angry at the time, such as when He slapped my face at John & Em's to stop my hysterics. But the other night when He was angry because I yelled at Him and He forcefully bent me over the tub and bruised me with the spanking, felt more like a beating because I was already at a heightened sense and because He struck me in anger.

The selections in the LDD blog might be useful, I think he's a little hoity in a lot of what he says, but his comments about when & how to escalate punishment seem fair.

♥, sweet

Speaking of songs that say it all...

Never Surrender

Do you know what it's like when
You're scared to see yourself?
Do you know what it's like when
You wish you were someone else
Who didn't need your help to get by?
Do you know what it's like
To wanna surrender?

[Chorus:]
I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better
I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now
And never surrender

Do you now what it's like when
You're not who you wanna be?
Do you know what it's like to
Be your own worst enemy
Who sees the things in me I can't hide?
Do you know what it's like
to wanna surrender?

[Chorus]

Make me feel better,
You make me feel better,
You make me feel better,
Put me back together.

[Chorus]

Put me back together,
Never surrender,
Make me feel better.
You make me feel better,
Stay with me here now,
And never surrender.

Please be me...

Broken.

Some days are bad.

Other days are worse.

Today, I am just fine.

Scared.

A new side of me.

One I don't like.

Today, she stayed away.

Confused.

Why is this happening?

Why me?

Today, I didn't ask.

Hurt.

Little inconsequential things.

Big stupid hurt.

Today, I laughed.

Lonely.

Lost when we're apart.

Anxious when we're together.

Today, I relaxed.

Healing.

Slowly seeing the light.

Learning to live again.

Tomorrow, please be me.

Broken

I'm not sure what is causing this but I feel broken.

My head is just not right. I am all together sad, depressed, lonely, and afraid.... even when wrapped in his arms, or even surrounded by friends. When he leaves me, I cry. As in bawl. As in friggin ridiculous my word just ended sobbing. He has work. He has friends. He has things he likes to do that don't involve me. Up until just recently it never bothered me.. at all. I loved it when he'd get up early to go skating on the weekend & leave me in bed till the kids woke me... this time I had a melt down. He walked out that door and I had this crushing searing pain in my chest that he wasn't coming back.

Totally irrational (see I know what parts make NO SENSE!), yet I have this overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. I'm scared that what I am, what I have, what I can offer is not enough to keep him satisfied... I'm not talking just sexually, but overall. Unless we're arguing we can't carry on a conversation more than 2 minutes. I get asked why I always have to argue... maybe that's why? Maybe I'm seeking attention the only way I think is possible? That teen mentality of "even bad attention is better than no attention"?

I'm not sure how to attract his attention otherwise, at least not attract it and keep it. We've talked, and now I know that his ADD is kicking in overdrive and he needs constant high stimulation (ie talk, text, game, and a movie), but I can't help feel that there should still be something I can do to raise his interest level in what I do, say, or am. I feel like I should be enough, and if I am not I have failed somehow as a wife and as a woman.

This all came to a head last night. I felt ignored and rejected even with him sitting next to me, watching a movie and chatting with me. A text message I thought had ended well before dinner was ongoing and it set me off. I know he is not going anywhere. I know he loves me, I know he is mine. Yet constant long term chatting felt like the equivalent on online dating to me. A little harmless flirting or chatting I find cute and fun. Constant chat to "get to know someone better" for the sake of making play sessions more fun & enjoyable I find on par with what a couple does when they start dating... except when we were dating there was no "how to you like it" discussion? We weren't planning on being permanent, so we just fucked. That's all I feel they should be afforded as well. But at the same time, I trust him, and I shouldn't care. In my heart I know this, but my brain is going &%$#^&*+&@^!!!! My brain needs to stop giving me unnecessary feedback.

I am NOT a jealous person, so why do I feel this way? All we can determine is that the BCP are reaping havoc on my hormones. The thing is I don't know how to stop it. I can't stop birth control. I have reached a point in my life that I am officially done having babies. The thought of an "oops" pregnancy last month wasn't even exciting...it was damned near terrifying! I no longer "qualify" for an IUD because of the tubal pregnancy I had. I can't use condoms consistently with him. I can with anyone else, but with him they kill me. (???wtf???) Right now my only feasible option is the pill... but at what cost? If it is causing me this much grief & anguish... pushing him away when yet all I want is him close to me... Neither of us (nor the kids) deserve the emotional roller coaster... but we have no other options.

From research I did this morning, (I found this article) it's apparent that mental health effects have been a factor with birth control since they came out in 1960. 52 years and they can't fix that yet? From what I see progestin (one of the 2 synthetic hormones in BCP) causes a lowering of serotonin because it feeds a brain secretion that naturally lowers serotonin. Serotonin deficiency is what the base doctors determined was causing my migraines and anxiety attacks around the time we met... and I wasn't on hormonal birth control then.

The warnings on the birth control pack have a warning that say discuss any of the following with your doctor immediately... blah blah blah... mental/mood swings. But where do I go? Who do I talk to? The student clinic can only do so much, and I don't have a doctor.

I am hoping that it was just the "loading" of the pills past my normal period that are causing it. I am on day 3 of skipping the empty placebos now - expecting AF Tues-Wed. and I'm that having a bleed will flush my system and things will get back on track.

If it doesn't I don't know what to do. I cant live like this. I can't keep feeling like this. I can't continue to hurt like this, where inconsequential nothings rip my heart out. I. Just. Can't. Co. It.

♥ sweet

At a loss

I'm at a loss as t owhy I continue to fight with Master about everything.

I want this life. I am his to control for always.

So why don't I let him? /sigh

THIS is the thing I must control and only this:

RELINQUISH CONTROL TO HIM!

And my mouth... I must learn to control my God forsaken bratty ass mouth!

I really feel like a failure lately. For some reason giging up contril makes me anxious, and I don;t know why.

♥ sweet

OMG!

Master said he'd get me to do it and he did.. I haven't squirted since we were dating and humping like teenagers in the back of his import, LOL! Ah.. any way W-O-W and O-M-G!

That was FUN!

Thank You, Sir!

~Sweet

the worst punishment

i have displeased Master greatly in doing this the past 2-3 days. i cannot give a valid reason, and Master has taken the harshest punishmet i can imagine. i have been denied the braided cable choker that suffices for my daily collar. He believes (rightly) that i have had much behavior unbefitting a slave, and that while i am still in his service, i must earn my collar again. i have no reason why i am feelling utterly defiant. i do know it has to stop. i never want to feel this level of disappointment in myself again. i never want HIM to feel it again.

Master did today allow/suggest that i join a local friend with a vanilla friend. She knows of our lifestyle, and also knows that i have an attitude to work off. Master has given me a time of two weeks to earm my collar by controllong these urges, or truly face His wrath. my hope is to work myself silly at the gym and be too tired to be so bratty and defiant.

it finally came in!!

The simple braided cable choker Master had me order for daily wear finally came in from Canada today... I can't wait until I finally have that constant reminder circling my throat!