Speaking of songs that say it all...

Never Surrender

Do you know what it's like when
You're scared to see yourself?
Do you know what it's like when
You wish you were someone else
Who didn't need your help to get by?
Do you know what it's like
To wanna surrender?

[Chorus:]
I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better
I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now
And never surrender

Do you now what it's like when
You're not who you wanna be?
Do you know what it's like to
Be your own worst enemy
Who sees the things in me I can't hide?
Do you know what it's like
to wanna surrender?

[Chorus]

Make me feel better,
You make me feel better,
You make me feel better,
Put me back together.

[Chorus]

Put me back together,
Never surrender,
Make me feel better.
You make me feel better,
Stay with me here now,
And never surrender.

Abernathy Lesson 10 - Slave journal: the discipline of self-disclosure

Activity: Use a notebook to write every day thoughts.

This need not be about the training process, just write regularly for approximately 30 minutes.

Sir, can you suggest a time table? Daily? __x per week? etc.

Also, in order to make it readily available for full disclosure at anytime you need it, may I continue to post it on this blog under "my thoughts", rather than using a notebook?

Activity: Review the affirmations in Lesson 1.

Kneel, clear your mind, and visualize yourself saying this openly and honestly with your Master whom you trust implicitly. Imagine Him responding firmly but with deep devotion and care. Now repeat your affirmation, write in your journal, and repeat your affirmation quietly to yourself.

I have the unalienable right to consent the control I keep of my destiny and choose the right to live a life of service at your command.

Abernathy Lesson 9 - Obedience III: Self-discipline

Activity: continue to practice the meditation techniques in lesson 7.

10 minutes daily, and increase your exercise until you are doing so 20 minutes 2x per day.

I will start repeating today.

Exercise: Name 5 individuals (real, fictional, or celebrity) who embody the virtue of self-discipline to you. What can you learn from them?

Mrs. Booth - Kindness

Mr. Booth - Patience

Gramma - Moderation

"Bones" - Belief in one's ability

Stephen King - Perserverence

Abernathy Lesson 8 - Obedience II: Awareness of others

Exercise: Think of someone you have met in the last day or two.

Describe them, their appearance, what they are wearing, their mood, and their state of mind.

I've met no one new this recently. I will return when the situation arises.

Now think of someone you see daily that is not a close friend. Answer the same questions.

I have no "regular I see daily. I will return when the situation arises.

Activity: Next time you go out to eat, remember your server's name and use it.

Use it when asking for assistance or thanking them.

I will use this this weekend when/if it comes up. Otherwise it will be done ASAP.

Exercise: List 5 non-verbal clues regarding how you can tell when a person is:

Angry?

1. tight face
2. clenched fists
3. shuttered breathing
4. that "look" in the eye
5. aggressive walk

Depressed?

1. sad face
2. silence
3. oversleeping consistently
4. tears
5. sighs

Excited?

1. bright eyes
2. smile
3. "bouncy"
4. clapping
5. fast breathing

Activity: Go to a busy public place and close your eyes.

Using your other senses, locate the person closest to you. What can you say about them? How can you describe them. Open your eyes. How close were you?

I will use this this weekend when/if it comes up. Otherwise it will be done ASAP.

Abernathy Lesson 7 - Obedience I: 1st Steps towards Mindfulness

Exercise: With eyes closed name 3 things behind you, in front of you, and to the left & right.

b - table, coffee cup, fan

f - Bookshelf, Dogfood, Halie's room

l - couch cushion, Abernathy book, printer

r - laundry basket with folded clothes, coffee table, purse

Activity: Meditation to clear your mind.

As you breathe clear your minds of all thoughts. As they come back, focus on your breathing and put them away.

Activity: Set a clock for 11 minutes past the hour and focus on your posture.

Relax any tense muscles using the above technique. Repeat in 1 hour.

Activity: Play the card game "Memory" to develop observation skills.

Played online at http://www.gamesgames.com/game/Memory-Game-Fruits.html

Please be me...

Broken.

Some days are bad.

Other days are worse.

Today, I am just fine.

Scared.

A new side of me.

One I don't like.

Today, she stayed away.

Confused.

Why is this happening?

Why me?

Today, I didn't ask.

Hurt.

Little inconsequential things.

Big stupid hurt.

Today, I laughed.

Lonely.

Lost when we're apart.

