My first non-spanking punishment

Dear Missus Blog,

I turned off my alarm today and instead of getting up, I dozed back off.

Upon confessing this to Master, I was grounded from my computer for 1 week (weekdays only) at bedtime (when Master is wearing his sleep mask).

The specifics (weekday/bedtime) are because I tend to ignore my body's need for sleep when I am reading/researching/writing, and even though I do turn the lights out at my required time (12:30 am), I potentially should listen to my body and perhaps go to sleep at 11 or 12.

Though I want to pout and hang my lip, Master has chosen a reasonable punishment, and even though we have not discussed it, I have asked for more non-spanking punishments.

My only concern is that I am grounded starting Monday. Is that going to cause an 'outta sight, outta mind" issue with me Monday night? Shouldn't I be grounded now? I don't know. I'm going to put my questions aside and follow Master's decision without question.

On a side note, the standard house rule, "No eating in the bedroom" is not enforced on me because while cleaning our room last night, Master found utensils that fell out of paper plates and candy wrappers not in the trash. Therefore my usual "midnight snack" while reading was eaten standing in the living room, staring in at my bed.

Total dislike, but I did it. I have requested this level of discipline for an unspecified training period and I can't bail out at my first pouty moment if I am really going to do this.

I will survive. I will learn. I will become a better person for my training.

♥ sweet

Journaling Prompt>> Identity

lunaKM 04:56:54 pm on July 2, 2012 | 7 | # |
Tags: emotions, identity, names, slave names, slavery

Have you ever been given a ’slave name’ or had your name changed by someone else? What emotional effect did it have on you, if any? Does your sense of self/identity tie in strongly with your name?

Master calls me "sweet". When dating, and even now, his "pet name" for me is "sweet pea".

When in scene, when he needs my attention, or when I am stepping out of line, he simply calls me "sweet". This reminds me that I need to be 100% attentive to my behavior, and what he is saying, or doing.

Emotionally I love both forms of the name, and both have different sweet spots in my heart. Knowing that no matter who I am or what I do, I am the sweetness in his life, feels me with awe, love, and wonder.

I identify more with "sweet" than I do with Anne or sweet pea, the term of endearment is not quite as common place as my given name, but being called "sweet" reminds me of this life we have chosen together and reminds me of how he has changed to offer me the discipline and security that I need.

Journaling Prompt>> Self

lunaKM 5:47 PM on August 16, 2012
Tags: identity, sense of self, slavery

In the beginning, did you ever wonder if you would lose your sense of self somehow in your slavery? Has that proven to be the case? Is that still a question for you?

This has always been a question/fear of mine. I have found recently that remaining in touch with my feelings and being unashamed to bring them to Master's attention helps me retain my feelings of self.

Aside from slavery, where I am giving him my all. I've recently found domestic discipline, and the mindset fits into my "role" as a slave. I am not just his sex kitten, I am is wife and the mother of his children. It behooves me as this woman to maintain self discipline and meet his expectations in the home, of my self, and of my behavior and respectfulness.

Where as a slave I sometimes feel helpless, as a wife in DD I am reminded that I control my discipline by simply meeting his expectations, and not "getting in trouble". No bad = no punishment spankings. Punishment spankings hurt. Even if I can take "more" as a slave receiving training, knowing that I have disappointed him enough to require discipline punishments provokes a deeper pain.

I'm slightly off track... I am no longer concerned with losing my "self". I feel that we are learning the abilities and techniques to not change me but to mold me to a better me while keeping my interior intact.

♥ sweet

Things I'd like to discuss

Can we discuss these things in text, IM, or just chat when we have time, please, Sir?

Alternative discipline (I would like some "options" besides spankings, please, Sir.)

BDSM spankings, scenes, etc (We've focused a LOT on disciplining my behavior, rightly so, but I miss my "training sessions".)

Chore delegation (I just need a little positive reinforcement with the kiddos, please.)

Anger management (Mine, towards the kids... I do not want to disappoint you and wind up being spanked.)

Thank You, Sir

<3, sweet

new thoughts on punishment

Dear Missus Blog,

As I sit here reiterating to Kaelyn to go finish writing her lines, I'm taking a moment to contemplate punishment.

My initial reaction with myself: I hate it.

My initial reaction with Kaelyn: Is making a 6 yr old write lines too much?

The answer to both is that focusing on the problem momentarily helps to settle the issue for the future. You don't have to like being punished, but you have to accept it to get past a situation.

I have been reading a lot on "Learning Domestic Discipline" a blog about simply the cause and effect scenarios of life in a domestic partnership, where one person head the household and the spouse curbs to his judgement. While not TPE, it is a power exchange, and the 2nd in command of the household does have to deal with consequences of their actions.

