This is my choice as a woman, as a person, as a submissive, as slave 504-531-403 to give myself FREELY to my Master.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Speaking of songs that say it all...



Never Surrender

Do you know what it's like when
You're scared to see yourself?
Do you know what it's like when
You wish you were someone else
Who didn't need your help to get by?
Do you know what it's like
To wanna surrender?

[Chorus:]
I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better
I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now
And never surrender

Do you now what it's like when
You're not who you wanna be?
Do you know what it's like to
Be your own worst enemy
Who sees the things in me I can't hide?
Do you know what it's like
to wanna surrender?

[Chorus]

Make me feel better,
You make me feel better,
You make me feel better,
Put me back together.
[Chorus]

Put me back together,
Never surrender,
Make me feel better.
You make me feel better,
Stay with me here now,
And never surrender.

Abernathy Lesson 10 - Slave journal: the discipline of self-disclosure

Activity: Use a notebook to write every day thoughts.
This need not be about the training process, just write regularly for approximately 30 minutes.

Sir, can you suggest a time table? Daily? __x per week? etc.
Also, in order to make it readily available for full disclosure at anytime you need it, may I continue to post it on this blog under "my thoughts", rather than using a notebook?

Activity: Review the affirmations in Lesson 1.
Kneel, clear your mind, and visualize yourself saying this openly and honestly with your Master whom you trust implicitly. Imagine Him responding firmly but with deep devotion and care. Now repeat your affirmation, write in your journal, and repeat your affirmation quietly to yourself.

I have the unalienable right to consent the control I keep of my destiny and choose the right to live a life of service at your command.


Abernathy Lesson 9 - Obedience III: Self-discipline

Activity: continue to practice the meditation techniques in lesson 7.
10 minutes daily, and increase your exercise until you are doing so 20 minutes 2x per day.
I will start repeating today.

Exercise: Name 5 individuals (real, fictional, or celebrity) who embody the virtue of self-discipline to you. What can you learn from them?
Mrs. Booth - Kindness
Mr. Booth - Patience
Gramma - Moderation
"Bones" - Belief in one's ability
Stephen King - Perserverence

Abernathy Lesson 8 - Obedience II: Awareness of others

Exercise: Think of someone you have met in the last day or two.
Describe them, their appearance, what they are wearing, their mood, and their state of mind.
I've met no one new this recently. I will return when the situation arises.
Now think of someone you see daily that is not a close friend. Answer the same questions.
I have no "regular I see daily. I will return when the situation arises.

Activity: Next time you go out to eat, remember your server's name and use it.
Use it when asking for assistance or thanking them.
I will use this this weekend when/if it comes up. Otherwise it will be done ASAP.

Exercise: List 5 non-verbal clues regarding how you can tell when a person is:
Angry?
  1. tight face
  2. clenched fists
  3. shuttered breathing
  4. that "look" in the eye
  5. aggressive walk
Depressed?
  1. sad face
  2. silence
  3. oversleeping consistently
  4. tears
  5. sighs
Excited?
  1. bright eyes
  2. smile
  3. "bouncy"
  4. clapping
  5. fast breathing
Activity: Go to a busy public place and close your eyes.
Using your other senses, locate the person closest to you. What can you say about them? How can you describe them. Open your eyes. How close were you?
I will use this this weekend when/if it comes up. Otherwise it will be done ASAP.

Abernathy Lesson 7 - Obedience I: 1st Steps towards Mindfulness

Exercise: With eyes closed name 3 things behind you, in front of you, and to the left & right.
b - table, coffee cup, fan
f - Bookshelf, Dogfood, Halie's room
l - couch cushion, Abernathy book, printer
r - laundry basket with folded clothes, coffee table, purse

Activity: Meditation to clear your mind.
As you breathe clear your minds of all thoughts. As they come back, focus on your breathing and put them away.

Activity: Set a clock for 11 minutes past the hour and focus on your posture.
Relax any tense muscles using the above technique. Repeat in 1 hour.

Activity: Play the card game "Memory" to develop observation skills.




Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Please be me...

Broken.
Some days are bad.
Other days are worse.
Today, I am just fine.

Scared.
A new side of me.
One I don't like.
Today, she stayed away.

Confused.
Why is this happening?
Why me?
Today, I didn't ask.

Hurt.
Little inconsequential things.
Big stupid hurt.
Today, I laughed.