Anxious when we're together.

Today, I relaxed.

Healing.

Slowly seeing the light.

Learning to live again.

Tomorrow, please be me.

Abernathy Lesson 6 - Expectations: The Training Contract

As our commitment grows, I found that we have surpassed the levels of a simple "training" contract, so I searched simple Slave Contracts. Simple...?? This one was copied from a Mistress to her male slave and edited to change only our safe words and to add swinging & children.

♥ sweet

********** ********** ********** **********

The Slave Contract

AF, slave, furthermore known as “sweet” or “slave”, previously in possession of her own person, agrees and states that she wishes and intends to deliver himself entirely into the hands of GF, furthermore known as her Master.

Master agrees and states that he wishes and intends to take possession of slave for an indefinite amount of time.

By signing the Slavery Contract, it is agreed that:

1. The slave gives up all rights to her own person in every manner, giving Him: herself, her life, her future, her heart, and her mind; and that
2. Master takes entire possession of slave as His property, claiming her for Himself, His life, His future, within His heart and His mind.

1.0.0 Slave's Role

1. Slave agrees to obey and submit completely to Master in all ways. There are no boundaries of place, time, or situation in which the slave may willfully refuse to obey the directive of Master, except in situations where the slave's veto (section 2.0.1) applies.
2. Slave also agrees that, once entered into the Slavery Contract, her body belongs to Master, to be used as seen fit.
3. All of slave's possessions likewise belong to Master, including all assets, finances, and material goods, to do with as he sees fit.
4. Slave agrees to please Master to the best of her ability, in that she now exists solely for the pleasure of Master.
5. Slave understands that all that she has, and all that she does, shall now move from right to privilege, granted only as Master wishes, and only to the extent that Master finds useful.

2.0.0 Safe words

1. If slave feels that a situation is approaching a boundary unforeseen, slave may utter safe words to signify the following:
• GREEN: slave wishes Master to proceed OR slave "approves" the situation.
• YELLOW: slave needs the current activity to slow down momentarily OR slave feels "guarded" about the situation
• RED: slave needs the current situation to “freeze” at the current level OR slave feels "very cautious" about the situation.
2. Master accepts the responsibility of assessing situations when slave calls the safe word and will, to the best of his ability, make judgment on whether to modify the activity or stop activity entirely, unless “ DERF ” is called as a stop all (section 2.0.1).
3. Master agrees to take the given code into consideration and discuss the code with the slave in situations where he does not agree, such as LS situations.
4. Slave agrees to hold no ill will due to Master's decision. Master agrees not to punish slave for the use of a safe word.

2.0.1 Slave's Veto

1. Slave, where appropriate, holds veto power over any command given by Master, at which time she may rightfully refuse to obey that command.
2. This shall be signified by the safe word “DERF" and shall be used as a “stop all”.
3. Utterance of the safe word, “ DERF ", necessitates immediate termination of activity. It is considered a veto, and is grounds for termination of the Slavery Contract.
4. This is not to be used as a "get out of jail free" card to side step punishment or commands. It is for moments of "extreme duress" or "caution".

3.0.0 Slave's Behavior: General

1. Slave will strive diligently to remold slave's body, appearance, habits, and attitudes in accordance with Master's desires and agrees to change the slave's actions, speech, and dress to express the ownership.
2. Slave will always speak of her Master in terms of love and respect, and address Him appropriately (i.e. "Master", "Sir”, etc.) when so directed.
3. Slave will seek to learn how to please Master better, and will gracefully accept any criticism in whatever form Master chooses.
4. Slave renounces all rights to privacy or concealment from Master. This includes but is not limited to photography and video photography of slave, in any situation, to be used and displayed in any manner Master sees fit.
5. Slave agrees to confess all of slave's desires and fetishes for the Master's consideration.
6. Slave will answer truthfully and completely, to the best of the slave's knowledge, any and all questions Master may ask of slave.
7. Slave will volunteer any information her Master should know about her physical or emotional condition.
8. Slave shall be responsible for maintaining the cleanliness and availability of all toys. None shall be used without the express permission of Master, unless agreed to beforehand.
9. When in a domestic environment, slave is responsible for maintenance and completion of all household chores, including delegation of chores to the children, and excepting taking out the trash or heavy lifting. Assistance must be asked for respectfully for any other domestic chore.