LDD has a post titled the "LDD Intersection" and on this post he covers a wide range of knowledge levels of DD and how to met out punishment, different levels of punishments, differences between punishment spankings and erotic spankings, and how to handle "getting used to" spankings. I think it could be used as a guide for punishing domestic and disrespectful situations, even though the author doesn't specifically approve of BDSM or TPE.

Back to me.. I am starting to understand that punishment is necessary. I have gone a few days without the need for it, and it makes me glad to have followed Master's tasks and watched my mouth to not have earned His ire.. and I say earned because I do. When I disappoint or disrespect Him the punishment is earned, and the discipline should be as He sees fit.

The only thing I need to speak to Master about, that I think He will understand is to not hit me in anger. Even if this means "corner time" while He calms enough to spank me properly, I believe that it will assist me in learning my place rather than feeling that He hurt me because I anger Him.

I understand that some things are warranted as they happen, even if his angry at the time, such as when He slapped my face at John & Em's to stop my hysterics. But the other night when He was angry because I yelled at Him and He forcefully bent me over the tub and bruised me with the spanking, felt more like a beating because I was already at a heightened sense and because He struck me in anger.

The selections in the LDD blog might be useful, I think he's a little hoity in a lot of what he says, but his comments about when & how to escalate punishment seem fair.

♥, sweet

Journaling Prompt>> Rituals

lunaKM 12:56 PM on August 6, 2012

Tags: centering, meanings, rituals

Do you have rituals? Such as waking, cleaning, beauty, exercise, dressing? Do they have meaning or are they just something that you do? Do you have a centering ritual?

We do have a few rituals, but mostly we are working on having these things come natural.

Ritualistically I can request training or a scene by kneeling, hands on thighs, palm up, and stating "i surrender". He can order the same by taking my left wrist and stating "surrender". This stems from a time when we were not in a 24/7 TPE and we wanted a way to respectfully remind each other of our needs & desires. This is a sign of my total surrender to his desires, and I did not understand how deeply it moved me until reading "Fifty Shades of Grey". There is a scene where Christian believes that Ana is leaving him and he falls to his knees in total surrender to her. I was gasping, speechless, and in tears for him, because I know what it is like to offer your all to someone. This is something that Master has unknowingly taught me that I am grateful for.

I am required to wake up at a certain time on weekdays and sleep a minimum of 8 hours. This generally means going to SLEEP no later than 1:30, putting me in bed at 12:30. Lately however our little princess is waking me up before dawn, so to complete this task I'd have to go to bed at 9:30. Occasionally we do, but 9:30-10:30 is usually "our time" on weekdays. Play, making love, scenes, or just spending time together (ie rebounding on Words with Friends FTW!).

I am also trying to work out a non-painful walking/workout schedule to at the very least feel healthier if not look better. Once we determine what my body can handle I am sure Master will make a requirement of it at least 3-4 days a week.

Cleansing, dress, and other bodily functions are left to my control, but I am required to take care of myself. The only caveat is that if he requires something of me, like making sure I shave for something he has planned, or wear a butt plug for preparation of the evening, I am required to do so.

I am recently learning centering via meditation through Mistress Abernathy's Erotic Slavehood lessons. I am not so good at it. My mind wanders easily with children and cats making a ruckus in the house. I need to remember to ask MAster other techniques than the one described in her book.

Abernathy Lesson 13 - Personal care and fitness for slaves.

Remember: your own appearance reflects on your owner!

Exercise: List all the personal care products you use.

Soap, deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, heat therapy hair mask for blow drying, shaving lotion, mascara, eyeliner, lip liner, & gloss/lip stick

Activity: If you use only basic products, indulge yourself in a bath oil or soak. If you have more makeup than the Queen has jewels, spend a weekend using just basics.

I will add a relaxing soak or two weekly to my bathing routines.

Activity: Treat yourself to a manicure, pedicure, facial, or massage (or all of these) at a day spa or salon. Alternatively, you can create a spa experience at home.

Until time permits, I will care for myself at home, using the techniques I have learned already.

Daily: body cleansing, nail care, lotioning

2-3x week: aromatherapy bath soak, nail polishing

Monthly: hand/foot soak or masks,

Every 2 months (as money permits): hair trim/cut/style

Occasional: demi-permanent (wash out) hair dye

Activity: Rent or purchase a video that teaches basic yoga or stretches. Establish a simple exercise regime for yourself: a walk around the park, some deep knee bends or shoulder rolls. If you work at a desk, be sure to get up at least once every 30 minutes to avoid tension.

