Things I love about you....

I was saving this for Christmas but it seems like you need it now...

1. You love me
2. You are an amazing Dad to our kids
3. You can make me smile for no reason
4. You always make me laugh
5. You make me think positive when I’mnegative
6. You can see the best in me
7. You always come up with crazy thingsto do
8. You never forget important days
9. You always want to be close to me
10. You put your family first
11. You’ll watch “my” crime shows with me
12. You kiss me right when you get home
13. You are always my shoulder to cry on
14. You push me to do my best
15. You can make difficult decisions whenI can’t
16. You are not afraid to be silly
17. You can always calm me down
18. You make yourself laugh
19. You make me feel safe
20. You don’t care when I’m a bum
21. You can talk to me about anything
22. You provide for your family
23. You hold my hand when we’re walking
24. You have made the last 10 yearsamazing
25. You listen to my stupid stories
26. You’ll take me to buy ice cream at 11at night
27. You are not afraid of what othersthink
28. You are always working hard
29. You let me sleep in on the weekends(if the kids do!)
30. You hold me the right way
31. You always kiss me goodnight
32. You don’t mind when I don’t cookdinner
33. You’re proud to have me as your wife
34. You try to help around the house
35. You want what’s best for your family
36. You make a good pillow
37. You always say what’s on your mind
38. You can (eventually) admit when you’re wrong J
39. You occasionally stare at me lovingly
40. You like to surprise me with littlethings
41. You put up with my crazy family
42. You accept me for me
43. You are crazy silly cute with our kids
44. You try to better our relationship
45. You allow me to stay at home with ourchildren
46. You kiss my forehead
47. You try to fix everything around thehouse
48. You’ll shop with me every so often
49. You hold me when you are sleeping
50. You always stand by my side
51. You are perfectly imperfect
52. You make our house a home
53. You don’t mind that I take up most ofthe closet with clothes I don't wear
54. You always buy me Starbucks when Iwant it
55. You can finish my sentences
56. You know my favorite things
57. You remind me every day that your lovefor me is endless
58. You're eternally Peter Pan
59. You are an optimist
60. You gave me Kaelyn
61. You love Halie as your own.
62. You accept my needs and guide them.

Polyamory

I'm processing.

A post that I thought was going to be for future reference is now priority because polyamory in it's strictest sense (love for more than one) entered my life unexpectedly.

Now rather than my views on it I find myself posting my feelings on it. First let me state that I was ok walking into this blindly together. Finding out that this was a basic need is the hard part. Yeah, we're still blind, but now there is a purpose. My thoughts are like the proverbial angel & devil on my shoulder.

He loves that "new" relationship feeling of euphoria.

• Angel: Well, duh! It's fun!
• Devil: And since I can't give him anything new, so he's gotta go get it to feel complete.

He needs more to love than me.

• Angel: I can see this. Master is an insanely loving giving person.
• Devil: Why? Why can't loving me and my love for him be enough? I give him and our family unequivocally ALL of my love.

Is this something we can do?

• Angel: yes, we can do anything as long as we communicate.
• Devil: Fuck no! Maybe HE can, but this is a no fly zone for me. I can't fucking do this!

Is it a deal breaker (contract)?

• Angel: No, again, we can work through anything.
• Devil: The contract is all I have left so I can't call an end to it.

More later.. life calls...

A New Task for Self-Image

To battle my growing poor self image, I am now required to a minimum of 3 days a week to "dress up".

This is because I feel it fake when I dress up "for no reason"/without cause. Going out? Yes, look my best. Home? Frump. Now, I am doing it for a reason. I am doing it because Master has set a goal. This is to be ongoing until it feels natural to "be pretty".

It is hard to admit that with even the admiration that I get from Master and our swinger friends (male & female alike), I do not feel beautiful or pretty. I feel like a total trash bag.

Today was Day #1 of this week. I got dressed in my comfy jeans and favorite shirt (with a bra), cleaned up my make up box, and applied my make-up. I went pink and made it a little bold, but I think I like it, even though it does feel odd to be dressing up just because "Hey! It's Tuesday!"

I still have to brush my hair, even if I just put it back up. I'm sure daily maintenance wil lbe good for it and me rather than every other day (or less) like I sadly do some weeks.

So, Day 1? I'm still not impressed. I'll be back in a few weeks to revisit these feelings.

stuff i read on the forum that might be helpful??

I don't know if anyone else came up with categories for spankings, but we did. For reference, here they are: -
Deterring - After the fact, when I have misbehaved. To deter future misbehaviour.
Detriggering - During the fact, when I’m upset. To calm me down.
Absolving - After the fact, when deterring isn’t necessary. To allow me to forgive myself.
Analgesic - When I am in emotional pain. To make it go away.

