Part 2 - Behavioral/Personal
Training. Training. Training.
I suck at this part. I know. In this I visualize a Master/slave relationship. I have committed to following your lead long term.
I think I said this all last night when I said that I want to be the person you fell in love with again. I want to not fight, bicker, bitch, and yell. I know we have responsibilities as adults that we have to deal with, but aside from that I want to be carefree. I want to be the happy person you fell in love with.
I know that the fighting and arguing is wrong. I know that the yelling is wrong. I hate yelling at you, and my children. I want them to remember more than that when we're apart, when they grow up and I grow gray, and eventually leave them.
I want you to help me modify this behavior. this thing is that you do such a perfect job of trying to keep me in line. And I don't follow through. I am almost at a loss here.In a perfect M/s role I wouldn't bitch, moan, yell, or complain. I wouldn't question you. I would do what you said, when you said it, and if I didn't there would be no "try to get it right" I'd just get knocked on my ass.
I don't want that (Yes, I like pain, but not punishment - more soon), so all I can think of is trying a 3 step protocol.
Scenario: I fuck up. (words, actions, etc)
Step 1: The Look. (You may have to do.. something to make sure you have my attention??)
Step 2: A firm "Sweet... calm down." (This can work in front of the kids)
Step 3: "To the Room"
I can't elaborate much more on behavior. I want to stop the destructive behavior. That is all.
But please stop assuming because I am acting one way that I mean what I did last time I acted that way. I'm human.. and a female one at that. Frustration does not me "he needs a lesson".. it means "I don't know how to express myself." You compare it to a "baby fit". Babies have fits because they don't how else to express themselves. I need to learn how to express myself with words rather than actions.
I do want to be able to have an opinion about how to express myself. I want to be able to disagree with you if I feel strongly about something. I want to be able to tell you when I think you a wrongly interpret my words or actions.
I need to learn how to do so with respect, but I would like to be heard out with a mind open to understanding my point as well as your own.
Punishment
I guess this is as good of a place as any to put this. You have said to others, "She likes pain so spanking doesn't help." Actually it does. Spanking as play in the bedroom, getting hurt, coddled, and fucked is fun. Getting spanked as punishment, reprimanded, and ignored is not.
Last night for instance, when I angered you to the point of rolling me over and spanking me... when you put me in the corner last week... That wasn't fun, I didn't like it, and I knew you were upset.
In my mind there is a firm divider between spanking for fun and spanking for punishment. The physical outcome to my body may be the same, but the mental outcome is not.
I will admit a few things that I hope make sense.
Though I did not enjoy it, I liked you taking control of my actions by slapping me at J&E's. Again, I didn't like the action, and did not label it as good pain, but as a sub I felt, "he's getting it."
When you spank me for punishment and fuck me long & hard afterwards, I do associate that with good. Were you to spank me, fuck me rough and short to get your pleasure quickly then "ignore" me, I would associate that with punishment. Getting your pleasure with no concern for mine (no touching, grabbing, lube, lead up) = punishment. Getting your pleasure by fucking me to the edge = not punishment... because I still enjoy that sexual act because my body is used to not coming.
Orgasm denial would probably not work as a punishment for me, for obvious reasons.
No comments:
Post a Comment