Journaling Prompt>> Identity

lunaKM 04:56:54 pm on July 2, 2012 | 7 | # |
Tags: emotions, identity, names, slave names, slavery

Have you ever been given a ’slave name’ or had your name changed by someone else? What emotional effect did it have on you, if any? Does your sense of self/identity tie in strongly with your name?

Master calls me "sweet". When dating, and even now, his "pet name" for me is "sweet pea".

When in scene, when he needs my attention, or when I am stepping out of line, he simply calls me "sweet". This reminds me that I need to be 100% attentive to my behavior, and what he is saying, or doing.

Emotionally I love both forms of the name, and both have different sweet spots in my heart. Knowing that no matter who I am or what I do, I am the sweetness in his life, feels me with awe, love, and wonder.

I identify more with "sweet" than I do with Anne or sweet pea, the term of endearment is not quite as common place as my given name, but being called "sweet" reminds me of this life we have chosen together and reminds me of how he has changed to offer me the discipline and security that I need.

Journaling Prompt>> Self

lunaKM 5:47 PM on August 16, 2012
Tags: identity, sense of self, slavery

In the beginning, did you ever wonder if you would lose your sense of self somehow in your slavery? Has that proven to be the case? Is that still a question for you?

This has always been a question/fear of mine. I have found recently that remaining in touch with my feelings and being unashamed to bring them to Master's attention helps me retain my feelings of self.

Aside from slavery, where I am giving him my all. I've recently found domestic discipline, and the mindset fits into my "role" as a slave. I am not just his sex kitten, I am is wife and the mother of his children. It behooves me as this woman to maintain self discipline and meet his expectations in the home, of my self, and of my behavior and respectfulness.

Where as a slave I sometimes feel helpless, as a wife in DD I am reminded that I control my discipline by simply meeting his expectations, and not "getting in trouble". No bad = no punishment spankings. Punishment spankings hurt. Even if I can take "more" as a slave receiving training, knowing that I have disappointed him enough to require discipline punishments provokes a deeper pain.

I'm slightly off track... I am no longer concerned with losing my "self". I feel that we are learning the abilities and techniques to not change me but to mold me to a better me while keeping my interior intact.

♥ sweet

Journaling Prompt>> Rituals

lunaKM 12:56 PM on August 6, 2012

Tags: centering, meanings, rituals

Do you have rituals? Such as waking, cleaning, beauty, exercise, dressing? Do they have meaning or are they just something that you do? Do you have a centering ritual?

We do have a few rituals, but mostly we are working on having these things come natural.

Ritualistically I can request training or a scene by kneeling, hands on thighs, palm up, and stating "i surrender". He can order the same by taking my left wrist and stating "surrender". This stems from a time when we were not in a 24/7 TPE and we wanted a way to respectfully remind each other of our needs & desires. This is a sign of my total surrender to his desires, and I did not understand how deeply it moved me until reading "Fifty Shades of Grey". There is a scene where Christian believes that Ana is leaving him and he falls to his knees in total surrender to her. I was gasping, speechless, and in tears for him, because I know what it is like to offer your all to someone. This is something that Master has unknowingly taught me that I am grateful for.

I am required to wake up at a certain time on weekdays and sleep a minimum of 8 hours. This generally means going to SLEEP no later than 1:30, putting me in bed at 12:30. Lately however our little princess is waking me up before dawn, so to complete this task I'd have to go to bed at 9:30. Occasionally we do, but 9:30-10:30 is usually "our time" on weekdays. Play, making love, scenes, or just spending time together (ie rebounding on Words with Friends FTW!).

I am also trying to work out a non-painful walking/workout schedule to at the very least feel healthier if not look better. Once we determine what my body can handle I am sure Master will make a requirement of it at least 3-4 days a week.

Cleansing, dress, and other bodily functions are left to my control, but I am required to take care of myself. The only caveat is that if he requires something of me, like making sure I shave for something he has planned, or wear a butt plug for preparation of the evening, I am required to do so.

I am recently learning centering via meditation through Mistress Abernathy's Erotic Slavehood lessons. I am not so good at it. My mind wanders easily with children and cats making a ruckus in the house. I need to remember to ask MAster other techniques than the one described in her book.

Journal Prompt>> Week of February 5

Do you enjoy rituals in your relationships? What is your favorite?

We do have a few rituals.

• A formalized greeting when he returns home
• A symbolic gesture of my submission to formally ask for scene play
• A bondage collar for scening

I serve him daily and completely. We have a IE/TPE relationship. We are looking for the perfect collar for daily use to "seal-the-deal" formally.

My favorite is the symbolic gesture of submission. It shows him that I ask for and want his dominance and training, while giving me another chance to offer myself to him. It's not necessary, as he has it without resistance.. but it's.. nice.