3.0.1 Slave's Behavior: Opinions (added by sweet)

1. The slave is allowed to voice opinions and make decisions in the matters of child rearing and swinging, without having to use the veto. ( #subjecttochange )
2. The slave is allowed to voice opinions during discussions, specifically when her Master asks, and otherwise if respectfully requested by her. "May I say something on the matter, Sir?" is a good preface to such actions.
3. Both parties agree that all of the above must always be done in private unless the situation must be resolved immediately, in a respectful manner, and with an open mind.
4. Slave understands that a failure to maintain respect will be met with punishment as her Master sees fit.

3.0.2 Slave's Dress/Body/Appearance

1. When so ordered, slave shall diligently maintain and adorn slave's body parts in such manner as will ensure that they are fully open and available to Master.
2. When so ordered, slave's body parts shall be able to be displayed by slave in public or private, to others or to Master.
3. When so ordered, slave shall dress in attire Master sees fit for the situation at hand.
4. Slave shall never close her legs in Master's presence.
5. Slave shall keep slave's body parts clean-shaven at the direction of the Master.
6. Slave shall keep slave's hair cut, styled, and colored as directed by Master.
7. Slave shall keep slave's finger and toenails maintained as directed by Master.
8. Master has the right to tattoo or have tattooed, pierce or have pierced, or brand or have branded slave's body.
9. Slave will wear, at all times, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, a token of her possession, given to her by Master.
10. When so ordered, slave shall be required to wear a butt plug until excused by Master.

4.0.0 Master's Role

1. Master accepts the responsibility of slave's body and worldly possessions, to do with as Master sees fit.
2. Master agrees to love, care for, protect, and cherish slave, and to arrange for the safety and well being of slave.
3. Master also accepts the commitment to train the slave, punish the slave, love the slave, and use the slave as Master sees fit.

5.0.0 Punishment

1. Slave agrees to accept any punishment Master decides to inflict, whether earned or not.
2. Slave agrees that severe punishment may be assessed for any infraction of the letter or spirit of this Slavery Contract, and will accept the correction gratefully.
3. The form and extent of the punishment shall be at the Master's pleasure.
4. Master may punish her without reason to please Himself.
5. Slave retains the right to cry, scream, or beg, but accepts the fact that these heartfelt expressions will not affect her treatment.
6. Further, she accepts that if her Master tires of her noise, Master may gag her or take other actions to silence her.

6.0.0 Other People

1. Slave may not seek any other Master or lover, or relate to others in any sexual or submissive way, either in "real time", “swinging", "virtual", nor "cyber" time, without Master's permission. To do so will be considered a breach of Slavery Contract, and will result in extreme punishment or Slavery Contract termination.
2. Master may accept other slaves or lovers, but must consider slave's emotional response to such actions.
3. Slave agrees that her Master possesses the right to determine whether others can use her body and to what use they may put it. Master will discuss all such instances in advance with slave.
4. Slave has no say in the choice of these other partners, with the exception that play with others must be "safe."

7.0.0 Alteration of Slavery Contract

This Slavery Contract may not be altered, except when both Master and slave agree. If the Slavery Contract is altered, the new Slavery Contract shall be printed and signed, and then the old Slavery Contract must be destroyed.

7.0.1 Termination of Slavery Contract

1. This Slavery Contract may be terminated at any time by Master, but never by slave.
2. Upon termination, all materials and belongings shall belong to Master, to be shared or kept as Master sees fit.
3. Slave, owning nothing and having agreed to give up all worldly possessions and body to Master, shall once again own her body, but nothing else.

8.0.0 Slave's Signature

I have read and fully understand this Slavery Contract in its entirety.

I agree to give everything I own to my Master, and further accept His claim of ownership over my physical body, heart, soul, and mind.

I understand that I will be commanded and trained and punished as a slave, and I promise to be true and to fulfill the pleasures and desires of my Master, and serve Him to the best of my abilities.

I understand that I cannot withdraw from this Slavery Contract.

Electronic Signature: AMF/sweet, slave

Date: August 14th, 2012

8.0.1 Master's Signature

I have read and fully understand this Slavery Contract in its entirety.

I agree to accept this slave as my property, body and possessions, and to care for her to the best of my ability.

I shall provide for her security and well-being and command her, train her, and punish her as a slave.

