My head is just not right. I am all together sad, depressed, lonely, and afraid.... even when wrapped in his arms, or even surrounded by friends. When he leaves me, I cry. As in bawl. As in friggin ridiculous my word just ended sobbing. He has work. He has friends. He has things he likes to do that don't involve me. Up until just recently it never bothered me.. at all. I loved it when he'd get up early to go skating on the weekend & leave me in bed till the kids woke me... this time I had a melt down. He walked out that door and I had this crushing searing pain in my chest that he wasn't coming back.
Totally irrational (see I know what parts make NO SENSE!), yet I have this overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. I'm scared that what I am, what I have, what I can offer is not enough to keep him satisfied... I'm not talking just sexually, but overall. Unless we're arguing we can't carry on a conversation more than 2 minutes. I get asked why I always have to argue... maybe that's why? Maybe I'm seeking attention the only way I think is possible? That teen mentality of "even bad attention is better than no attention"?
I'm not sure how to attract his attention otherwise, at least not attract it and keep it. We've talked, and now I know that his ADD is kicking in overdrive and he needs constant high stimulation (ie talk, text, game, and a movie), but I can't help feel that there should still be something I can do to raise his interest level in what I do, say, or am. I feel like I should be enough, and if I am not I have failed somehow as a wife and as a woman.
This all came to a head last night. I felt ignored and rejected even with him sitting next to me, watching a movie and chatting with me. A text message I thought had ended well before dinner was ongoing and it set me off. I know he is not going anywhere. I know he loves me, I know he is mine. Yet constant long term chatting felt like the equivalent on online dating to me. A little harmless flirting or chatting I find cute and fun. Constant chat to "get to know someone better" for the sake of making play sessions more fun & enjoyable I find on par with what a couple does when they start dating... except when we were dating there was no "how to you like it" discussion? We weren't planning on being permanent, so we just fucked. That's all I feel they should be afforded as well. But at the same time, I trust him, and I shouldn't care. In my heart I know this, but my brain is going &%$#^&*+&@^!!!! My brain needs to stop giving me unnecessary feedback.
I am NOT a jealous person, so why do I feel this way? All we can determine is that the BCP are reaping havoc on my hormones. The thing is I don't know how to stop it. I can't stop birth control. I have reached a point in my life that I am officially done having babies. The thought of an "oops" pregnancy last month wasn't even exciting...it was damned near terrifying! I no longer "qualify" for an IUD because of the tubal pregnancy I had. I can't use condoms consistently with him. I can with anyone else, but with him they kill me. (???wtf???) Right now my only feasible option is the pill... but at what cost? If it is causing me this much grief & anguish... pushing him away when yet all I want is him close to me... Neither of us (nor the kids) deserve the emotional roller coaster... but we have no other options.
From research I did this morning, (I found this article) it's apparent that mental health effects have been a factor with birth control since they came out in 1960. 52 years and they can't fix that yet? From what I see progestin (one of the 2 synthetic hormones in BCP) causes a lowering of serotonin because it feeds a brain secretion that naturally lowers serotonin. Serotonin deficiency is what the base doctors determined was causing my migraines and anxiety attacks around the time we met... and I wasn't on hormonal birth control then.
The warnings on the birth control pack have a warning that say discuss any of the following with your doctor immediately... blah blah blah... mental/mood swings. But where do I go? Who do I talk to? The student clinic can only do so much, and I don't have a doctor.
I am hoping that it was just the "loading" of the pills past my normal period that are causing it. I am on day 3 of skipping the empty placebos now - expecting AF Tues-Wed. and I'm that having a bleed will flush my system and things will get back on track.
If it doesn't I don't know what to do. I cant live like this. I can't keep feeling like this. I can't continue to hurt like this, where inconsequential nothings rip my heart out. I. Just. Can't. Co. It.
♥ sweet
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