Abernathy Lesson 5 - Assessing Risk

Relationships

Exercise: Rate the following responses 1-10 where 1 is "never" or "absolutely not" and 10 is "always" or "most definitely".

~4~ I am most comfortable in a monogamous relationship.

~7~ I enjoy feeling helpless or "out of control" sometimes".

~6~ I am attracted to members of my own gender.

~8~ I am uncomfortable if I don't know what my partner is thinking.

~1~ My family knows about my interest in D/s and they're all right with it.

~9~ My friends know about my interest in D/s and they're supportive of my choices.

~n/a~ If my neighbor found out about my interest in D/s, it wouldn't bother them in the least.

~n/a~ My therapist is comfortable discussing my interest in D/s and seems to know something about BDSM.

Work

Exercise: Describe your current job or source of income, how D/s affects this, what employers or co-workers would think, and if you quit where would you stand financially?

Master, please explain how you would like me to answer this.

Health

Activity: Ask your doctor for a copy of your files. Schedule a physical if it's been more than 3 years.

Activity: Make a list of medications you are taking, including regular OTC.

• Tri-Nessa Birth control pills 1x daily, Rx expires May 2013
• OTC Cetrizine/Zyrtec allergy pills, 1x daily
• OTC Chlortrimeton allergy pills, as needed

Exercise: Answer the following in honest detail.

1. Do you have any allergies? Pollen/wheat, both cause hay fever type symptoms.
2. Do you have any dietary restrictions? Are you vegetarian or vegan? I have to watch my consumption of meats as too much causes stomach pains, but I am not vegan or vegetarian.
3. Do you have any chronic illnesses or injuries that trouble you? What sort of treatment do you use? Herniated disc at L4-5 in my lower back causes pain and sciatica. I treat it with rest as needed, hot soaks as often as possible, and massage when possible.
4. Do you wear glasses or contact lens? Do you have a hearing aid? I do wear glasses daily.
5. Do you use drugs (including alcohol and tobacco) recreationally? What and how often? I do not use recreational drugs or tobacco, I do drink socially, usually on weekends.
6. Are you currently struggling with an addiction? No.
7. Are you aware of any body image issues that bother you? I am extremely overweight and my boxy sags everywhere.
8. Are you clean and/or sober? for how long? N/A
9. Are you in recovery from an addiction other than sex or drugs? For how long? No.
10. Did you suffer any (physical, verbal, psychological, sexual, spiritual...) as a child? All of the above. My mother was an alcoholic who abused me verbally, psychologically & physically. My father was a controlling pedophile who abused me sexually, verbally & psychologically.
11. Have you suffered such abuse as an adult? Yes, my ex-husband abused me verbally, psychologically, physically, and sexually.
12. How have you learned to heal these wounds? By talking about it when it is bothering me and by facing my fears regarding them with you, before and after you became my Master.
13. If you have a history of abuse, can you identify any "triggers" (words, sounds, objects situations) that might cause you trauma now? The only thing that has surfaced recently is "flicking" me while being abrasive and ordering me around (Erin's).
14. Do you have any history of abusing others? If so, what steps have you taken to change this pattern? I believe that I have been towards you and the children with my yelling. I have hit Halie. I believe that the behavior modificatoins we are working on are the best steps I have taken towards changing this.

Abernathy Lesson 4 - Responsibilities of a slave in training

"One of the most important responsibilities of a slave is communication."

Exercise: Complete the following sentences (book prompts end at ...)