Lonely.
Lost when we're apart.
Anxious when we're together.
Today, I relaxed.

Healing.
Slowly seeing the light.
Learning to live again.
Tomorrow, please be me.

Abernathy Lesson 6 - Expectations: The Training Contract



As our commitment grows, I found that we have surpassed the levels of a simple "training" contract, so I searched simple Slave Contracts. Simple...?? This one was copied from a Mistress to her male slave and edited to change only our safe words and to add swinging & children.

♥ sweet

********** ********** ********** **********

The Slave Contract
AF, slave, furthermore known as “sweet” or “slave”, previously in possession of her own person, agrees and states that she wishes and intends to deliver himself entirely into the hands of GF, furthermore known as her Master.

Master agrees and states that he wishes and intends to take possession of slave for an indefinite amount of time.

By signing the Slavery Contract, it is agreed that:
  1. The slave gives up all rights to her own person in every manner, giving Him: herself, her life, her future, her heart, and her mind; and that
  2. Master takes entire possession of slave as His property, claiming her for Himself, His life, His future, within His heart and His mind.
1.0.0 Slave's Role
  1. Slave agrees to obey and submit completely to Master in all ways. There are no boundaries of place, time, or situation in which the slave may willfully refuse to obey the directive of Master, except in situations where the slave's veto (section 2.0.1) applies.
  2. Slave also agrees that, once entered into the Slavery Contract, her body belongs to Master, to be used as seen fit.
  3. All of slave's possessions likewise belong to Master, including all assets, finances, and material goods, to do with as he sees fit.
  4. Slave agrees to please Master to the best of her ability, in that she now exists solely for the pleasure of Master.
  5. Slave understands that all that she has, and all that she does, shall now move from right to privilege, granted only as Master wishes, and only to the extent that Master finds useful.
2.0.0 Safe words
  1. If slave feels that a situation is approaching a boundary unforeseen, slave may utter safe words to signify the following:
    • GREEN: slave wishes Master to proceed OR slave "approves" the situation.
    • YELLOW: slave needs the current activity to slow down momentarily OR slave feels "guarded" about the situation
    • RED: slave needs the current situation to “freeze” at the current level OR slave feels "very cautious" about the situation.
  2. Master accepts the responsibility of assessing situations when slave calls the safe word and will, to the best of his ability, make judgment on whether to modify the activity or stop activity entirely, unless “ DERF ” is called as a stop all (section 2.0.1).
  3. Master agrees to take the given code into consideration and discuss the code with the slave in situations where he does not agree, such as LS situations.
  4. Slave agrees to hold no ill will due to Master's decision. Master agrees not to punish slave for the use of a safe word.
2.0.1 Slave's Veto
  1. Slave, where appropriate, holds veto power over any command given by Master, at which time she may rightfully refuse to obey that command.
  2. This shall be signified by the safe word “DERF" and shall be used as a “stop all”.
  3. Utterance of the safe word, “ DERF ", necessitates immediate termination of activity. It is considered a veto, and is grounds for termination of the Slavery Contract.
  4. This is not to be used as a "get out of jail free" card to side step punishment or commands. It is for moments of "extreme duress" or "caution".
3.0.0 Slave's Behavior: General
  1. Slave will strive diligently to remold slave's body, appearance, habits, and attitudes in accordance with Master's desires and agrees to change the slave's actions, speech, and dress to express the ownership.
  2. Slave will always speak of her Master in terms of love and respect, and address Him appropriately (i.e. "Master", "Sir”, etc.) when so directed.
  3. Slave will seek to learn how to please Master better, and will gracefully accept any criticism in whatever form Master chooses.
  4. Slave renounces all rights to privacy or concealment from Master. This includes but is not limited to photography and video photography of slave, in any situation, to be used and displayed in any manner Master sees fit.
  5. Slave agrees to confess all of slave's desires and fetishes for the Master's consideration.
