Abernathy Lesson 5 - Assessing Risk

Relationships

Exercise: Rate the following responses 1-10 where 1 is "never" or "absolutely not" and 10 is "always" or "most definitely".

~4~ I am most comfortable in a monogamous relationship.

~7~ I enjoy feeling helpless or "out of control" sometimes".

~6~ I am attracted to members of my own gender.

~8~ I am uncomfortable if I don't know what my partner is thinking.

~1~ My family knows about my interest in D/s and they're all right with it.

~9~ My friends know about my interest in D/s and they're supportive of my choices.

~n/a~ If my neighbor found out about my interest in D/s, it wouldn't bother them in the least.

~n/a~ My therapist is comfortable discussing my interest in D/s and seems to know something about BDSM.

Work

Exercise: Describe your current job or source of income, how D/s affects this, what employers or co-workers would think, and if you quit where would you stand financially?

Master, please explain how you would like me to answer this.

Health

Activity: Ask your doctor for a copy of your files. Schedule a physical if it's been more than 3 years.

Activity: Make a list of medications you are taking, including regular OTC.

• Tri-Nessa Birth control pills 1x daily, Rx expires May 2013
• OTC Cetrizine/Zyrtec allergy pills, 1x daily
• OTC Chlortrimeton allergy pills, as needed

Exercise: Answer the following in honest detail.

1. Do you have any allergies? Pollen/wheat, both cause hay fever type symptoms.
2. Do you have any dietary restrictions? Are you vegetarian or vegan? I have to watch my consumption of meats as too much causes stomach pains, but I am not vegan or vegetarian.
3. Do you have any chronic illnesses or injuries that trouble you? What sort of treatment do you use? Herniated disc at L4-5 in my lower back causes pain and sciatica. I treat it with rest as needed, hot soaks as often as possible, and massage when possible.
4. Do you wear glasses or contact lens? Do you have a hearing aid? I do wear glasses daily.
5. Do you use drugs (including alcohol and tobacco) recreationally? What and how often? I do not use recreational drugs or tobacco, I do drink socially, usually on weekends.
6. Are you currently struggling with an addiction? No.
7. Are you aware of any body image issues that bother you? I am extremely overweight and my boxy sags everywhere.
8. Are you clean and/or sober? for how long? N/A
9. Are you in recovery from an addiction other than sex or drugs? For how long? No.
10. Did you suffer any (physical, verbal, psychological, sexual, spiritual...) as a child? All of the above. My mother was an alcoholic who abused me verbally, psychologically & physically. My father was a controlling pedophile who abused me sexually, verbally & psychologically.
11. Have you suffered such abuse as an adult? Yes, my ex-husband abused me verbally, psychologically, physically, and sexually.
12. How have you learned to heal these wounds? By talking about it when it is bothering me and by facing my fears regarding them with you, before and after you became my Master.
13. If you have a history of abuse, can you identify any "triggers" (words, sounds, objects situations) that might cause you trauma now? The only thing that has surfaced recently is "flicking" me while being abrasive and ordering me around (Erin's).
14. Do you have any history of abusing others? If so, what steps have you taken to change this pattern? I believe that I have been towards you and the children with my yelling. I have hit Halie. I believe that the behavior modificatoins we are working on are the best steps I have taken towards changing this.

Abernathy Lesson 4 - Responsibilities of a slave in training

"One of the most important responsibilities of a slave is communication."

Exercise: Complete the following sentences (book prompts end at ...)