1. I imagine myself as a slave as being able to... follow orders without questioning, accept commands without balking, give myself completely to my master in anything he asks.
2. As a slave, I wouldn't be able to... argue, yell, "mouth off" or be disrespectful in any way.
3. The idea that those things would be forbidden makes me feel... like I would finally have succeeded as a person and slave.
4. Just once in my life I'd like, I'd like to... let go completely and not feel like I needed to be in control of anything.
5. I definitely would not want to... always have to have the correct answers.
6. In my sexiest private fantasy, I... am sexy. That's all. I fantasize about being sexy.
7. I have a secret fetish for... shoes, leather, whips, pain, blood/bleeding... is any of that a secret?
8. Being in collar would make me feel... special, loved, owned.
9. If I were forbidden to have an orgasm for a whole week I'd... let's face it. I'd be fine.
10. When I masturbate I think about... things that have turned me on the the past, occasionally thing I would like to try - like DP or scissoring.
11. I'd like to learn how to... be confident in myself, my looks, and my abilities.
12. Serving my Master in public would make me feel... approved of.
13. My most erotic memory is... the night we "fell back" into our M/s roles with no prompting.
14. I first learned about erotic slavehood when... I googled something like "Is it normal to feel like I want to lose control?" expecting something about mental health.
15. My favorite book is... I have 2. Intensity by Dean Koontz - about a young woman who thinks she is meek & mild and overcomes her adversary (a serial killer) and saves a young woman who is his captive. Insomnia by Stephen King is a modern telling about the 3 mythological fates and them cutting the thread of life when it is time and nothing can change it, and if it is bad things happen... to me it's like - you think you have control, but you don't.
16. My favorite movie is... Dracula 2000, I like the steamy "come hither" eroticism as well as the "Judas as the first vampire" story line.
17. In my free time, I most often... blog ;)
18. The thing I find most attractive about other people is... confidence!
19. My highest priority in life is... the success of my family no matter their endeavors.
20. Sometimes I doubt I'll ever be able to... release full control and become a proper slave.
21. I think most of my romantic involvements have been... complete and utter failures up until this point.
22. In the past, I was ashamed of... being a failure in my other 2 marriages.
23. I feel I have comes to terms with... the abandonment issues caused by those failures.
24. If there's one negative emotion I can't handle, it's... rejection or jealousy. Either of those make me feel like I have lost control of myself TO MYSELF. While I willingly give Otry) control to Master, losing control within myself kills me.
25. When a person raises their voice to me, I... automatically raise mine back as a defense mechanism. It's almost a fight or flight response.
26. The three things I associate with silence are... sleep, obedience, death.
27. If pressed, I'd identify myself as... an uncontrolled woman, wanting to be a proper slave, but still retain my identity.
28. The biggest influence on my erotic life has been... learning that I can have my quirks and fetishes and no matter how odd they seem, someone understands (You) and somewhere out there, someone is worse!
29. I'd describe my spiritual life as... an acceptance of a higher being that I will have to confront when the time comes to defend the choices I make now.
30. I believe strongly that... finding the person who loves and accepts you is a gift not to be wasted; meeting your soul mate is a once in a lifetime experience that cannot be expected, only hoped for, and when you meet him/her, never let go; this is a lifestyle that I want to be in because I need the control to become a better person, the person I really want to be.
31. I'd fight for my right to... retain my identity while I am molded into control.
32. I've only ever wanted to... be accepted and loved, not only for who I am but for who I want to be.

What does Anne want from the BDSM lifestyle? Part 3 - Public/Private

Part 3 - Public/Private

As our private BDSM life becomes more public with our friends I find myself being more open to the standards if you are inclined... walking behind you, asking your permissions in public, not looking in the eye without being told. Not that we do that but, IF you were so inclined.

I am fine with you chatting with friends about some things, but I did find myself embarrassed as hell and hurt when you told John I got put in time out.

I want to repair my choker into a cuff that I can wear daily in public (it's cumbersome and twists and hurts me the way it is now), however I don't feel I need this to remind me that I am yours to command.

I know I created this category, so I am not sure how to elaborate. Please ask more directly if I haven't covered enough.

What does Anne want from the BDSM lifestyle? Part 2 - Behavioral

Part 2 - Behavioral/Personal

Training. Training. Training.

I suck at this part. I know. In this I visualize a Master/slave relationship. I have committed to following your lead long term.

I think I said this all last night when I said that I want to be the person you fell in love with again. I want to not fight, bicker, bitch, and yell. I know we have responsibilities as adults that we have to deal with, but aside from that I want to be carefree. I want to be the happy person you fell in love with.

I know that the fighting and arguing is wrong. I know that the yelling is wrong. I hate yelling at you, and my children. I want them to remember more than that when we're apart, when they grow up and I grow gray, and eventually leave them.

I want you to help me modify this behavior. this thing is that you do such a perfect job of trying to keep me in line. And I don't follow through. I am almost at a loss here.In a perfect M/s role I wouldn't bitch, moan, yell, or complain. I wouldn't question you. I would do what you said, when you said it, and if I didn't there would be no "try to get it right" I'd just get knocked on my ass.