I understand the responsibility implicit in this arrangement, and agree that no harm shall come to slave as long as she is mine.

I further understand that I can withdraw from this Slavery Contract at any time.

Electronic Signature: ______________, Master

Date: ________________

Broken

I'm not sure what is causing this but I feel broken.

My head is just not right. I am all together sad, depressed, lonely, and afraid.... even when wrapped in his arms, or even surrounded by friends. When he leaves me, I cry. As in bawl. As in friggin ridiculous my word just ended sobbing. He has work. He has friends. He has things he likes to do that don't involve me. Up until just recently it never bothered me.. at all. I loved it when he'd get up early to go skating on the weekend & leave me in bed till the kids woke me... this time I had a melt down. He walked out that door and I had this crushing searing pain in my chest that he wasn't coming back.

Totally irrational (see I know what parts make NO SENSE!), yet I have this overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. I'm scared that what I am, what I have, what I can offer is not enough to keep him satisfied... I'm not talking just sexually, but overall. Unless we're arguing we can't carry on a conversation more than 2 minutes. I get asked why I always have to argue... maybe that's why? Maybe I'm seeking attention the only way I think is possible? That teen mentality of "even bad attention is better than no attention"?

I'm not sure how to attract his attention otherwise, at least not attract it and keep it. We've talked, and now I know that his ADD is kicking in overdrive and he needs constant high stimulation (ie talk, text, game, and a movie), but I can't help feel that there should still be something I can do to raise his interest level in what I do, say, or am. I feel like I should be enough, and if I am not I have failed somehow as a wife and as a woman.

This all came to a head last night. I felt ignored and rejected even with him sitting next to me, watching a movie and chatting with me. A text message I thought had ended well before dinner was ongoing and it set me off. I know he is not going anywhere. I know he loves me, I know he is mine. Yet constant long term chatting felt like the equivalent on online dating to me. A little harmless flirting or chatting I find cute and fun. Constant chat to "get to know someone better" for the sake of making play sessions more fun & enjoyable I find on par with what a couple does when they start dating... except when we were dating there was no "how to you like it" discussion? We weren't planning on being permanent, so we just fucked. That's all I feel they should be afforded as well. But at the same time, I trust him, and I shouldn't care. In my heart I know this, but my brain is going &%$#^&*+&@^!!!! My brain needs to stop giving me unnecessary feedback.

I am NOT a jealous person, so why do I feel this way? All we can determine is that the BCP are reaping havoc on my hormones. The thing is I don't know how to stop it. I can't stop birth control. I have reached a point in my life that I am officially done having babies. The thought of an "oops" pregnancy last month wasn't even exciting...it was damned near terrifying! I no longer "qualify" for an IUD because of the tubal pregnancy I had. I can't use condoms consistently with him. I can with anyone else, but with him they kill me. (???wtf???) Right now my only feasible option is the pill... but at what cost? If it is causing me this much grief & anguish... pushing him away when yet all I want is him close to me... Neither of us (nor the kids) deserve the emotional roller coaster... but we have no other options.

From research I did this morning, (I found this article) it's apparent that mental health effects have been a factor with birth control since they came out in 1960. 52 years and they can't fix that yet? From what I see progestin (one of the 2 synthetic hormones in BCP) causes a lowering of serotonin because it feeds a brain secretion that naturally lowers serotonin. Serotonin deficiency is what the base doctors determined was causing my migraines and anxiety attacks around the time we met... and I wasn't on hormonal birth control then.

The warnings on the birth control pack have a warning that say discuss any of the following with your doctor immediately... blah blah blah... mental/mood swings. But where do I go? Who do I talk to? The student clinic can only do so much, and I don't have a doctor.

I am hoping that it was just the "loading" of the pills past my normal period that are causing it. I am on day 3 of skipping the empty placebos now - expecting AF Tues-Wed. and I'm that having a bleed will flush my system and things will get back on track.

If it doesn't I don't know what to do. I cant live like this. I can't keep feeling like this. I can't continue to hurt like this, where inconsequential nothings rip my heart out. I. Just. Can't. Co. It.

♥ sweet

Abernathy Lesson 5 - Assessing Risk

Relationships

Exercise: Rate the following responses 1-10 where 1 is "never" or "absolutely not" and 10 is "always" or "most definitely".

~4~ I am most comfortable in a monogamous relationship.