1. I imagine myself as a slave as being able to... follow orders without questioning, accept commands without balking, give myself completely to my master in anything he asks.
2. As a slave, I wouldn't be able to... argue, yell, "mouth off" or be disrespectful in any way.
3. The idea that those things would be forbidden makes me feel... like I would finally have succeeded as a person and slave.
4. Just once in my life I'd like, I'd like to... let go completely and not feel like I needed to be in control of anything.
5. I definitely would not want to... always have to have the correct answers.
6. In my sexiest private fantasy, I... am sexy. That's all. I fantasize about being sexy.
7. I have a secret fetish for... shoes, leather, whips, pain, blood/bleeding... is any of that a secret?
8. Being in collar would make me feel... special, loved, owned.
9. If I were forbidden to have an orgasm for a whole week I'd... let's face it. I'd be fine.
10. When I masturbate I think about... things that have turned me on the the past, occasionally thing I would like to try - like DP or scissoring.
11. I'd like to learn how to... be confident in myself, my looks, and my abilities.
12. Serving my Master in public would make me feel... approved of.
13. My most erotic memory is... the night we "fell back" into our M/s roles with no prompting.
14. I first learned about erotic slavehood when... I googled something like "Is it normal to feel like I want to lose control?" expecting something about mental health.
15. My favorite book is... I have 2. Intensity by Dean Koontz - about a young woman who thinks she is meek & mild and overcomes her adversary (a serial killer) and saves a young woman who is his captive. Insomnia by Stephen King is a modern telling about the 3 mythological fates and them cutting the thread of life when it is time and nothing can change it, and if it is bad things happen... to me it's like - you think you have control, but you don't.
16. My favorite movie is... Dracula 2000, I like the steamy "come hither" eroticism as well as the "Judas as the first vampire" story line.
17. In my free time, I most often... blog ;)
18. The thing I find most attractive about other people is... confidence!
19. My highest priority in life is... the success of my family no matter their endeavors.
20. Sometimes I doubt I'll ever be able to... release full control and become a proper slave.
21. I think most of my romantic involvements have been... complete and utter failures up until this point.
22. In the past, I was ashamed of... being a failure in my other 2 marriages.
23. I feel I have comes to terms with... the abandonment issues caused by those failures.
24. If there's one negative emotion I can't handle, it's... rejection or jealousy. Either of those make me feel like I have lost control of myself TO MYSELF. While I willingly give Otry) control to Master, losing control within myself kills me.
25. When a person raises their voice to me, I... automatically raise mine back as a defense mechanism. It's almost a fight or flight response.
26. The three things I associate with silence are... sleep, obedience, death.
27. If pressed, I'd identify myself as... an uncontrolled woman, wanting to be a proper slave, but still retain my identity.
28. The biggest influence on my erotic life has been... learning that I can have my quirks and fetishes and no matter how odd they seem, someone understands (You) and somewhere out there, someone is worse!
29. I'd describe my spiritual life as... an acceptance of a higher being that I will have to confront when the time comes to defend the choices I make now.
30. I believe strongly that... finding the person who loves and accepts you is a gift not to be wasted; meeting your soul mate is a once in a lifetime experience that cannot be expected, only hoped for, and when you meet him/her, never let go; this is a lifestyle that I want to be in because I need the control to become a better person, the person I really want to be.
31. I'd fight for my right to... retain my identity while I am molded into control.
32. I've only ever wanted to... be accepted and loved, not only for who I am but for who I want to be.

What does Anne want from the BDSM lifestyle? Part 3 - Public/Private

Part 3 - Public/Private

As our private BDSM life becomes more public with our friends I find myself being more open to the standards if you are inclined... walking behind you, asking your permissions in public, not looking in the eye without being told. Not that we do that but, IF you were so inclined.

I am fine with you chatting with friends about some things, but I did find myself embarrassed as hell and hurt when you told John I got put in time out.

I want to repair my choker into a cuff that I can wear daily in public (it's cumbersome and twists and hurts me the way it is now), however I don't feel I need this to remind me that I am yours to command.

I know I created this category, so I am not sure how to elaborate. Please ask more directly if I haven't covered enough.

What does Anne want from the BDSM lifestyle? Part 2 - Behavioral

Part 2 - Behavioral/Personal

Training. Training. Training.

I suck at this part. I know. In this I visualize a Master/slave relationship. I have committed to following your lead long term.

I think I said this all last night when I said that I want to be the person you fell in love with again. I want to not fight, bicker, bitch, and yell. I know we have responsibilities as adults that we have to deal with, but aside from that I want to be carefree. I want to be the happy person you fell in love with.

I know that the fighting and arguing is wrong. I know that the yelling is wrong. I hate yelling at you, and my children. I want them to remember more than that when we're apart, when they grow up and I grow gray, and eventually leave them.