  6. Slave will answer truthfully and completely, to the best of the slave's knowledge, any and all questions Master may ask of slave.
  7. Slave will volunteer any information her Master should know about her physical or emotional condition.
  8. Slave shall be responsible for maintaining the cleanliness and availability of all toys. None shall be used without the express permission of Master, unless agreed to beforehand.
  9. When in a domestic environment, slave is responsible for maintenance and completion of all household chores, including delegation of chores to the children, and excepting taking out the trash or heavy lifting. Assistance must be asked for respectfully for any other domestic chore.
3.0.1 Slave's Behavior: Opinions (added by sweet)
  1. The slave is allowed to voice opinions and make decisions in the matters of child rearing and swinging, without having to use the veto. ( #subjecttochange )
  2. The slave is allowed to voice opinions during discussions, specifically when her Master asks, and otherwise if respectfully requested by her. "May I say something on the matter, Sir?" is a good preface to such actions.
  3. Both parties agree that all of the above must always be done in private unless the situation must be resolved immediately, in a respectful manner, and with an open mind.
  4. Slave understands that a failure to maintain respect will be met with punishment as her Master sees fit.
3.0.2 Slave's Dress/Body/Appearance
  1. When so ordered, slave shall diligently maintain and adorn slave's body parts in such manner as will ensure that they are fully open and available to Master.
  2. When so ordered, slave's body parts shall be able to be displayed by slave in public or private, to others or to Master.
  3. When so ordered, slave shall dress in attire Master sees fit for the situation at hand.
  4. Slave shall never close her legs in Master's presence.
  5. Slave shall keep slave's body parts clean-shaven at the direction of the Master.
  6. Slave shall keep slave's hair cut, styled, and colored as directed by Master.
  7. Slave shall keep slave's finger and toenails maintained as directed by Master.
  8. Master has the right to tattoo or have tattooed, pierce or have pierced, or brand or have branded slave's body.
  9. Slave will wear, at all times, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, a token of her possession, given to her by Master.
  10. When so ordered, slave shall be required to wear a butt plug until excused by Master.
4.0.0 Master's Role
  1. Master accepts the responsibility of slave's body and worldly possessions, to do with as Master sees fit.
  2. Master agrees to love, care for, protect, and cherish slave, and to arrange for the safety and well being of slave.
  3. Master also accepts the commitment to train the slave, punish the slave, love the slave, and use the slave as Master sees fit.
5.0.0 Punishment
  1. Slave agrees to accept any punishment Master decides to inflict, whether earned or not.
  2. Slave agrees that severe punishment may be assessed for any infraction of the letter or spirit of this Slavery Contract, and will accept the correction gratefully.
  3. The form and extent of the punishment shall be at the Master's pleasure.
  4. Master may punish her without reason to please Himself.
  5. Slave retains the right to cry, scream, or beg, but accepts the fact that these heartfelt expressions will not affect her treatment.
  6. Further, she accepts that if her Master tires of her noise, Master may gag her or take other actions to silence her.
6.0.0 Other People
  1. Slave may not seek any other Master or lover, or relate to others in any sexual or submissive way, either in "real time", “swinging", "virtual", nor "cyber" time, without Master's permission. To do so will be considered a breach of Slavery Contract, and will result in extreme punishment or Slavery Contract termination.
  2. Master may accept other slaves or lovers, but must consider slave's emotional response to such actions.
  3. Slave agrees that her Master possesses the right to determine whether others can use her body and to what use they may put it. Master will discuss all such instances in advance with slave.
  4. Slave has no say in the choice of these other partners, with the exception that play with others must be "safe."
7.0.0 Alteration of Slavery Contract
This Slavery Contract may not be altered, except when both Master and slave agree. If the Slavery Contract is altered, the new Slavery Contract shall be printed and signed, and then the old Slavery Contract must be destroyed.