~7~ I enjoy feeling helpless or "out of control" sometimes".

~6~ I am attracted to members of my own gender.

~8~ I am uncomfortable if I don't know what my partner is thinking.

~1~ My family knows about my interest in D/s and they're all right with it.

~9~ My friends know about my interest in D/s and they're supportive of my choices.

~n/a~ If my neighbor found out about my interest in D/s, it wouldn't bother them in the least.

~n/a~ My therapist is comfortable discussing my interest in D/s and seems to know something about BDSM.

Work

Exercise: Describe your current job or source of income, how D/s affects this, what employers or co-workers would think, and if you quit where would you stand financially?

Master, please explain how you would like me to answer this.

Health

Activity: Ask your doctor for a copy of your files. Schedule a physical if it's been more than 3 years.

Activity: Make a list of medications you are taking, including regular OTC.

• Tri-Nessa Birth control pills 1x daily, Rx expires May 2013
• OTC Cetrizine/Zyrtec allergy pills, 1x daily
• OTC Chlortrimeton allergy pills, as needed

Exercise: Answer the following in honest detail.

1. Do you have any allergies? Pollen/wheat, both cause hay fever type symptoms.
2. Do you have any dietary restrictions? Are you vegetarian or vegan? I have to watch my consumption of meats as too much causes stomach pains, but I am not vegan or vegetarian.
3. Do you have any chronic illnesses or injuries that trouble you? What sort of treatment do you use? Herniated disc at L4-5 in my lower back causes pain and sciatica. I treat it with rest as needed, hot soaks as often as possible, and massage when possible.
4. Do you wear glasses or contact lens? Do you have a hearing aid? I do wear glasses daily.
5. Do you use drugs (including alcohol and tobacco) recreationally? What and how often? I do not use recreational drugs or tobacco, I do drink socially, usually on weekends.
6. Are you currently struggling with an addiction? No.
7. Are you aware of any body image issues that bother you? I am extremely overweight and my boxy sags everywhere.
8. Are you clean and/or sober? for how long? N/A
9. Are you in recovery from an addiction other than sex or drugs? For how long? No.
10. Did you suffer any (physical, verbal, psychological, sexual, spiritual...) as a child? All of the above. My mother was an alcoholic who abused me verbally, psychologically & physically. My father was a controlling pedophile who abused me sexually, verbally & psychologically.
11. Have you suffered such abuse as an adult? Yes, my ex-husband abused me verbally, psychologically, physically, and sexually.
12. How have you learned to heal these wounds? By talking about it when it is bothering me and by facing my fears regarding them with you, before and after you became my Master.
13. If you have a history of abuse, can you identify any "triggers" (words, sounds, objects situations) that might cause you trauma now? The only thing that has surfaced recently is "flicking" me while being abrasive and ordering me around (Erin's).
14. Do you have any history of abusing others? If so, what steps have you taken to change this pattern? I believe that I have been towards you and the children with my yelling. I have hit Halie. I believe that the behavior modificatoins we are working on are the best steps I have taken towards changing this.

Abernathy Lesson 4 - Responsibilities of a slave in training

"One of the most important responsibilities of a slave is communication."

Exercise: Complete the following sentences (book prompts end at ...)