I want you to help me modify this behavior. this thing is that you do such a perfect job of trying to keep me in line. And I don't follow through. I am almost at a loss here.In a perfect M/s role I wouldn't bitch, moan, yell, or complain. I wouldn't question you. I would do what you said, when you said it, and if I didn't there would be no "try to get it right" I'd just get knocked on my ass.

I don't want that (Yes, I like pain, but not punishment - more soon), so all I can think of is trying a 3 step protocol.

Scenario: I fuck up. (words, actions, etc)

Step 1: The Look. (You may have to do.. something to make sure you have my attention??)

Step 2: A firm "Sweet... calm down." (This can work in front of the kids)

Step 3: "To the Room"

I can't elaborate much more on behavior. I want to stop the destructive behavior. That is all.

But please stop assuming because I am acting one way that I mean what I did last time I acted that way. I'm human.. and a female one at that. Frustration does not me "he needs a lesson".. it means "I don't know how to express myself." You compare it to a "baby fit". Babies have fits because they don't how else to express themselves. I need to learn how to express myself with words rather than actions.

I do want to be able to have an opinion about how to express myself. I want to be able to disagree with you if I feel strongly about something. I want to be able to tell you when I think you a wrongly interpret my words or actions.

I need to learn how to do so with respect, but I would like to be heard out with a mind open to understanding my point as well as your own.

Punishment

I guess this is as good of a place as any to put this. You have said to others, "She likes pain so spanking doesn't help." Actually it does. Spanking as play in the bedroom, getting hurt, coddled, and fucked is fun. Getting spanked as punishment, reprimanded, and ignored is not.

Last night for instance, when I angered you to the point of rolling me over and spanking me... when you put me in the corner last week... That wasn't fun, I didn't like it, and I knew you were upset.

In my mind there is a firm divider between spanking for fun and spanking for punishment. The physical outcome to my body may be the same, but the mental outcome is not.

I will admit a few things that I hope make sense.

Though I did not enjoy it, I liked you taking control of my actions by slapping me at J&E's. Again, I didn't like the action, and did not label it as good pain, but as a sub I felt, "he's getting it."

When you spank me for punishment and fuck me long & hard afterwards, I do associate that with good. Were you to spank me, fuck me rough and short to get your pleasure quickly then "ignore" me, I would associate that with punishment. Getting your pleasure with no concern for mine (no touching, grabbing, lube, lead up) = punishment. Getting your pleasure by fucking me to the edge = not punishment... because I still enjoy that sexual act because my body is used to not coming.

Orgasm denial would probably not work as a punishment for me, for obvious reasons.

What does Anne want from the BDSM lifestyle? Part 1 - In the Bedroom

Part 1 - In the Bedroom

In the bedroom I prefer to be a bottom, though at your request I would occasionally top for your pleasure only.

I want to to please you in all things in this area. I know that we have an open relationship, but did we not, I would want to answer to all your carnal needs and desires. I want to be able to answer to any of your needs immediately in the bedroom.

If this meant learning to stretch my body to it's limits to bend, twist, stretch into different positions to please you, I will. If this means sucking your cock, swallowing your cum, and getting no pleasure, touch, or release of my own body, I am willing. If this means training to have anal often, I would.

I want to learn to enjoy abstaining because it is your wish. I want to learn to cum because you say so, not because my body is finally listening. I want my body to quicken, eager for your entrance, just because you say you want inside me.

I want more impact play with good pain but I want to test my limits with bad pain as well. I like the harshness of play, pain, crying... even bleeding for you. It demands that I have no control, that I am yours in everything... but I want to want this from you in the bedroom, not fear it. Not all the time of course, but regularly. I also feel that these types of scenes work best when not planned, so with training hopefully I can fall into a pattern of submission to what you want, when you want it.

And I know that it is something you enjoy physically and mentally. I have gotten punishment spankings and turned around to your hard cock in my face. It is enjoyable to both of us, I'd like to use it.

This is something I want to be ready for 24/7 without thought or provocation. I do believe that most of these things will only come with lots of training and lots of patience from us both. By the glossary, this would be service-oriented submission.