My first non-spanking punishment

Dear Missus Blog,

I turned off my alarm today and instead of getting up, I dozed back off.

Upon confessing this to Master, I was grounded from my computer for 1 week (weekdays only) at bedtime (when Master is wearing his sleep mask).

The specifics (weekday/bedtime) are because I tend to ignore my body's need for sleep when I am reading/researching/writing, and even though I do turn the lights out at my required time (12:30 am), I potentially should listen to my body and perhaps go to sleep at 11 or 12.

Though I want to pout and hang my lip, Master has chosen a reasonable punishment, and even though we have not discussed it, I have asked for more non-spanking punishments.

My only concern is that I am grounded starting Monday. Is that going to cause an 'outta sight, outta mind" issue with me Monday night? Shouldn't I be grounded now? I don't know. I'm going to put my questions aside and follow Master's decision without question.

On a side note, the standard house rule, "No eating in the bedroom" is not enforced on me because while cleaning our room last night, Master found utensils that fell out of paper plates and candy wrappers not in the trash. Therefore my usual "midnight snack" while reading was eaten standing in the living room, staring in at my bed.

Total dislike, but I did it. I have requested this level of discipline for an unspecified training period and I can't bail out at my first pouty moment if I am really going to do this.

I will survive. I will learn. I will become a better person for my training.

♥ sweet

Journaling Prompt>> Identity

lunaKM 04:56:54 pm on July 2, 2012 | 7 | # |
Tags: emotions, identity, names, slave names, slavery

Have you ever been given a ’slave name’ or had your name changed by someone else? What emotional effect did it have on you, if any? Does your sense of self/identity tie in strongly with your name?

Master calls me "sweet". When dating, and even now, his "pet name" for me is "sweet pea".

When in scene, when he needs my attention, or when I am stepping out of line, he simply calls me "sweet". This reminds me that I need to be 100% attentive to my behavior, and what he is saying, or doing.

Emotionally I love both forms of the name, and both have different sweet spots in my heart. Knowing that no matter who I am or what I do, I am the sweetness in his life, feels me with awe, love, and wonder.

I identify more with "sweet" than I do with Anne or sweet pea, the term of endearment is not quite as common place as my given name, but being called "sweet" reminds me of this life we have chosen together and reminds me of how he has changed to offer me the discipline and security that I need.

Journaling Prompt>> Self

lunaKM 5:47 PM on August 16, 2012
Tags: identity, sense of self, slavery

In the beginning, did you ever wonder if you would lose your sense of self somehow in your slavery? Has that proven to be the case? Is that still a question for you?

This has always been a question/fear of mine. I have found recently that remaining in touch with my feelings and being unashamed to bring them to Master's attention helps me retain my feelings of self.

Aside from slavery, where I am giving him my all. I've recently found domestic discipline, and the mindset fits into my "role" as a slave. I am not just his sex kitten, I am is wife and the mother of his children. It behooves me as this woman to maintain self discipline and meet his expectations in the home, of my self, and of my behavior and respectfulness.

Where as a slave I sometimes feel helpless, as a wife in DD I am reminded that I control my discipline by simply meeting his expectations, and not "getting in trouble". No bad = no punishment spankings. Punishment spankings hurt. Even if I can take "more" as a slave receiving training, knowing that I have disappointed him enough to require discipline punishments provokes a deeper pain.

I'm slightly off track... I am no longer concerned with losing my "self". I feel that we are learning the abilities and techniques to not change me but to mold me to a better me while keeping my interior intact.

♥ sweet

Things I'd like to discuss

Can we discuss these things in text, IM, or just chat when we have time, please, Sir?

Alternative discipline (I would like some "options" besides spankings, please, Sir.)

BDSM spankings, scenes, etc (We've focused a LOT on disciplining my behavior, rightly so, but I miss my "training sessions".)

Chore delegation (I just need a little positive reinforcement with the kiddos, please.)

Anger management (Mine, towards the kids... I do not want to disappoint you and wind up being spanked.)

Thank You, Sir

<3, sweet

new thoughts on punishment

Dear Missus Blog,

As I sit here reiterating to Kaelyn to go finish writing her lines, I'm taking a moment to contemplate punishment.

My initial reaction with myself: I hate it.

My initial reaction with Kaelyn: Is making a 6 yr old write lines too much?

The answer to both is that focusing on the problem momentarily helps to settle the issue for the future. You don't have to like being punished, but you have to accept it to get past a situation.