1. I imagine myself as a slave as being able to... follow orders without questioning, accept commands without balking, give myself completely to my master in anything he asks.
2. As a slave, I wouldn't be able to... argue, yell, "mouth off" or be disrespectful in any way.
3. The idea that those things would be forbidden makes me feel... like I would finally have succeeded as a person and slave.
4. Just once in my life I'd like, I'd like to... let go completely and not feel like I needed to be in control of anything.
5. I definitely would not want to... always have to have the correct answers.
6. In my sexiest private fantasy, I... am sexy. That's all. I fantasize about being sexy.
7. I have a secret fetish for... shoes, leather, whips, pain, blood/bleeding... is any of that a secret?
8. Being in collar would make me feel... special, loved, owned.
9. If I were forbidden to have an orgasm for a whole week I'd... let's face it. I'd be fine.
10. When I masturbate I think about... things that have turned me on the the past, occasionally thing I would like to try - like DP or scissoring.
11. I'd like to learn how to... be confident in myself, my looks, and my abilities.
12. Serving my Master in public would make me feel... approved of.
13. My most erotic memory is... the night we "fell back" into our M/s roles with no prompting.
14. I first learned about erotic slavehood when... I googled something like "Is it normal to feel like I want to lose control?" expecting something about mental health.
15. My favorite book is... I have 2. Intensity by Dean Koontz - about a young woman who thinks she is meek & mild and overcomes her adversary (a serial killer) and saves a young woman who is his captive. Insomnia by Stephen King is a modern telling about the 3 mythological fates and them cutting the thread of life when it is time and nothing can change it, and if it is bad things happen... to me it's like - you think you have control, but you don't.
16. My favorite movie is... Dracula 2000, I like the steamy "come hither" eroticism as well as the "Judas as the first vampire" story line.
17. In my free time, I most often... blog ;)
18. The thing I find most attractive about other people is... confidence!
19. My highest priority in life is... the success of my family no matter their endeavors.
20. Sometimes I doubt I'll ever be able to... release full control and become a proper slave.
21. I think most of my romantic involvements have been... complete and utter failures up until this point.
22. In the past, I was ashamed of... being a failure in my other 2 marriages.
23. I feel I have comes to terms with... the abandonment issues caused by those failures.
24. If there's one negative emotion I can't handle, it's... rejection or jealousy. Either of those make me feel like I have lost control of myself TO MYSELF. While I willingly give Otry) control to Master, losing control within myself kills me.
25. When a person raises their voice to me, I... automatically raise mine back as a defense mechanism. It's almost a fight or flight response.
26. The three things I associate with silence are... sleep, obedience, death.
27. If pressed, I'd identify myself as... an uncontrolled woman, wanting to be a proper slave, but still retain my identity.
28. The biggest influence on my erotic life has been... learning that I can have my quirks and fetishes and no matter how odd they seem, someone understands (You) and somewhere out there, someone is worse!
29. I'd describe my spiritual life as... an acceptance of a higher being that I will have to confront when the time comes to defend the choices I make now.
30. I believe strongly that... finding the person who loves and accepts you is a gift not to be wasted; meeting your soul mate is a once in a lifetime experience that cannot be expected, only hoped for, and when you meet him/her, never let go; this is a lifestyle that I want to be in because I need the control to become a better person, the person I really want to be.
31. I'd fight for my right to... retain my identity while I am molded into control.
32. I've only ever wanted to... be accepted and loved, not only for who I am but for who I want to be.

What does Anne want from the BDSM lifestyle? Part 3 - Public/Private

Part 3 - Public/Private

As our private BDSM life becomes more public with our friends I find myself being more open to the standards if you are inclined... walking behind you, asking your permissions in public, not looking in the eye without being told. Not that we do that but, IF you were so inclined.

I am fine with you chatting with friends about some things, but I did find myself embarrassed as hell and hurt when you told John I got put in time out.

I want to repair my choker into a cuff that I can wear daily in public (it's cumbersome and twists and hurts me the way it is now), however I don't feel I need this to remind me that I am yours to command.

I know I created this category, so I am not sure how to elaborate. Please ask more directly if I haven't covered enough.

What does Anne want from the BDSM lifestyle? Part 2 - Behavioral

Part 2 - Behavioral/Personal

Training. Training. Training.

I suck at this part. I know. In this I visualize a Master/slave relationship. I have committed to following your lead long term.

I think I said this all last night when I said that I want to be the person you fell in love with again. I want to not fight, bicker, bitch, and yell. I know we have responsibilities as adults that we have to deal with, but aside from that I want to be carefree. I want to be the happy person you fell in love with.

I know that the fighting and arguing is wrong. I know that the yelling is wrong. I hate yelling at you, and my children. I want them to remember more than that when we're apart, when they grow up and I grow gray, and eventually leave them.

I want you to help me modify this behavior. this thing is that you do such a perfect job of trying to keep me in line. And I don't follow through. I am almost at a loss here.In a perfect M/s role I wouldn't bitch, moan, yell, or complain. I wouldn't question you. I would do what you said, when you said it, and if I didn't there would be no "try to get it right" I'd just get knocked on my ass.

I don't want that (Yes, I like pain, but not punishment - more soon), so all I can think of is trying a 3 step protocol.

Scenario: I fuck up. (words, actions, etc)

Step 1: The Look. (You may have to do.. something to make sure you have my attention??)