And of course the pain aspects come with a general assumption of aftercare.

I do no want to ask to be taken. I am willing to "come on" to you occasionally since you like it, but I do not want to have to tell you or ask for sex, pain, or aftercare. I know you have a hard schedule and I know that it is hard to get to bed early enough for a long "scene" but I would prefer more frequency than when we have time on the weekend.

♥ sweet

Limits list July 2012

Master asked me to redo my limits list as a lot has changed and I have begun to allow him to take control of me in ways I never dreamed.

I found a more detailed list to use, due to the change in play, and I tried to give more than yes, no answers.

A MS Excel file can be DLed by clicking here, Sir.

Awaiting Your leisure to discuss,

♥ sweet

Abernathy Lesson 3 - Assessing Strengths & Weaknesses

Exercise: List 5 things for each of the following categories:

Activity: In the next week choose one item from the second list - things you'd like to learn - and research how you might begin to learn it.

Project Date: June 25, 2012

Start by date: August 1, 2012

Document progress below

Choice Made: how to paint my nails (starting easy)

How To #1: slow down, have patience, do not rush.

Abernathy Lesson 2 - What kind of slave am I?

Exercise: Imagine you are a live-in slave, serving your ideal dominant. What would you like to be like? Choose the answer that fits your dream. (pgs 82-87)

I choose 2 answers for a few because either would be equally ideal for me. Tallying them up, I get: A's (2), B's (4), C's (3), D's (6)

In order of scoring this is: D.) escort, B.) sex slave, C.) housekeeper/cook, and A.) body servant/valet.

A high number of D's suggests that I would like to be an "escort" style slave... essentially on Your arm all the time. The scale suggests I have an attractive personality and excellent communication skills. Also that I enjoy meeting new people and serving in public - though discreetly. The equality of the remainder suggests that: A's) enjoy the more formal roles at home and/or in private, B's) I would do well at public BDSM functions in service to you, & C's) would be a good personal secretary to You.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I currently feel more C) housekeeper with B) sex slave mixed in. As a mother and wife this is expected. I would like to work on rounding this out more, please, Sir. You do Your part exercising your role discreetly in public, I need to do the same.

Suggestions?

♥, Your sweet

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From 1/1/09

In this lesson i learned that i am suited for a housekeeping servant, with sexual and personal escort tendencies. (but we already knew that)

When one thinks of servitude in this lifestyle, sex is the assumption. Domestic servitude is about caring for Master and meeting His every need, be that His need for clean jeans, a hot meal, a cold drink, sweaty sex, or a quickie with His favorite personal secretary perched across His lap.

Serving is about giviong yourself freel to all His needs.

Abernathy Lesson 1 - What is a Slave?

Exercise. Write twenty words, phrases, images, or associations that come to mind when you hear the word "slave." Try to take no longer than two minutes.

**transferred from notebook**
List:

love, control, sex, pain, comfort, care, commands, orders, demands, punishment, fears, passion, need, gift, collar, cuff, whip, relinquishment, offerings, forever

Activity: Write an affirmation of your right to consent. Place it where you will see it several times daily.

I have the unalienable right to consent the control I keep of my destiny and choose the right to live a life of service at your command.

Public view/to post visibly: Right. Consent. Service

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List from 1/1/09 (to note possible changes in thought?)

HIS, love, giving, taken, owned, collar, pain, spanking, sex, caring, safe, derf, hold, surrender, handciffs, bound, wonderful, teachings, lessons, written, talk to Master truthfully, freedom, openness, ready, willing, submissive

my affirmations from 1/1/09:
I have the right to give myself freely.
I choose to give the gift of my service to better myself and others.
I accept the gift of servitude as an acceptance of myself.
I control my destiny.
I choose that destiny to include the teachings of my Master.

At a loss

I'm at a loss as t owhy I continue to fight with Master about everything.

I want this life. I am his to control for always.

So why don't I let him? /sigh

THIS is the thing I must control and only this:

RELINQUISH CONTROL TO HIM!

And my mouth... I must learn to control my God forsaken bratty ass mouth!

I really feel like a failure lately. For some reason giging up contril makes me anxious, and I don;t know why.