I don't want that (Yes, I like pain, but not punishment - more soon), so all I can think of is trying a 3 step protocol.

Scenario: I fuck up. (words, actions, etc)

Step 1: The Look. (You may have to do.. something to make sure you have my attention??)

Step 2: A firm "Sweet... calm down." (This can work in front of the kids)

Step 3: "To the Room"

I can't elaborate much more on behavior. I want to stop the destructive behavior. That is all.

But please stop assuming because I am acting one way that I mean what I did last time I acted that way. I'm human.. and a female one at that. Frustration does not me "he needs a lesson".. it means "I don't know how to express myself." You compare it to a "baby fit". Babies have fits because they don't how else to express themselves. I need to learn how to express myself with words rather than actions.

I do want to be able to have an opinion about how to express myself. I want to be able to disagree with you if I feel strongly about something. I want to be able to tell you when I think you a wrongly interpret my words or actions.

I need to learn how to do so with respect, but I would like to be heard out with a mind open to understanding my point as well as your own.

Punishment

I guess this is as good of a place as any to put this. You have said to others, "She likes pain so spanking doesn't help." Actually it does. Spanking as play in the bedroom, getting hurt, coddled, and fucked is fun. Getting spanked as punishment, reprimanded, and ignored is not.

Last night for instance, when I angered you to the point of rolling me over and spanking me... when you put me in the corner last week... That wasn't fun, I didn't like it, and I knew you were upset.

In my mind there is a firm divider between spanking for fun and spanking for punishment. The physical outcome to my body may be the same, but the mental outcome is not.

I will admit a few things that I hope make sense.

Though I did not enjoy it, I liked you taking control of my actions by slapping me at J&E's. Again, I didn't like the action, and did not label it as good pain, but as a sub I felt, "he's getting it."

When you spank me for punishment and fuck me long & hard afterwards, I do associate that with good. Were you to spank me, fuck me rough and short to get your pleasure quickly then "ignore" me, I would associate that with punishment. Getting your pleasure with no concern for mine (no touching, grabbing, lube, lead up) = punishment. Getting your pleasure by fucking me to the edge = not punishment... because I still enjoy that sexual act because my body is used to not coming.

Orgasm denial would probably not work as a punishment for me, for obvious reasons.

What does Anne want from the BDSM lifestyle? Part 1 - In the Bedroom

Part 1 - In the Bedroom

In the bedroom I prefer to be a bottom, though at your request I would occasionally top for your pleasure only.

I want to to please you in all things in this area. I know that we have an open relationship, but did we not, I would want to answer to all your carnal needs and desires. I want to be able to answer to any of your needs immediately in the bedroom.

If this meant learning to stretch my body to it's limits to bend, twist, stretch into different positions to please you, I will. If this means sucking your cock, swallowing your cum, and getting no pleasure, touch, or release of my own body, I am willing. If this means training to have anal often, I would.

I want to learn to enjoy abstaining because it is your wish. I want to learn to cum because you say so, not because my body is finally listening. I want my body to quicken, eager for your entrance, just because you say you want inside me.

I want more impact play with good pain but I want to test my limits with bad pain as well. I like the harshness of play, pain, crying... even bleeding for you. It demands that I have no control, that I am yours in everything... but I want to want this from you in the bedroom, not fear it. Not all the time of course, but regularly. I also feel that these types of scenes work best when not planned, so with training hopefully I can fall into a pattern of submission to what you want, when you want it.

And I know that it is something you enjoy physically and mentally. I have gotten punishment spankings and turned around to your hard cock in my face. It is enjoyable to both of us, I'd like to use it.

This is something I want to be ready for 24/7 without thought or provocation. I do believe that most of these things will only come with lots of training and lots of patience from us both. By the glossary, this would be service-oriented submission.

And of course the pain aspects come with a general assumption of aftercare.

I do no want to ask to be taken. I am willing to "come on" to you occasionally since you like it, but I do not want to have to tell you or ask for sex, pain, or aftercare. I know you have a hard schedule and I know that it is hard to get to bed early enough for a long "scene" but I would prefer more frequency than when we have time on the weekend.

♥ sweet