To begin no later than this Sunday, August 19th:

Daily: 64 oz water

3-4x per week: Walk around the neighborhood after dusk

Sunday: P90X2 stretch

Monday: 15-30 minutes, Zumba (any DVD)

Tuesday: P90X2 stretch

Wednesday: 15-30 minutes, Zumba (any DVD)

Thursday: P90X2 stretch

Friday: 15-30 minutes, Zumba (any DVD)

Saturday: Free Day

Abernathy Lesson 12 - Voice Training II: forms of address

Exercise: List all the titles of authority you can think of. In non-scene life, what dictates when you use such a title? What cues (verbal or non-verbal) tell you to use respect by using a title? Is it possible to be disrespectful while using a formal title? What titles have you been called?

Titles:

• Sir
• Master
• Mr. /Mister
• Ma'am
• Madame
• Mistress
• Miss/Ms./Mrs.
• Officer (Police/Military)
• Sergeant, etc (Military)
• Majesty
• Queen
• King
• Judge
• Your Honor

In non-scene life it is signaled by positions of authority (teachers, etc) uniforms (Officers, Military, Judges) and also by demeanor, the way one carries his/her self, and by age. If I were to walk up to an older gentleman or woman, regardless of their station in life, I would say Mister, Miss/Mrs. or Sir or Ma'am when addressing them.

It is possible to do disrespect while using titles of authority. I have, shamefully, done it myself while addressing Master. Respect is conveyed more than in words, it is conveyed in tone and actions. If you roll your eyes, yell, or speak in a rough manner, or argue rather than discussing calmly, this is all showing disrespect, whether intentional or not.

I have been called Miss/Ms./Mrs. depending on my marital status, "Ma'am" by children and telecommunications personnel on the phone, and once or twice "Ma'am" or "Mistress" by Master when He on occasion asked me to "switch" in the past. I also receive a loving "Yes, Ma'am you aaaarre welcome!" after a particularly successful session making love with Him. ♥

Exercise: Select a title that denotes dominance to you, and for one week, address your slave journal ("my thoughts" tag) to that figure of authority. Do you find that your tone changes? Are there things you neglect or choose not to write? Why or why not?

Since I have a "To you, Sir" tag, I will use the female form of "Ma'am" to address my journal, as it is a diary of sorts, and I don't want to confuse what I have written specifically to Master with what I have written as my random thoughts; though occasionally they so overlap.

I am sure that my tome will remain respectful while writing to "Ma'am" though I do not write disrespectful to myself. I do write openly to myself. As when writing to Master I will not neglect nor omit anything in my writing, as I have agreed to use it as an outlet for my emitions, and as Master reads it all it would be tantamount to lying to Him.

Abernathy Lesson 11 - Voice Training I: silence

Exercise: Sit quietly for 5 minutes and just listen, then write down what you remember hearing.

1. two fans in our room, one softly whirring, the other humming as it oscillated back & forth.
2. a cat bell in the bathroom as Duke scratched (faster noise) then jumped on the counter to eat (slower & short)
3. soft "nmnnm" while Kaelyn stretched and a gentle smacking of the lips as she rolled over.
4. a car door closing outside
5. Halie's stereo playing softly, undistinguishable
6. the refrigerator humming softly then slightly louder as the fan kicks on
7. the sound of the a/c kicking off.. I did not notice it's sound while on.

Activity: At least once this week, actively choose silence. Say nothing. Just once. Notice how external silence helps you focus on the inner voices, and eventually quiet them as well.

I have chosen silence today, mainly because I have a headache and hours of Backyardigans and Pokoyo will likely make my head explode. The girls are together in Kaelyn's room watching Dr. Doolittle and though I can hear it it is quiet. The cats are not fighting. I am enjoying not having the TV on. I have treated my headache because I do have chores and laundry to accomplish, but for now all I have going on is the gentle hum of the appliances, and it is good.

Fix it

I came across this picture and it reminded me of our last few weeks and all you have done to help me.

And I know that this is where we stand. I know that this "issue", whatever it may be, is giving me doubts in my own head. Please believe me when I say I have never doubted YOU... even if my mouth said otherwise in a tantrum.

I have never doubted Your love for me.

I have never doubted that above all You will be the one to "fix" me and help me get better.

I have only doubted myself and my ability to be the one You want me to be. I know that my fears are worse than my ability. I know that you are accepting of who I am even if you are annoyed as hell with my actions.

I know that if I am granted 65 years with you by my side it will not be long enough by far.

My wish is to serve you to the best of my ability, with your love as my guide, for as long as I am allowed.

I love You, Sir, and thank You for helping me on my road to emotional recovery.

Speaking of songs that say it all...

Never Surrender

Do you know what it's like when
You're scared to see yourself?
Do you know what it's like when
You wish you were someone else
Who didn't need your help to get by?
Do you know what it's like
To wanna surrender?