7.0.1 Termination of Slavery Contract
  1. This Slavery Contract may be terminated at any time by Master, but never by slave.
  2. Upon termination, all materials and belongings shall belong to Master, to be shared or kept as Master sees fit.
  3. Slave, owning nothing and having agreed to give up all worldly possessions and body to Master, shall once again own her body, but nothing else.
8.0.0 Slave's Signature
I have read and fully understand this Slavery Contract in its entirety.

I agree to give everything I own to my Master, and further accept His claim of ownership over my physical body, heart, soul, and mind.

I understand that I will be commanded and trained and punished as a slave, and I promise to be true and to fulfill the pleasures and desires of my Master, and serve Him to the best of my abilities.

I understand that I cannot withdraw from this Slavery Contract.

Electronic Signature: AMF/sweet, slave
Date: August 14th, 2012

8.0.1 Master's Signature
I have read and fully understand this Slavery Contract in its entirety.

I agree to accept this slave as my property, body and possessions, and to care for her to the best of my ability.

I shall provide for her security and well-being and command her, train her, and punish her as a slave.

I understand the responsibility implicit in this arrangement, and agree that no harm shall come to slave as long as she is mine.

I further understand that I can withdraw from this Slavery Contract at any time.

Electronic Signature: ______________, Master
Date: ________________

Monday, August 6, 2012

Broken

I'm not sure what is causing this but I feel broken.

My head is just not right. I am all together sad, depressed, lonely, and afraid.... even when wrapped in his arms, or even surrounded by friends. When he leaves me, I cry. As in bawl. As in friggin ridiculous my word just ended sobbing. He has work. He has friends. He has things he likes to do that don't involve me. Up until just recently it never bothered me.. at all. I loved it when he'd get up early to go skating on the weekend & leave me in bed till the kids woke me... this time I had a melt down. He walked out that door and I had this crushing searing pain in my chest that he wasn't coming back.

Totally irrational (see I know what parts make NO SENSE!), yet I have this overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. I'm scared that what I am, what I have, what I can offer is not enough to keep him satisfied... I'm not talking just sexually, but overall. Unless we're arguing we can't carry on a conversation more than 2 minutes. I get asked why I always have to argue... maybe that's why? Maybe I'm seeking attention the only way I think is possible? That teen mentality of "even bad attention is better than no attention"?

I'm not sure how to attract his attention otherwise, at least not attract it and keep it. We've talked, and now I know that his ADD is kicking in overdrive and he needs constant high stimulation (ie talk, text, game, and a movie), but I can't help feel that there should still be something I can do to raise his interest level in what I do, say, or am. I feel like I should be enough, and if I am not I have failed somehow as a wife and as a woman.

This all came to a head last night. I felt ignored and rejected even with him sitting next to me, watching a movie and chatting with me. A text message I thought had ended well before dinner was ongoing and it set me off. I know he is not going anywhere. I know he loves me, I know he is mine. Yet constant long term chatting felt like the equivalent on online dating to me. A little harmless flirting or chatting I find cute and fun. Constant chat to "get to know someone better" for the sake of making play sessions more fun & enjoyable I find on par with what a couple does when they start dating... except when we were dating there was no "how to you like it" discussion? We weren't planning on being permanent, so we just fucked. That's all I feel they should be afforded as well. But at the same time, I trust him, and I shouldn't care. In my heart I know this, but my brain is going &%$#^&*+&@^!!!! My brain needs to stop giving me unnecessary feedback.

I am NOT a jealous person, so why do I feel this way? All we can determine is that the BCP are reaping havoc on my hormones. The thing is I don't know how to stop it. I can't stop birth control. I have reached a point in my life that I am officially done having babies. The thought of an "oops" pregnancy last month wasn't even exciting...it was damned near terrifying! I no longer "qualify" for an IUD because of the tubal pregnancy I had. I can't use condoms consistently with him. I can with anyone else, but with him they kill me. (???wtf???) Right now my only feasible option is the pill... but at what cost? If it is causing me this much grief & anguish... pushing him away when yet all I want is him close to me... Neither of us (nor the kids) deserve the emotional roller coaster... but we have no other options.

From research I did this morning, (I found this article) it's apparent that mental health effects have been a factor with birth control since they came out in 1960. 52 years and they can't fix that yet? From what I see progestin (one of the 2 synthetic hormones in BCP) causes a lowering of serotonin because it feeds a brain secretion that naturally lowers serotonin. Serotonin deficiency is what the base doctors determined was causing my migraines and anxiety attacks around the time we met... and I wasn't on hormonal birth control then.

The warnings on the birth control pack have a warning that say discuss any of the following with your doctor immediately... blah blah blah... mental/mood swings. But where do I go? Who do I talk to? The student clinic can only do so much, and I don't have a doctor.

I am hoping that it was just the "loading" of the pills past my normal period that are causing it. I am on day 3 of skipping the empty placebos now - expecting AF Tues-Wed. and I'm that having a bleed will flush my system and things will get back on track.

If it doesn't I don't know what to do. I cant live like this. I can't keep feeling like this. I can't continue to hurt like this, where inconsequential nothings rip my heart out. I. Just. Can't. Co. It.

♥ sweet