♥ sweet

Goal # 1 set by Master

Be better prepered for anal sex by learning to wear my buttplug under my clothes within 72 hours of being told.

He's giving me 72 hours notice because the act has been bothering me, painfully bothering me.

My time is up Saturday night. I'm going to try to be ready Friday, not necessarily to get it over, but to succeed at his goal faster.

This weekend being back in collar and in your service was amazing and it was all I could do a few times not to cry in joy. We both admitted this weekend that we've gotten away from it and need to reclaim it.

I fiddled around until I determined my password and got back into these old journals, including my sweet submissions and sweet's lessons.

As your loving slave, I respectfully request to be given goals again, and accept whatever rewards or punishments you will give in my completion or failure of them. I know where Mistress Abernathy's book is, but I believe in the years we have been M/s we have grown together and you probably no longer need her help.

I have added you as a author of this blog and I will check this blog as directed to see any goals you may have posted. Goals I will post here... lessons I will post in the lesson blog - unless you prefer I combine them for your ease.

All my love forever,

Your sweet

Why is it inappropriate for me to yell at Master?

1. It was my choice to live a TPE dynamic.
2. In general, it is disrespectful. In my M/s relationship it is contemptuous and impertinent.
   
3. Master is in control.
4. As my owner, he is the only one who can give me permission for such an outburst.
5. As a slave, I have given up the choice to scream and have temper tantrums without prior permission.
6. As a wife it is unfair and rude.
7. As a mother it is ugly and not something the children should hear.
8. My temper and outbursts were the reason behind the force driving us towards TPE, so that I can and will be held accountable for my outbursts.
9. When I am told to calm down, stop yelling, and shut up... I should listen.
10. The more I argue or continue to be unruly, the more punishment I am adding upon myself.
11. Above all, I should respect the freedom of expression granted to me by Him and not abuse it with such childish outbursts.

Journal Prompt>> Week of February 5

Do you enjoy rituals in your relationships? What is your favorite?

We do have a few rituals.

• A formalized greeting when he returns home
• A symbolic gesture of my submission to formally ask for scene play
• A bondage collar for scening

I serve him daily and completely. We have a IE/TPE relationship. We are looking for the perfect collar for daily use to "seal-the-deal" formally.

My favorite is the symbolic gesture of submission. It shows him that I ask for and want his dominance and training, while giving me another chance to offer myself to him. It's not necessary, as he has it without resistance.. but it's.. nice.

OMG!

Master said he'd get me to do it and he did.. I haven't squirted since we were dating and humping like teenagers in the back of his import, LOL! Ah.. any way W-O-W and O-M-G!

That was FUN!

Thank You, Sir!

~Sweet

Sensual Service>> Journal Prompts - Archive

From the week of November 17, that I missed. A prompt caught my eye, and I wanted to write about it.

Does your Owner stand on courtesy? Do they use please and thank you with requests from you? How does it make you feel? Do you not take it as an order if it has please after it?

My Master does make a firm stand on courtesy.

He uses "please" and "thank you" almost always, unless we are deep in scene. This is not at all necessary, of course, as I serve him no matter the politeness, but it does make me feel proud (a bad trait for a slave?) to have an Owner who respects me enough to say thank you for tasks that I am bound by spoken and written (though expired) contract to do.

I do take it as an order even if he has said "please". I do admit to letting myself slide and not jumping up immediately if he does so, and usually in these cases I get a slightly firmer request and no "please".

However, we have discussed and both admit/agree that he could be more forceful with his requests in some instances. Ritual/daily tasks, like cooking/serving his dinner he always thanks me for, as he is grateful not to have to cook for himself, a task he freely admits he can't do. :) But when asking me to draw his bath, or ready his bed for the night, it could be done without the "please".

I have rarely though not heard "thank you", no matter the task. As he expects courtesy and respect for the things he does for me, he is the type of person who expects no less courtesy from himself. Perhaps it is ingrained from childhood, but is a standard he holds himself up to as a man. Master is a firm believer that his word means everything, whether a contract, promise, conversation, threat, or offer. He won't renege without a major sacrifice or something detrimental preventing him from fulfilling it. I believe this is why he uses the courtesy he does with my training.