[Chorus:]
I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better
I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now
And never surrender

Do you now what it's like when
You're not who you wanna be?
Do you know what it's like to
Be your own worst enemy
Who sees the things in me I can't hide?
Do you know what it's like
to wanna surrender?

[Chorus]

Make me feel better,
You make me feel better,
You make me feel better,
Put me back together.

[Chorus]

Put me back together,
Never surrender,
Make me feel better.
You make me feel better,
Stay with me here now,
And never surrender.

Abernathy Lesson 10 - Slave journal: the discipline of self-disclosure

Activity: Use a notebook to write every day thoughts.

This need not be about the training process, just write regularly for approximately 30 minutes.

Sir, can you suggest a time table? Daily? __x per week? etc.

Also, in order to make it readily available for full disclosure at anytime you need it, may I continue to post it on this blog under "my thoughts", rather than using a notebook?

Activity: Review the affirmations in Lesson 1.

Kneel, clear your mind, and visualize yourself saying this openly and honestly with your Master whom you trust implicitly. Imagine Him responding firmly but with deep devotion and care. Now repeat your affirmation, write in your journal, and repeat your affirmation quietly to yourself.

I have the unalienable right to consent the control I keep of my destiny and choose the right to live a life of service at your command.

Abernathy Lesson 9 - Obedience III: Self-discipline

Activity: continue to practice the meditation techniques in lesson 7.

10 minutes daily, and increase your exercise until you are doing so 20 minutes 2x per day.

I will start repeating today.

Exercise: Name 5 individuals (real, fictional, or celebrity) who embody the virtue of self-discipline to you. What can you learn from them?

Mrs. Booth - Kindness

Mr. Booth - Patience

Gramma - Moderation

"Bones" - Belief in one's ability

Stephen King - Perserverence

Abernathy Lesson 8 - Obedience II: Awareness of others

Exercise: Think of someone you have met in the last day or two.

Describe them, their appearance, what they are wearing, their mood, and their state of mind.

I've met no one new this recently. I will return when the situation arises.

Now think of someone you see daily that is not a close friend. Answer the same questions.

I have no "regular I see daily. I will return when the situation arises.

Activity: Next time you go out to eat, remember your server's name and use it.

Use it when asking for assistance or thanking them.

I will use this this weekend when/if it comes up. Otherwise it will be done ASAP.

Exercise: List 5 non-verbal clues regarding how you can tell when a person is:

Angry?

1. tight face
2. clenched fists
3. shuttered breathing
4. that "look" in the eye
5. aggressive walk

Depressed?

1. sad face
2. silence
3. oversleeping consistently
4. tears
5. sighs

Excited?

1. bright eyes
2. smile
3. "bouncy"
4. clapping
5. fast breathing

Activity: Go to a busy public place and close your eyes.

Using your other senses, locate the person closest to you. What can you say about them? How can you describe them. Open your eyes. How close were you?

I will use this this weekend when/if it comes up. Otherwise it will be done ASAP.

Abernathy Lesson 7 - Obedience I: 1st Steps towards Mindfulness

Exercise: With eyes closed name 3 things behind you, in front of you, and to the left & right.

b - table, coffee cup, fan

f - Bookshelf, Dogfood, Halie's room

l - couch cushion, Abernathy book, printer

r - laundry basket with folded clothes, coffee table, purse

Activity: Meditation to clear your mind.

As you breathe clear your minds of all thoughts. As they come back, focus on your breathing and put them away.

Activity: Set a clock for 11 minutes past the hour and focus on your posture.

Relax any tense muscles using the above technique. Repeat in 1 hour.

Activity: Play the card game "Memory" to develop observation skills.

Played online at http://www.gamesgames.com/game/Memory-Game-Fruits.html

Please be me...

Broken.

Some days are bad.

Other days are worse.

Today, I am just fine.

Scared.

A new side of me.

One I don't like.

Today, she stayed away.

Confused.

Why is this happening?

Why me?

Today, I didn't ask.

Hurt.

Little inconsequential things.

Big stupid hurt.

Today, I laughed.

Lonely.

Lost when we're apart.

Anxious when we're together.

Today, I relaxed.

Healing.

Slowly seeing the light.

Learning to live again.

Tomorrow, please be me.

Abernathy Lesson 6 - Expectations: The Training Contract

As our commitment grows, I found that we have surpassed the levels of a simple "training" contract, so I searched simple Slave Contracts. Simple...?? This one was copied from a Mistress to her male slave and edited to change only our safe words and to add swinging & children.

♥ sweet

********** ********** ********** **********

The Slave Contract

AF, slave, furthermore known as “sweet” or “slave”, previously in possession of her own person, agrees and states that she wishes and intends to deliver himself entirely into the hands of GF, furthermore known as her Master.