Sensual Service>> Journal Prompts - Archive

From the week of November 17, that I missed. A prompt caught my eye, and I wanted to write about it.

Does your Owner stand on courtesy? Do they use please and thank you with requests from you? How does it make you feel? Do you not take it as an order if it has please after it?

My Master does make a firm stand on courtesy.

He uses "please" and "thank you" almost always, unless we are deep in scene. This is not at all necessary, of course, as I serve him no matter the politeness, but it does make me feel proud (a bad trait for a slave?) to have an Owner who respects me enough to say thank you for tasks that I am bound by spoken and written (though expired) contract to do.

I do take it as an order even if he has said "please". I do admit to letting myself slide and not jumping up immediately if he does so, and usually in these cases I get a slightly firmer request and no "please".

However, we have discussed and both admit/agree that he could be more forceful with his requests in some instances. Ritual/daily tasks, like cooking/serving his dinner he always thanks me for, as he is grateful not to have to cook for himself, a task he freely admits he can't do. :) But when asking me to draw his bath, or ready his bed for the night, it could be done without the "please".

I have rarely though not heard "thank you", no matter the task. As he expects courtesy and respect for the things he does for me, he is the type of person who expects no less courtesy from himself. Perhaps it is ingrained from childhood, but is a standard he holds himself up to as a man. Master is a firm believer that his word means everything, whether a contract, promise, conversation, threat, or offer. He won't renege without a major sacrifice or something detrimental preventing him from fulfilling it. I believe this is why he uses the courtesy he does with my training.

The only time these words are completely missing is when I have failed utterly at something and require punishment, something I am striving to prevent as I learn more from him.

Response to quote

“Sometimes what seems like surrender isn’t surrender at all. It’s about what’s going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater.”- Nicholas Evans, The Horse Whisperer

Even though this movie and quote has nothing to do with the lifestyle, it says everything a slave can feel and (occasionally) admit to.

In our chosen way of doing things, we actually use the word surrender. It can be an offer of myself to him at anytime, or it can be a demand of my services from him. It is used and offered tenderly and has also become part of his 'pet' name for me. But this quote shows that it is more.

It is about heart. It is about our love for each other. It is about what we offer each other. Not just as a slave to my master, but what my Master offers me. It IS about clearly seeing and accepting what this choice means to us (as husband and wife ), accepting what it means in our life (as a couple and parents), and (as I am learning) commiting to it on a daily basis, "whatever the pain". The pain of failing, not commiting, displeasing Master, is indeed a FAR greater hurt.

I slide a lot, and I have the great comfort of having a forgiving Master, but he is NOT a forgetful Master. I pay dearly for all my transgressions, in flesh and/or tears, chores, duties, and (worse of all) in Master's dissatisfaction of me. Flesh pain can be dealt with, and always heals, butthe inner anguish of knowing I have displeased him lasts much longer.

I surrender myself to him in trust and love. He accepts my surrender with his love and protection. Those are the things that make being his slave a lifetime choice, not a passing fancy.

Do you like yourself? Do you accept yourself? Do you love yourself?

On most days that is a simple answer: NO!

But since Master is getting just about fed up with me being negative, I'll elaborate and maybe that will help lead me towards a solution.

Some things are starting to gradually change. My biggest issue is my weight. A combinantion of my lack of caring and medical problems led me to an unlealthy weight. I am gradually losing it on my own, and that alone is helping with my self "dislike" issues.

Because of the weight issues, I also have a hard time accepting myself. It's like the fine print that says "sold as is". When you don't like it "as is", you don't buy it. Master is a brave shopper. He accepts me "as is" with no bartering. There is also no bartering when it comes to my attitude towards myself. Either I like it, change it, or shut up. I am not allowed to talk down to nor about myself. It is the one rule he has with absolutely no exceptions, excuses, or safewording. Side effects include harsh scolding and, when necessary, spanking.

I am beginning to love the person I am becoming, even if I don;t currently love the state I am in. There are several things I am doing to better myself, not just as a person, but as a wife, mother, and servant. I have mostly mended my lazy ways, and our home stays more comfortable and MUCH more livable. I'm not afraid to have company over. I am bettering myself by going to college, which will help my family excell and succeed in the long run. And of course, losing the weight sloooooooooowly is helping too.

Maybe next year I can look back at this post and have a completely different answer..

Sensual Service » Journal Prompts - Week of January 5th

These have been going to my spam folder, but I found them again today. I believe I will try to keep up and reply at least once every few weeks this year, unless Master requires differently.

1. Do you like yourself? Do you accept yourself? Do you love yourself?
2. Are you a perfectionist?
3. “Sometimes what seems like surrender isn’t surrender at all. It’s about what’s going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater.”- Nicholas Evans, The Horse Whisperer
4. Are you a people pleaser?
5. “A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.” - Robert Heinlein