I have been reading a lot on "Learning Domestic Discipline" a blog about simply the cause and effect scenarios of life in a domestic partnership, where one person head the household and the spouse curbs to his judgement. While not TPE, it is a power exchange, and the 2nd in command of the household does have to deal with consequences of their actions.

LDD has a post titled the "LDD Intersection" and on this post he covers a wide range of knowledge levels of DD and how to met out punishment, different levels of punishments, differences between punishment spankings and erotic spankings, and how to handle "getting used to" spankings. I think it could be used as a guide for punishing domestic and disrespectful situations, even though the author doesn't specifically approve of BDSM or TPE.

Back to me.. I am starting to understand that punishment is necessary. I have gone a few days without the need for it, and it makes me glad to have followed Master's tasks and watched my mouth to not have earned His ire.. and I say earned because I do. When I disappoint or disrespect Him the punishment is earned, and the discipline should be as He sees fit.

The only thing I need to speak to Master about, that I think He will understand is to not hit me in anger. Even if this means "corner time" while He calms enough to spank me properly, I believe that it will assist me in learning my place rather than feeling that He hurt me because I anger Him.

I understand that some things are warranted as they happen, even if his angry at the time, such as when He slapped my face at John & Em's to stop my hysterics. But the other night when He was angry because I yelled at Him and He forcefully bent me over the tub and bruised me with the spanking, felt more like a beating because I was already at a heightened sense and because He struck me in anger.

The selections in the LDD blog might be useful, I think he's a little hoity in a lot of what he says, but his comments about when & how to escalate punishment seem fair.

♥, sweet

Journaling Prompt>> Rituals

lunaKM 12:56 PM on August 6, 2012

Tags: centering, meanings, rituals

Do you have rituals? Such as waking, cleaning, beauty, exercise, dressing? Do they have meaning or are they just something that you do? Do you have a centering ritual?

We do have a few rituals, but mostly we are working on having these things come natural.

Ritualistically I can request training or a scene by kneeling, hands on thighs, palm up, and stating "i surrender". He can order the same by taking my left wrist and stating "surrender". This stems from a time when we were not in a 24/7 TPE and we wanted a way to respectfully remind each other of our needs & desires. This is a sign of my total surrender to his desires, and I did not understand how deeply it moved me until reading "Fifty Shades of Grey". There is a scene where Christian believes that Ana is leaving him and he falls to his knees in total surrender to her. I was gasping, speechless, and in tears for him, because I know what it is like to offer your all to someone. This is something that Master has unknowingly taught me that I am grateful for.

I am required to wake up at a certain time on weekdays and sleep a minimum of 8 hours. This generally means going to SLEEP no later than 1:30, putting me in bed at 12:30. Lately however our little princess is waking me up before dawn, so to complete this task I'd have to go to bed at 9:30. Occasionally we do, but 9:30-10:30 is usually "our time" on weekdays. Play, making love, scenes, or just spending time together (ie rebounding on Words with Friends FTW!).

I am also trying to work out a non-painful walking/workout schedule to at the very least feel healthier if not look better. Once we determine what my body can handle I am sure Master will make a requirement of it at least 3-4 days a week.

Cleansing, dress, and other bodily functions are left to my control, but I am required to take care of myself. The only caveat is that if he requires something of me, like making sure I shave for something he has planned, or wear a butt plug for preparation of the evening, I am required to do so.

I am recently learning centering via meditation through Mistress Abernathy's Erotic Slavehood lessons. I am not so good at it. My mind wanders easily with children and cats making a ruckus in the house. I need to remember to ask MAster other techniques than the one described in her book.

Abernathy Lesson 13 - Personal care and fitness for slaves.

Remember: your own appearance reflects on your owner!

Exercise: List all the personal care products you use.

Soap, deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, heat therapy hair mask for blow drying, shaving lotion, mascara, eyeliner, lip liner, & gloss/lip stick

Activity: If you use only basic products, indulge yourself in a bath oil or soak. If you have more makeup than the Queen has jewels, spend a weekend using just basics.

I will add a relaxing soak or two weekly to my bathing routines.

Activity: Treat yourself to a manicure, pedicure, facial, or massage (or all of these) at a day spa or salon. Alternatively, you can create a spa experience at home.

Until time permits, I will care for myself at home, using the techniques I have learned already.

Daily: body cleansing, nail care, lotioning

2-3x week: aromatherapy bath soak, nail polishing

Monthly: hand/foot soak or masks,

Every 2 months (as money permits): hair trim/cut/style

Occasional: demi-permanent (wash out) hair dye

Activity: Rent or purchase a video that teaches basic yoga or stretches. Establish a simple exercise regime for yourself: a walk around the park, some deep knee bends or shoulder rolls. If you work at a desk, be sure to get up at least once every 30 minutes to avoid tension.