Master agrees and states that he wishes and intends to take possession of slave for an indefinite amount of time.

By signing the Slavery Contract, it is agreed that:

1. The slave gives up all rights to her own person in every manner, giving Him: herself, her life, her future, her heart, and her mind; and that
2. Master takes entire possession of slave as His property, claiming her for Himself, His life, His future, within His heart and His mind.

1.0.0 Slave's Role

1. Slave agrees to obey and submit completely to Master in all ways. There are no boundaries of place, time, or situation in which the slave may willfully refuse to obey the directive of Master, except in situations where the slave's veto (section 2.0.1) applies.
2. Slave also agrees that, once entered into the Slavery Contract, her body belongs to Master, to be used as seen fit.
3. All of slave's possessions likewise belong to Master, including all assets, finances, and material goods, to do with as he sees fit.
4. Slave agrees to please Master to the best of her ability, in that she now exists solely for the pleasure of Master.
5. Slave understands that all that she has, and all that she does, shall now move from right to privilege, granted only as Master wishes, and only to the extent that Master finds useful.

2.0.0 Safe words

1. If slave feels that a situation is approaching a boundary unforeseen, slave may utter safe words to signify the following:
• GREEN: slave wishes Master to proceed OR slave "approves" the situation.
• YELLOW: slave needs the current activity to slow down momentarily OR slave feels "guarded" about the situation
• RED: slave needs the current situation to “freeze” at the current level OR slave feels "very cautious" about the situation.
2. Master accepts the responsibility of assessing situations when slave calls the safe word and will, to the best of his ability, make judgment on whether to modify the activity or stop activity entirely, unless “ DERF ” is called as a stop all (section 2.0.1).
3. Master agrees to take the given code into consideration and discuss the code with the slave in situations where he does not agree, such as LS situations.
4. Slave agrees to hold no ill will due to Master's decision. Master agrees not to punish slave for the use of a safe word.

2.0.1 Slave's Veto

1. Slave, where appropriate, holds veto power over any command given by Master, at which time she may rightfully refuse to obey that command.
2. This shall be signified by the safe word “DERF" and shall be used as a “stop all”.
3. Utterance of the safe word, “ DERF ", necessitates immediate termination of activity. It is considered a veto, and is grounds for termination of the Slavery Contract.
4. This is not to be used as a "get out of jail free" card to side step punishment or commands. It is for moments of "extreme duress" or "caution".

3.0.0 Slave's Behavior: General

1. Slave will strive diligently to remold slave's body, appearance, habits, and attitudes in accordance with Master's desires and agrees to change the slave's actions, speech, and dress to express the ownership.
2. Slave will always speak of her Master in terms of love and respect, and address Him appropriately (i.e. "Master", "Sir”, etc.) when so directed.
3. Slave will seek to learn how to please Master better, and will gracefully accept any criticism in whatever form Master chooses.
4. Slave renounces all rights to privacy or concealment from Master. This includes but is not limited to photography and video photography of slave, in any situation, to be used and displayed in any manner Master sees fit.
5. Slave agrees to confess all of slave's desires and fetishes for the Master's consideration.
6. Slave will answer truthfully and completely, to the best of the slave's knowledge, any and all questions Master may ask of slave.
7. Slave will volunteer any information her Master should know about her physical or emotional condition.
8. Slave shall be responsible for maintaining the cleanliness and availability of all toys. None shall be used without the express permission of Master, unless agreed to beforehand.
9. When in a domestic environment, slave is responsible for maintenance and completion of all household chores, including delegation of chores to the children, and excepting taking out the trash or heavy lifting. Assistance must be asked for respectfully for any other domestic chore.

3.0.1 Slave's Behavior: Opinions (added by sweet)

1. The slave is allowed to voice opinions and make decisions in the matters of child rearing and swinging, without having to use the veto. ( #subjecttochange )
2. The slave is allowed to voice opinions during discussions, specifically when her Master asks, and otherwise if respectfully requested by her. "May I say something on the matter, Sir?" is a good preface to such actions.
3. Both parties agree that all of the above must always be done in private unless the situation must be resolved immediately, in a respectful manner, and with an open mind.
4. Slave understands that a failure to maintain respect will be met with punishment as her Master sees fit.

3.0.2 Slave's Dress/Body/Appearance

1. When so ordered, slave shall diligently maintain and adorn slave's body parts in such manner as will ensure that they are fully open and available to Master.
2. When so ordered, slave's body parts shall be able to be displayed by slave in public or private, to others or to Master.
3. When so ordered, slave shall dress in attire Master sees fit for the situation at hand.
4. Slave shall never close her legs in Master's presence.
5. Slave shall keep slave's body parts clean-shaven at the direction of the Master.
6. Slave shall keep slave's hair cut, styled, and colored as directed by Master.
7. Slave shall keep slave's finger and toenails maintained as directed by Master.
8. Master has the right to tattoo or have tattooed, pierce or have pierced, or brand or have branded slave's body.
9. Slave will wear, at all times, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, a token of her possession, given to her by Master.
10. When so ordered, slave shall be required to wear a butt plug until excused by Master.