Step 2: A firm "Sweet... calm down." (This can work in front of the kids)

Step 3: "To the Room"

I can't elaborate much more on behavior. I want to stop the destructive behavior. That is all.

But please stop assuming because I am acting one way that I mean what I did last time I acted that way. I'm human.. and a female one at that. Frustration does not me "he needs a lesson".. it means "I don't know how to express myself." You compare it to a "baby fit". Babies have fits because they don't how else to express themselves. I need to learn how to express myself with words rather than actions.

I do want to be able to have an opinion about how to express myself. I want to be able to disagree with you if I feel strongly about something. I want to be able to tell you when I think you a wrongly interpret my words or actions.

I need to learn how to do so with respect, but I would like to be heard out with a mind open to understanding my point as well as your own.

Punishment

I guess this is as good of a place as any to put this. You have said to others, "She likes pain so spanking doesn't help." Actually it does. Spanking as play in the bedroom, getting hurt, coddled, and fucked is fun. Getting spanked as punishment, reprimanded, and ignored is not.

Last night for instance, when I angered you to the point of rolling me over and spanking me... when you put me in the corner last week... That wasn't fun, I didn't like it, and I knew you were upset.

In my mind there is a firm divider between spanking for fun and spanking for punishment. The physical outcome to my body may be the same, but the mental outcome is not.

I will admit a few things that I hope make sense.

Though I did not enjoy it, I liked you taking control of my actions by slapping me at J&E's. Again, I didn't like the action, and did not label it as good pain, but as a sub I felt, "he's getting it."

When you spank me for punishment and fuck me long & hard afterwards, I do associate that with good. Were you to spank me, fuck me rough and short to get your pleasure quickly then "ignore" me, I would associate that with punishment. Getting your pleasure with no concern for mine (no touching, grabbing, lube, lead up) = punishment. Getting your pleasure by fucking me to the edge = not punishment... because I still enjoy that sexual act because my body is used to not coming.

Orgasm denial would probably not work as a punishment for me, for obvious reasons.

What does Anne want from the BDSM lifestyle? Part 1 - In the Bedroom

Part 1 - In the Bedroom

In the bedroom I prefer to be a bottom, though at your request I would occasionally top for your pleasure only.

I want to to please you in all things in this area. I know that we have an open relationship, but did we not, I would want to answer to all your carnal needs and desires. I want to be able to answer to any of your needs immediately in the bedroom.

If this meant learning to stretch my body to it's limits to bend, twist, stretch into different positions to please you, I will. If this means sucking your cock, swallowing your cum, and getting no pleasure, touch, or release of my own body, I am willing. If this means training to have anal often, I would.

I want to learn to enjoy abstaining because it is your wish. I want to learn to cum because you say so, not because my body is finally listening. I want my body to quicken, eager for your entrance, just because you say you want inside me.

I want more impact play with good pain but I want to test my limits with bad pain as well. I like the harshness of play, pain, crying... even bleeding for you. It demands that I have no control, that I am yours in everything... but I want to want this from you in the bedroom, not fear it. Not all the time of course, but regularly. I also feel that these types of scenes work best when not planned, so with training hopefully I can fall into a pattern of submission to what you want, when you want it.

And I know that it is something you enjoy physically and mentally. I have gotten punishment spankings and turned around to your hard cock in my face. It is enjoyable to both of us, I'd like to use it.

This is something I want to be ready for 24/7 without thought or provocation. I do believe that most of these things will only come with lots of training and lots of patience from us both. By the glossary, this would be service-oriented submission.

And of course the pain aspects come with a general assumption of aftercare.

I do no want to ask to be taken. I am willing to "come on" to you occasionally since you like it, but I do not want to have to tell you or ask for sex, pain, or aftercare. I know you have a hard schedule and I know that it is hard to get to bed early enough for a long "scene" but I would prefer more frequency than when we have time on the weekend.

♥ sweet

Limits list July 2012

Master asked me to redo my limits list as a lot has changed and I have begun to allow him to take control of me in ways I never dreamed.

I found a more detailed list to use, due to the change in play, and I tried to give more than yes, no answers.

A MS Excel file can be DLed by clicking here, Sir.

Awaiting Your leisure to discuss,

♥ sweet

Abernathy Lesson 3 - Assessing Strengths & Weaknesses

Exercise: List 5 things for each of the following categories:

Activity: In the next week choose one item from the second list - things you'd like to learn - and research how you might begin to learn it.