To begin no later than this Sunday, August 19th:

Daily: 64 oz water

3-4x per week: Walk around the neighborhood after dusk

Sunday: P90X2 stretch

Monday: 15-30 minutes, Zumba (any DVD)

Tuesday: P90X2 stretch

Wednesday: 15-30 minutes, Zumba (any DVD)

Thursday: P90X2 stretch

Friday: 15-30 minutes, Zumba (any DVD)

Saturday: Free Day

Abernathy Lesson 12 - Voice Training II: forms of address

Exercise: List all the titles of authority you can think of. In non-scene life, what dictates when you use such a title? What cues (verbal or non-verbal) tell you to use respect by using a title? Is it possible to be disrespectful while using a formal title? What titles have you been called?

Titles:

• Sir
• Master
• Mr. /Mister
• Ma'am
• Madame
• Mistress
• Miss/Ms./Mrs.
• Officer (Police/Military)
• Sergeant, etc (Military)
• Majesty
• Queen
• King
• Judge
• Your Honor

In non-scene life it is signaled by positions of authority (teachers, etc) uniforms (Officers, Military, Judges) and also by demeanor, the way one carries his/her self, and by age. If I were to walk up to an older gentleman or woman, regardless of their station in life, I would say Mister, Miss/Mrs. or Sir or Ma'am when addressing them.

It is possible to do disrespect while using titles of authority. I have, shamefully, done it myself while addressing Master. Respect is conveyed more than in words, it is conveyed in tone and actions. If you roll your eyes, yell, or speak in a rough manner, or argue rather than discussing calmly, this is all showing disrespect, whether intentional or not.

I have been called Miss/Ms./Mrs. depending on my marital status, "Ma'am" by children and telecommunications personnel on the phone, and once or twice "Ma'am" or "Mistress" by Master when He on occasion asked me to "switch" in the past. I also receive a loving "Yes, Ma'am you aaaarre welcome!" after a particularly successful session making love with Him. ♥

Exercise: Select a title that denotes dominance to you, and for one week, address your slave journal ("my thoughts" tag) to that figure of authority. Do you find that your tone changes? Are there things you neglect or choose not to write? Why or why not?

Since I have a "To you, Sir" tag, I will use the female form of "Ma'am" to address my journal, as it is a diary of sorts, and I don't want to confuse what I have written specifically to Master with what I have written as my random thoughts; though occasionally they so overlap.

I am sure that my tome will remain respectful while writing to "Ma'am" though I do not write disrespectful to myself. I do write openly to myself. As when writing to Master I will not neglect nor omit anything in my writing, as I have agreed to use it as an outlet for my emitions, and as Master reads it all it would be tantamount to lying to Him.

Abernathy Lesson 11 - Voice Training I: silence

Exercise: Sit quietly for 5 minutes and just listen, then write down what you remember hearing.

1. two fans in our room, one softly whirring, the other humming as it oscillated back & forth.
2. a cat bell in the bathroom as Duke scratched (faster noise) then jumped on the counter to eat (slower & short)
3. soft "nmnnm" while Kaelyn stretched and a gentle smacking of the lips as she rolled over.
4. a car door closing outside
5. Halie's stereo playing softly, undistinguishable
6. the refrigerator humming softly then slightly louder as the fan kicks on
7. the sound of the a/c kicking off.. I did not notice it's sound while on.

Activity: At least once this week, actively choose silence. Say nothing. Just once. Notice how external silence helps you focus on the inner voices, and eventually quiet them as well.

I have chosen silence today, mainly because I have a headache and hours of Backyardigans and Pokoyo will likely make my head explode. The girls are together in Kaelyn's room watching Dr. Doolittle and though I can hear it it is quiet. The cats are not fighting. I am enjoying not having the TV on. I have treated my headache because I do have chores and laundry to accomplish, but for now all I have going on is the gentle hum of the appliances, and it is good.

Fix it

I came across this picture and it reminded me of our last few weeks and all you have done to help me.

And I know that this is where we stand. I know that this "issue", whatever it may be, is giving me doubts in my own head. Please believe me when I say I have never doubted YOU... even if my mouth said otherwise in a tantrum.

I have never doubted Your love for me.

I have never doubted that above all You will be the one to "fix" me and help me get better.

I have only doubted myself and my ability to be the one You want me to be. I know that my fears are worse than my ability. I know that you are accepting of who I am even if you are annoyed as hell with my actions.

I know that if I am granted 65 years with you by my side it will not be long enough by far.