4.0.0 Master's Role

1. Master accepts the responsibility of slave's body and worldly possessions, to do with as Master sees fit.
2. Master agrees to love, care for, protect, and cherish slave, and to arrange for the safety and well being of slave.
3. Master also accepts the commitment to train the slave, punish the slave, love the slave, and use the slave as Master sees fit.

5.0.0 Punishment

1. Slave agrees to accept any punishment Master decides to inflict, whether earned or not.
2. Slave agrees that severe punishment may be assessed for any infraction of the letter or spirit of this Slavery Contract, and will accept the correction gratefully.
3. The form and extent of the punishment shall be at the Master's pleasure.
4. Master may punish her without reason to please Himself.
5. Slave retains the right to cry, scream, or beg, but accepts the fact that these heartfelt expressions will not affect her treatment.
6. Further, she accepts that if her Master tires of her noise, Master may gag her or take other actions to silence her.

6.0.0 Other People

1. Slave may not seek any other Master or lover, or relate to others in any sexual or submissive way, either in "real time", “swinging", "virtual", nor "cyber" time, without Master's permission. To do so will be considered a breach of Slavery Contract, and will result in extreme punishment or Slavery Contract termination.
2. Master may accept other slaves or lovers, but must consider slave's emotional response to such actions.
3. Slave agrees that her Master possesses the right to determine whether others can use her body and to what use they may put it. Master will discuss all such instances in advance with slave.
4. Slave has no say in the choice of these other partners, with the exception that play with others must be "safe."

7.0.0 Alteration of Slavery Contract

This Slavery Contract may not be altered, except when both Master and slave agree. If the Slavery Contract is altered, the new Slavery Contract shall be printed and signed, and then the old Slavery Contract must be destroyed.

7.0.1 Termination of Slavery Contract

1. This Slavery Contract may be terminated at any time by Master, but never by slave.
2. Upon termination, all materials and belongings shall belong to Master, to be shared or kept as Master sees fit.
3. Slave, owning nothing and having agreed to give up all worldly possessions and body to Master, shall once again own her body, but nothing else.

8.0.0 Slave's Signature

I have read and fully understand this Slavery Contract in its entirety.

I agree to give everything I own to my Master, and further accept His claim of ownership over my physical body, heart, soul, and mind.

I understand that I will be commanded and trained and punished as a slave, and I promise to be true and to fulfill the pleasures and desires of my Master, and serve Him to the best of my abilities.

I understand that I cannot withdraw from this Slavery Contract.

Electronic Signature: AMF/sweet, slave

Date: August 14th, 2012

8.0.1 Master's Signature

I have read and fully understand this Slavery Contract in its entirety.

I agree to accept this slave as my property, body and possessions, and to care for her to the best of my ability.

I shall provide for her security and well-being and command her, train her, and punish her as a slave.

I understand the responsibility implicit in this arrangement, and agree that no harm shall come to slave as long as she is mine.

I further understand that I can withdraw from this Slavery Contract at any time.

Electronic Signature: ______________, Master

Date: ________________

Broken

I'm not sure what is causing this but I feel broken.

My head is just not right. I am all together sad, depressed, lonely, and afraid.... even when wrapped in his arms, or even surrounded by friends. When he leaves me, I cry. As in bawl. As in friggin ridiculous my word just ended sobbing. He has work. He has friends. He has things he likes to do that don't involve me. Up until just recently it never bothered me.. at all. I loved it when he'd get up early to go skating on the weekend & leave me in bed till the kids woke me... this time I had a melt down. He walked out that door and I had this crushing searing pain in my chest that he wasn't coming back.

Totally irrational (see I know what parts make NO SENSE!), yet I have this overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. I'm scared that what I am, what I have, what I can offer is not enough to keep him satisfied... I'm not talking just sexually, but overall. Unless we're arguing we can't carry on a conversation more than 2 minutes. I get asked why I always have to argue... maybe that's why? Maybe I'm seeking attention the only way I think is possible? That teen mentality of "even bad attention is better than no attention"?

I'm not sure how to attract his attention otherwise, at least not attract it and keep it. We've talked, and now I know that his ADD is kicking in overdrive and he needs constant high stimulation (ie talk, text, game, and a movie), but I can't help feel that there should still be something I can do to raise his interest level in what I do, say, or am. I feel like I should be enough, and if I am not I have failed somehow as a wife and as a woman.