Project Date: June 25, 2012

Start by date: August 1, 2012

Document progress below

Choice Made: how to paint my nails (starting easy)

How To #1: slow down, have patience, do not rush.

Abernathy Lesson 2 - What kind of slave am I?

Exercise: Imagine you are a live-in slave, serving your ideal dominant. What would you like to be like? Choose the answer that fits your dream. (pgs 82-87)

I choose 2 answers for a few because either would be equally ideal for me. Tallying them up, I get: A's (2), B's (4), C's (3), D's (6)

In order of scoring this is: D.) escort, B.) sex slave, C.) housekeeper/cook, and A.) body servant/valet.

A high number of D's suggests that I would like to be an "escort" style slave... essentially on Your arm all the time. The scale suggests I have an attractive personality and excellent communication skills. Also that I enjoy meeting new people and serving in public - though discreetly. The equality of the remainder suggests that: A's) enjoy the more formal roles at home and/or in private, B's) I would do well at public BDSM functions in service to you, & C's) would be a good personal secretary to You.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I currently feel more C) housekeeper with B) sex slave mixed in. As a mother and wife this is expected. I would like to work on rounding this out more, please, Sir. You do Your part exercising your role discreetly in public, I need to do the same.

Suggestions?

♥, Your sweet

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From 1/1/09

In this lesson i learned that i am suited for a housekeeping servant, with sexual and personal escort tendencies. (but we already knew that)

When one thinks of servitude in this lifestyle, sex is the assumption. Domestic servitude is about caring for Master and meeting His every need, be that His need for clean jeans, a hot meal, a cold drink, sweaty sex, or a quickie with His favorite personal secretary perched across His lap.

Serving is about giviong yourself freel to all His needs.

Abernathy Lesson 1 - What is a Slave?

Exercise. Write twenty words, phrases, images, or associations that come to mind when you hear the word "slave." Try to take no longer than two minutes.

**transferred from notebook**
List:

love, control, sex, pain, comfort, care, commands, orders, demands, punishment, fears, passion, need, gift, collar, cuff, whip, relinquishment, offerings, forever

Activity: Write an affirmation of your right to consent. Place it where you will see it several times daily.

I have the unalienable right to consent the control I keep of my destiny and choose the right to live a life of service at your command.

Public view/to post visibly: Right. Consent. Service

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List from 1/1/09 (to note possible changes in thought?)

HIS, love, giving, taken, owned, collar, pain, spanking, sex, caring, safe, derf, hold, surrender, handciffs, bound, wonderful, teachings, lessons, written, talk to Master truthfully, freedom, openness, ready, willing, submissive

my affirmations from 1/1/09:
I have the right to give myself freely.
I choose to give the gift of my service to better myself and others.
I accept the gift of servitude as an acceptance of myself.
I control my destiny.
I choose that destiny to include the teachings of my Master.

At a loss

I'm at a loss as t owhy I continue to fight with Master about everything.

I want this life. I am his to control for always.

So why don't I let him? /sigh

THIS is the thing I must control and only this:

RELINQUISH CONTROL TO HIM!

And my mouth... I must learn to control my God forsaken bratty ass mouth!

I really feel like a failure lately. For some reason giging up contril makes me anxious, and I don;t know why.

♥ sweet

Goal # 1 set by Master

Be better prepered for anal sex by learning to wear my buttplug under my clothes within 72 hours of being told.

He's giving me 72 hours notice because the act has been bothering me, painfully bothering me.

My time is up Saturday night. I'm going to try to be ready Friday, not necessarily to get it over, but to succeed at his goal faster.

This weekend being back in collar and in your service was amazing and it was all I could do a few times not to cry in joy. We both admitted this weekend that we've gotten away from it and need to reclaim it.

I fiddled around until I determined my password and got back into these old journals, including my sweet submissions and sweet's lessons.

As your loving slave, I respectfully request to be given goals again, and accept whatever rewards or punishments you will give in my completion or failure of them. I know where Mistress Abernathy's book is, but I believe in the years we have been M/s we have grown together and you probably no longer need her help.

I have added you as a author of this blog and I will check this blog as directed to see any goals you may have posted. Goals I will post here... lessons I will post in the lesson blog - unless you prefer I combine them for your ease.

All my love forever,

Your sweet