My wish is to serve you to the best of my ability, with your love as my guide, for as long as I am allowed.

I love You, Sir, and thank You for helping me on my road to emotional recovery.

Speaking of songs that say it all...

Never Surrender

Do you know what it's like when
You're scared to see yourself?
Do you know what it's like when
You wish you were someone else
Who didn't need your help to get by?
Do you know what it's like
To wanna surrender?

[Chorus:]
I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better
I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now
And never surrender

Do you now what it's like when
You're not who you wanna be?
Do you know what it's like to
Be your own worst enemy
Who sees the things in me I can't hide?
Do you know what it's like
to wanna surrender?

[Chorus]

Make me feel better,
You make me feel better,
You make me feel better,
Put me back together.

[Chorus]

Put me back together,
Never surrender,
Make me feel better.
You make me feel better,
Stay with me here now,
And never surrender.

Abernathy Lesson 10 - Slave journal: the discipline of self-disclosure

Activity: Use a notebook to write every day thoughts.

This need not be about the training process, just write regularly for approximately 30 minutes.

Sir, can you suggest a time table? Daily? __x per week? etc.

Also, in order to make it readily available for full disclosure at anytime you need it, may I continue to post it on this blog under "my thoughts", rather than using a notebook?

Activity: Review the affirmations in Lesson 1.

Kneel, clear your mind, and visualize yourself saying this openly and honestly with your Master whom you trust implicitly. Imagine Him responding firmly but with deep devotion and care. Now repeat your affirmation, write in your journal, and repeat your affirmation quietly to yourself.

I have the unalienable right to consent the control I keep of my destiny and choose the right to live a life of service at your command.

Abernathy Lesson 9 - Obedience III: Self-discipline

Activity: continue to practice the meditation techniques in lesson 7.

10 minutes daily, and increase your exercise until you are doing so 20 minutes 2x per day.

I will start repeating today.

Exercise: Name 5 individuals (real, fictional, or celebrity) who embody the virtue of self-discipline to you. What can you learn from them?

Mrs. Booth - Kindness

Mr. Booth - Patience

Gramma - Moderation

"Bones" - Belief in one's ability

Stephen King - Perserverence

Abernathy Lesson 8 - Obedience II: Awareness of others

Exercise: Think of someone you have met in the last day or two.

Describe them, their appearance, what they are wearing, their mood, and their state of mind.

I've met no one new this recently. I will return when the situation arises.

Now think of someone you see daily that is not a close friend. Answer the same questions.

I have no "regular I see daily. I will return when the situation arises.

Activity: Next time you go out to eat, remember your server's name and use it.

Use it when asking for assistance or thanking them.

I will use this this weekend when/if it comes up. Otherwise it will be done ASAP.

Exercise: List 5 non-verbal clues regarding how you can tell when a person is:

Angry?

1. tight face
2. clenched fists
3. shuttered breathing
4. that "look" in the eye
5. aggressive walk

Depressed?

1. sad face
2. silence
3. oversleeping consistently
4. tears
5. sighs

Excited?

1. bright eyes
2. smile
3. "bouncy"
4. clapping
5. fast breathing

Activity: Go to a busy public place and close your eyes.

Using your other senses, locate the person closest to you. What can you say about them? How can you describe them. Open your eyes. How close were you?

I will use this this weekend when/if it comes up. Otherwise it will be done ASAP.

Abernathy Lesson 7 - Obedience I: 1st Steps towards Mindfulness

Exercise: With eyes closed name 3 things behind you, in front of you, and to the left & right.

b - table, coffee cup, fan

f - Bookshelf, Dogfood, Halie's room

l - couch cushion, Abernathy book, printer

r - laundry basket with folded clothes, coffee table, purse

Activity: Meditation to clear your mind.

As you breathe clear your minds of all thoughts. As they come back, focus on your breathing and put them away.

Activity: Set a clock for 11 minutes past the hour and focus on your posture.

Relax any tense muscles using the above technique. Repeat in 1 hour.

Activity: Play the card game "Memory" to develop observation skills.

Played online at http://www.gamesgames.com/game/Memory-Game-Fruits.html

Please be me...

Broken.

Some days are bad.

Other days are worse.

Today, I am just fine.

Scared.

A new side of me.

One I don't like.

Today, she stayed away.

Confused.

Why is this happening?

Why me?

Today, I didn't ask.

Hurt.

Little inconsequential things.

Big stupid hurt.

Today, I laughed.

Lonely.

Lost when we're apart.

Anxious when we're together.

Today, I relaxed.

Healing.

Slowly seeing the light.

Learning to live again.

Tomorrow, please be me.