This all came to a head last night. I felt ignored and rejected even with him sitting next to me, watching a movie and chatting with me. A text message I thought had ended well before dinner was ongoing and it set me off. I know he is not going anywhere. I know he loves me, I know he is mine. Yet constant long term chatting felt like the equivalent on online dating to me. A little harmless flirting or chatting I find cute and fun. Constant chat to "get to know someone better" for the sake of making play sessions more fun & enjoyable I find on par with what a couple does when they start dating... except when we were dating there was no "how to you like it" discussion? We weren't planning on being permanent, so we just fucked. That's all I feel they should be afforded as well. But at the same time, I trust him, and I shouldn't care. In my heart I know this, but my brain is going &%$#^&*+&@^!!!! My brain needs to stop giving me unnecessary feedback.

I am NOT a jealous person, so why do I feel this way? All we can determine is that the BCP are reaping havoc on my hormones. The thing is I don't know how to stop it. I can't stop birth control. I have reached a point in my life that I am officially done having babies. The thought of an "oops" pregnancy last month wasn't even exciting...it was damned near terrifying! I no longer "qualify" for an IUD because of the tubal pregnancy I had. I can't use condoms consistently with him. I can with anyone else, but with him they kill me. (???wtf???) Right now my only feasible option is the pill... but at what cost? If it is causing me this much grief & anguish... pushing him away when yet all I want is him close to me... Neither of us (nor the kids) deserve the emotional roller coaster... but we have no other options.

From research I did this morning, (I found this article) it's apparent that mental health effects have been a factor with birth control since they came out in 1960. 52 years and they can't fix that yet? From what I see progestin (one of the 2 synthetic hormones in BCP) causes a lowering of serotonin because it feeds a brain secretion that naturally lowers serotonin. Serotonin deficiency is what the base doctors determined was causing my migraines and anxiety attacks around the time we met... and I wasn't on hormonal birth control then.

The warnings on the birth control pack have a warning that say discuss any of the following with your doctor immediately... blah blah blah... mental/mood swings. But where do I go? Who do I talk to? The student clinic can only do so much, and I don't have a doctor.

I am hoping that it was just the "loading" of the pills past my normal period that are causing it. I am on day 3 of skipping the empty placebos now - expecting AF Tues-Wed. and I'm that having a bleed will flush my system and things will get back on track.

If it doesn't I don't know what to do. I cant live like this. I can't keep feeling like this. I can't continue to hurt like this, where inconsequential nothings rip my heart out. I. Just. Can't. Co. It.

♥ sweet

Abernathy Lesson 5 - Assessing Risk

Relationships

Exercise: Rate the following responses 1-10 where 1 is "never" or "absolutely not" and 10 is "always" or "most definitely".

~4~ I am most comfortable in a monogamous relationship.

~7~ I enjoy feeling helpless or "out of control" sometimes".

~6~ I am attracted to members of my own gender.

~8~ I am uncomfortable if I don't know what my partner is thinking.

~1~ My family knows about my interest in D/s and they're all right with it.

~9~ My friends know about my interest in D/s and they're supportive of my choices.

~n/a~ If my neighbor found out about my interest in D/s, it wouldn't bother them in the least.

~n/a~ My therapist is comfortable discussing my interest in D/s and seems to know something about BDSM.

Work

Exercise: Describe your current job or source of income, how D/s affects this, what employers or co-workers would think, and if you quit where would you stand financially?

Master, please explain how you would like me to answer this.

Health

Activity: Ask your doctor for a copy of your files. Schedule a physical if it's been more than 3 years.

Activity: Make a list of medications you are taking, including regular OTC.

• Tri-Nessa Birth control pills 1x daily, Rx expires May 2013
• OTC Cetrizine/Zyrtec allergy pills, 1x daily
• OTC Chlortrimeton allergy pills, as needed

Exercise: Answer the following in honest detail.