The only time these words are completely missing is when I have failed utterly at something and require punishment, something I am striving to prevent as I learn more from him.

Response to quote

“Sometimes what seems like surrender isn’t surrender at all. It’s about what’s going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater.”- Nicholas Evans, The Horse Whisperer

Even though this movie and quote has nothing to do with the lifestyle, it says everything a slave can feel and (occasionally) admit to.

In our chosen way of doing things, we actually use the word surrender. It can be an offer of myself to him at anytime, or it can be a demand of my services from him. It is used and offered tenderly and has also become part of his 'pet' name for me. But this quote shows that it is more.

It is about heart. It is about our love for each other. It is about what we offer each other. Not just as a slave to my master, but what my Master offers me. It IS about clearly seeing and accepting what this choice means to us (as husband and wife ), accepting what it means in our life (as a couple and parents), and (as I am learning) commiting to it on a daily basis, "whatever the pain". The pain of failing, not commiting, displeasing Master, is indeed a FAR greater hurt.

I slide a lot, and I have the great comfort of having a forgiving Master, but he is NOT a forgetful Master. I pay dearly for all my transgressions, in flesh and/or tears, chores, duties, and (worse of all) in Master's dissatisfaction of me. Flesh pain can be dealt with, and always heals, butthe inner anguish of knowing I have displeased him lasts much longer.

I surrender myself to him in trust and love. He accepts my surrender with his love and protection. Those are the things that make being his slave a lifetime choice, not a passing fancy.

Do you like yourself? Do you accept yourself? Do you love yourself?

On most days that is a simple answer: NO!

But since Master is getting just about fed up with me being negative, I'll elaborate and maybe that will help lead me towards a solution.

Some things are starting to gradually change. My biggest issue is my weight. A combinantion of my lack of caring and medical problems led me to an unlealthy weight. I am gradually losing it on my own, and that alone is helping with my self "dislike" issues.

Because of the weight issues, I also have a hard time accepting myself. It's like the fine print that says "sold as is". When you don't like it "as is", you don't buy it. Master is a brave shopper. He accepts me "as is" with no bartering. There is also no bartering when it comes to my attitude towards myself. Either I like it, change it, or shut up. I am not allowed to talk down to nor about myself. It is the one rule he has with absolutely no exceptions, excuses, or safewording. Side effects include harsh scolding and, when necessary, spanking.

I am beginning to love the person I am becoming, even if I don;t currently love the state I am in. There are several things I am doing to better myself, not just as a person, but as a wife, mother, and servant. I have mostly mended my lazy ways, and our home stays more comfortable and MUCH more livable. I'm not afraid to have company over. I am bettering myself by going to college, which will help my family excell and succeed in the long run. And of course, losing the weight sloooooooooowly is helping too.

Maybe next year I can look back at this post and have a completely different answer..

Sensual Service » Journal Prompts - Week of January 5th

These have been going to my spam folder, but I found them again today. I believe I will try to keep up and reply at least once every few weeks this year, unless Master requires differently.

1. Do you like yourself? Do you accept yourself? Do you love yourself?
2. Are you a perfectionist?
3. “Sometimes what seems like surrender isn’t surrender at all. It’s about what’s going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater.”- Nicholas Evans, The Horse Whisperer
4. Are you a people pleaser?
5. “A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.” - Robert Heinlein

the worst punishment

i have displeased Master greatly in doing this the past 2-3 days. i cannot give a valid reason, and Master has taken the harshest punishmet i can imagine. i have been denied the braided cable choker that suffices for my daily collar. He believes (rightly) that i have had much behavior unbefitting a slave, and that while i am still in his service, i must earn my collar again. i have no reason why i am feelling utterly defiant. i do know it has to stop. i never want to feel this level of disappointment in myself again. i never want HIM to feel it again.

Master did today allow/suggest that i join a local friend with a vanilla friend. She knows of our lifestyle, and also knows that i have an attitude to work off. Master has given me a time of two weeks to earm my collar by controllong these urges, or truly face His wrath. my hope is to work myself silly at the gym and be too tired to be so bratty and defiant.