1. Do you have any allergies? Pollen/wheat, both cause hay fever type symptoms.
2. Do you have any dietary restrictions? Are you vegetarian or vegan? I have to watch my consumption of meats as too much causes stomach pains, but I am not vegan or vegetarian.
3. Do you have any chronic illnesses or injuries that trouble you? What sort of treatment do you use? Herniated disc at L4-5 in my lower back causes pain and sciatica. I treat it with rest as needed, hot soaks as often as possible, and massage when possible.
4. Do you wear glasses or contact lens? Do you have a hearing aid? I do wear glasses daily.
5. Do you use drugs (including alcohol and tobacco) recreationally? What and how often? I do not use recreational drugs or tobacco, I do drink socially, usually on weekends.
6. Are you currently struggling with an addiction? No.
7. Are you aware of any body image issues that bother you? I am extremely overweight and my boxy sags everywhere.
8. Are you clean and/or sober? for how long? N/A
9. Are you in recovery from an addiction other than sex or drugs? For how long? No.
10. Did you suffer any (physical, verbal, psychological, sexual, spiritual...) as a child? All of the above. My mother was an alcoholic who abused me verbally, psychologically & physically. My father was a controlling pedophile who abused me sexually, verbally & psychologically.
11. Have you suffered such abuse as an adult? Yes, my ex-husband abused me verbally, psychologically, physically, and sexually.
12. How have you learned to heal these wounds? By talking about it when it is bothering me and by facing my fears regarding them with you, before and after you became my Master.
13. If you have a history of abuse, can you identify any "triggers" (words, sounds, objects situations) that might cause you trauma now? The only thing that has surfaced recently is "flicking" me while being abrasive and ordering me around (Erin's).
14. Do you have any history of abusing others? If so, what steps have you taken to change this pattern? I believe that I have been towards you and the children with my yelling. I have hit Halie. I believe that the behavior modificatoins we are working on are the best steps I have taken towards changing this.

Abernathy Lesson 4 - Responsibilities of a slave in training

"One of the most important responsibilities of a slave is communication."

Exercise: Complete the following sentences (book prompts end at ...)

1. I imagine myself as a slave as being able to... follow orders without questioning, accept commands without balking, give myself completely to my master in anything he asks.
2. As a slave, I wouldn't be able to... argue, yell, "mouth off" or be disrespectful in any way.
3. The idea that those things would be forbidden makes me feel... like I would finally have succeeded as a person and slave.
4. Just once in my life I'd like, I'd like to... let go completely and not feel like I needed to be in control of anything.
5. I definitely would not want to... always have to have the correct answers.
6. In my sexiest private fantasy, I... am sexy. That's all. I fantasize about being sexy.
7. I have a secret fetish for... shoes, leather, whips, pain, blood/bleeding... is any of that a secret?
8. Being in collar would make me feel... special, loved, owned.
9. If I were forbidden to have an orgasm for a whole week I'd... let's face it. I'd be fine.
10. When I masturbate I think about... things that have turned me on the the past, occasionally thing I would like to try - like DP or scissoring.
11. I'd like to learn how to... be confident in myself, my looks, and my abilities.
12. Serving my Master in public would make me feel... approved of.
13. My most erotic memory is... the night we "fell back" into our M/s roles with no prompting.
14. I first learned about erotic slavehood when... I googled something like "Is it normal to feel like I want to lose control?" expecting something about mental health.
15. My favorite book is... I have 2. Intensity by Dean Koontz - about a young woman who thinks she is meek & mild and overcomes her adversary (a serial killer) and saves a young woman who is his captive. Insomnia by Stephen King is a modern telling about the 3 mythological fates and them cutting the thread of life when it is time and nothing can change it, and if it is bad things happen... to me it's like - you think you have control, but you don't.
16. My favorite movie is... Dracula 2000, I like the steamy "come hither" eroticism as well as the "Judas as the first vampire" story line.
17. In my free time, I most often... blog ;)
18. The thing I find most attractive about other people is... confidence!
19. My highest priority in life is... the success of my family no matter their endeavors.
20. Sometimes I doubt I'll ever be able to... release full control and become a proper slave.
21. I think most of my romantic involvements have been... complete and utter failures up until this point.
22. In the past, I was ashamed of... being a failure in my other 2 marriages.
23. I feel I have comes to terms with... the abandonment issues caused by those failures.
24. If there's one negative emotion I can't handle, it's... rejection or jealousy. Either of those make me feel like I have lost control of myself TO MYSELF. While I willingly give Otry) control to Master, losing control within myself kills me.
25. When a person raises their voice to me, I... automatically raise mine back as a defense mechanism. It's almost a fight or flight response.
26. The three things I associate with silence are... sleep, obedience, death.
27. If pressed, I'd identify myself as... an uncontrolled woman, wanting to be a proper slave, but still retain my identity.
28. The biggest influence on my erotic life has been... learning that I can have my quirks and fetishes and no matter how odd they seem, someone understands (You) and somewhere out there, someone is worse!
29. I'd describe my spiritual life as... an acceptance of a higher being that I will have to confront when the time comes to defend the choices I make now.
30. I believe strongly that... finding the person who loves and accepts you is a gift not to be wasted; meeting your soul mate is a once in a lifetime experience that cannot be expected, only hoped for, and when you meet him/her, never let go; this is a lifestyle that I want to be in because I need the control to become a better person, the person I really want to be.
31. I'd fight for my right to... retain my identity while I am molded into control.
32. I've only ever wanted to... be accepted and loved, not only for who I am but for who I want to be.